(166) Halloween Fail

I realized this morning that Halloween is just over a week away, and I have done zero to prepare for it.

Ok, so that’s obviously a lie because Halloween is one of the best reoccurring things that’s ever happened, right up there with sex, food, and wifi, and that means the second it’s over, I am already planning for next year. I had most of my costume purchased and assembled six months ago. (Tree fairy! Or wood nymph. I’m fuzzy on whether or not I’ve decided to distinguish between the two. I have wings made of branches. It’s fucking amazing.)

The problem, as you may have already gleaned, is my costumes tend to be…a little involved.

Zombie ringmaster
hai.
anyone hungry?

There’s also the issue of food.

shattered glass cupcakes and eyeball jello shots. pumpkin sage cherry cordial stuffed cupcakes with grand marnier spiked frosting, sugar glass, and grenadine/chocolate basalmic vinegar blood.
litterbox cake. apple chestnut cake with peanut butter fudge poops.
Feet of Meat. Potato bone, meatloaf body, homemade BBQ sauce for blood. Pretty sure the toenails were also potato. Or onion. can’t remember.

But this year, instead of a big, reasonably ’adult’ Halloween party where I can stand, politely drunk, and prideful of my outfit and food contributions, I think our weekend will be barhopping and haunted houses. Which, ok, my costume plan isn’t going to work because delicate and involved and I’m not traipsing about town completely plastered whilst in a getup that I obsessed over for months just so some underpaid corn syrup drenched clown can lunge at me with a plastic butcher knife.

yeah so now is not the time for me to be worrying about my fucking fairy wings mmk

I need a new plan.

I have no new plan. I have zero easy costumes anywhere in this house.

I don’t even have a damn cowboy hat even though I clearly should for reasons that have zero to do with Halloween. (I would wear a cowboy hat just casual style to the store. You shush. Your face is a hat.)

TO THE STORE I TELL YOU

I could maybe be a pirate.
*looks balefully at the sea of disappointment that is every costume deity in the history of shenanigans

wait nevermind bc here is the internet with ideas
bye.