(29) Sex, maybe

Attraction is such a layered topic. There’s actual science involved (pahahahaha yay science ps try okra bc also magic wheeeeee #science ok shhh i’ve been day drinking hush kitchen), and different parts of the sexual orientation spectrum that get more nuanced and beautiful with each passing moment, and all sorts of utter and complete fuckery like social and cultural trends (fitness, size, money, power, profession, gender roles YAY WHEEEEEE shhh dammit kitch). It gets personal and complicated quickly.

I used to be super into cellists. HAHAHA ok but your face is funny too/day drinks/shhh kitch. For awhile, I was all about the tall, dark, mysterious, foreigner type. Then I had a long haired, buff upper body phase. Oh oh let’s not forget the amazing singer/guitar player phase! It was a roller coaster and, while reminiscing about it is fun, it was a fucking disaster mess when it happened.

I’ve lately realized that I most closely identify with the demisexual part of the spectrum. I kind of resent the part of the definition that says it’s halfway between sexual and asexual because, uhm, no that’s not me. So, but maybe, that’s the definition though, and I’m just not entirely that definition. (Also, maybe, there’s a difference between sex drive and the terms (asexual, demisexual, and sexual) as an absolute?) Whatever; as far as categories go, it doesn’t matter at all. As far as physical intimacy goes in my relationships, it maybe matters a lot. It’s easy for me to turn off sexual attraction towards someone. Like POOF you are neutral to me. I will love you to pieces but will not disrupt rehearsal with sweaty palpitations and the overwhelming urge to dry hump your calf whilst grinning from ear to ear. Not that I do that otherwise NO NO I TOTALLY DON’T, SHUT UP omg never day drink and write, note to self. Anyways, I can go off and on depending on the other person, how close we are, and whether or not I want to be physical with that person. It’s a switch for me.

That said, I cannot have a life without it. A lot of it. (ahahaha what is a lot. shhhhh.) I need physical intimacy. It’s a huge part of how I balance myself emotionally. And while casual sex is a ton of fun, it’s not my favorite. At all. Bleh. It’s flank steak or prime rib. Milk or dark chocolate. Cauliflower potoatoes or actual potatoes. A decent cheddar or Saint André. Cheetos (and i love cheetos; be real about my love for cheetos) or truffle butter popcorn. For me, there is no comparison between casual sex and sex with someone I love like rain and wind and Brahms. Tangent: I have a theory that the reason some people do really well in marriages is because they are demisexual. Just a theory/haven’t thought about it thoroughly. Ok, moving on.

I’ve been many sizes. And throughout them all, I’ve been with the same guy. His size has never crossed my mind; when we’re together, it’s just his eyes and mine, our hands and our lips, breath and movement. And, of course, he’s a guy. I’m not. So maybe it isn’t entirely unusual that his size would never cross my mind. Yay gender norms? But, mine never crossed his either. And, I know this. His attraction for me is obvious in when he wants me; when we’ve had an unusually involved conversation, when we’ve cooked together, when we’ve had time and space away from distractions and frustrations, when we’ve fought, laughed, or teased each other. ‘When’ is telling. Where he touches me, and what he is drawn to, is also telling. He loves my hair, at any length. My legs, at any size. My hands and my eyes and my laugh. The arch of my back. My sigh. The things that draw us together, that make physical touch beautiful and addictive and so incredibly important, are exactly the same things that make our relationship work.

It makes me wonder how tied we are to social and cultural pressures. How hard will it be to carve our way out of size shaming and desire stigma? Does it need to be a lucky situation, where you just happen to meet someone who fits and grows with you? Can we fight to be better lovers? What would that battle look like? How can we make it genuine, if we feel like attraction is innate and unchanging? Maybe attraction isn’t either of those things?