(287) Clench

I am struggling, and broken enough to admit it now, I’m jaw clenched, hunched, waiting on this couch, a pile of sweat-stiffened skin minutes after its tussle and roll down a hill of infertile effort

I want to say the things I do, the ways that I’ve tried, the timeless want that I have yearned into my health, have done something, anything, I want for my days to be smooth and honest and up front

I wish I had it down

I don’t

I’m struggling

I need for stress to let my numbers sleep, just once

I need for angst to let my body go quietly and without additional scars

I need for my day to day ride be without bumps and nicks

just for a little while

till I can remember who I am

what I was

and where I want to be

I’m struggling with the me that wants to cope like a healthy person

because the truth is that I’m not.

I’m just grasping at the fraction of a human I want to be, that I’ll never see, and hoping

No one else sees my flail.