(106) Hot Mess
I got so excited by my last post getting published on here that I spent the last hour writing emotional fuckshit until I literally and for actual real tears style cried all over my laptop. Then, because crying means it’s harder to type at the same time and thusly, I had a few minutes to reread everything, I read what I’d typed.
And then I cried for a different reason.
Why the belabored precum gasping fuck is it so hard to write about my actual ish? I’m on here trying the fuck to write about my goddamn PERFECT ass dog who is fucking perfect no you don’t even know because I haven’t managed to crawl out of my shortsighted sphincter for long enough to write accurately about any of it NO YOU DON’T KNOW maybe I don’t know whatever shut up everything is fucked. I cannot even say it in a single sentence. Which like why in unpleasant jack rabbit fuck would I. I can’t say it in an entire godunfucked post let alone grasp my flimsy bleating turd stifled heart in a single sentence.
Why can’t I talk about my heart? Why can’t I describe the loves that are such an integral part of its daily function? Which part of my heart refuses to jump onto this tired and blatantly over me laptop that I have used skip happy diligently for the last 3+ months? Oh do you want to know. Oh ok.
Tell me your favorite hobby? What is it, like, reading? Hahaha it’s Netflix. But ok whatever, so that’s what it is. You just know. Because it’s your thing; you have a routine and that event is in there regularly. What’s your favorite meal? Salmon and mashed potatoes with oven roasted garlic. Wait no, prime rib and baked potato. Wait no, any kind of cheese. Shut up that’s a meal. But, you know it, right? Even if there are multiple contenders, you know your favorites. Those meals were specific moments that rest in the memory of all your senses and have stayed high in the rankings throughout the trials of other meals. What were your happiest moments in life? Harder, right? But some stick out. For some, it’s their wedding day. Others, a day of perfect weather on a lake with friends. Others still, their kid is born. Whatever, there are obvious happiest moments that stick out.
What do you do when your entire ability to rank happy and sad is permanently and intrinsically altered because you meet someone who threw the basis of your comprehension onto a different plane? How do you write about someone who has fundamentally altered the course, not of your experiences, or even just your current schedule, but your actual perception? Your ability to perceive. What do you say about a thing in your life that has amplified your ability to be human so significantly that you cannot, in any honest way, remember how you related to anyone before them?
How do you write this?
I’m working on it. Ftr, it’s going to maybe take my entire life. I cried just typing that last paragraph. #hotmess