(110) Fuck a Frosting Tip

So whatever here’s my recipe for the dark chocolate guiness cake with candied bacon and caramel drizzle and dark chocolate frosting that I made for my nephew’s birthday tomorrow. I’ve had wines. Obviously.

1 1/4 cup unbleached flour because unbleached means you know what you are doing somehow and aren’t a fucking noob at all things that matter in your threadbare life
17 lbs of chirpy pretention. watch a martha stewart video, commit to insanity, waltz into kitchen, make overbaked pellets of sadness, yawp on facebook about how delicious they are. repeat until you have collected 17lbs of chirpy pretention 
5 bags of chocolate chips. it doesn’t even matter what kind beause it’s fucking sugar and chemicals and something brown that children will readily believe is chocolate. fuck your taste buds and sensibilities and the environment. one is for the cake. the rest is because reasons.
baking soda and salt and spices in specific amounts that you should already know by now
sour cream. don’t measure it. don’t be that person.
cocoa powder. there’s a whole alkaline thing that you already know about because #notanoob. that. and #science. also what the fuck does alkalized mean. whatever your face is alkalized. *refill wine glass.
four fucking eggs. actually it’s three and one yolk. they say ‘two large eggs’ but it’s a lie and apparently the eggs I get aren’t large (that’s what she said) and so basically the egg count is a giant drooling lie
vanilla extract i think
1 1/4 cups sugar. any actually measured thing is 1 1/4 cups. except for baking soda or baking powder bc #science. 
1 bottle of guiness. any size. a keg. do what feels right.
other ingredients that I can’t type out because they are too obvious and baking is so fucking easy ok

is it named after the master who died and left his kidney stones to the decoration of that sad glistening cake.
Please return the testicles to the baby mammals whence they came. You have problems. This is not ok.

Combine the sifty materials in a bowl and toss them about. Then do the things with the butter-sugar-egg whatevers. It’s normal. We all do this thing. It must be done because #science and hide your inner noob ok. It must be done for several minutes then one minute then maybe three minutes slowly with one egg at a time. ‘Fully incorporated’ is an important term to remember. Meaning is irrelevant mostly. 
Then you must refill your wine glass for the third time and throw away the two empty chocolate chip bags. 
Oh please for fuck’s sake tell me you didn’t need me to remind you to grease the pans. I mean come on. And the oven is already preheated at 350∘, totes, right? OMG GET IT TOGETHER BAKING IS EASY. dammit, people.
Due to the immense simplicity of this exercise, we will assume you have successfully put the cake into the oven.

Please put it the fuck in the oven. Thanks.
Sally and Toni have no friends. Also they smell bad.

Make the frosting! It’s so easy. Dump powdered sugar and melted unsweetened chocolate and softened butter into a bowl and mix away. High speed and if the butter isn’t exactly the right softness then your frosting will look like post taco vomit so, you know. That. Also cloyingly sweet frosting seems to be a thing in most parts, but oversweet frosting is akin to that kitten in a shark costume on a roomba. It’s just too much and then the day is ruined and the internet has to have a time out. And no one wants that.
Also, if you want the candied bacon and the caramel drizzly whatsits then you have to make the caramel and the candied bacon. You should spice both. But you knew that already.

It’s important to know the exact measurements of this book because what if your fireplace is really small.

Frost the nicely cooled cake that you have lightly coated in cinnamon simple syrup. Do it quickly but not quickly because the layers have to go back into the fridge so the frosting can firm up before you coat the outer layer. omg so easy. Also forget entirely that your favorite frosting tip is broken or bent or something and does shenanigans to your otherwise not awful piping skills and use it anyway. Cry. Because you would have been done and it would have been amazing but no because fuck a frosting tip and baking is easy.

Pouranotjer galws pf wines.

No one’s cookies look like this. Fuck these cookies. Fuck the entire delicious stack.