(96) Boundaries

Several days ago, someone posted the very simple question, “Why discuss or argue anything on Medium?” A) I think it was Jennifer Brown, but we don’t follow each other and my memory is made of overripe bananas, peels included. So, maybe it was someone else entirely. B) I’m also probably quoting the question entirely incorrectly, but that was the gist of it. Why do we discuss anything if arguments rarely change people’s minds? What is the point? And dozens of people answered with all the right things (the act of articulating is a method of processing and assessing personal stances on certain topics; sometimes change does happen, particularly if there is emotional investment in the other people involved; the quality of an argument is illuminating in terms of who you’re dealing with and how certain people communicate).

Several areas of tension on Medium have pushed me into this awkward little cubicle of non-movement where I’m left glaring at stifling walls and wondering if all remaining choices have to have a measure of destruction in them. There are a lot of personal histories on this site. Abuse is an area that crops up often. Because our writing is a processing mechanism, and this is not a medically supervised forum, the narratives sometimes rub raw against each other in ways that are maybe ultimately fine, but definitely make for a rocky Medium experience.

In my head, I want to be supportive of all abuse narratives. I want to be inclusive of their particular experience and refrain from unnecessary or unhelpful juxtapositions. Someone’s abuse story does not have to relate to mine in order for me to be supportive of that person. It might not be written perfectly, and it shouldn’t have to be in order for its point to stay intact. Even if their narrative takes away from my personal experience somehow, I can choose not to make their story be about me. I can have my story, too. Somewhere or somewhen else, but yes, absolutely, I can have my story, too. It seems like such an easy choice, and yet I still struggle to walk away from threads where I want to scream about all the assumptions being made and the overspeaking that is happening. I think the only thing that makes me walk away is my discomfort with online battlethreads, more so than any selfless ‘maturity’ I might be pretending to have.

I have been (blissfully) unaware of specifics (here on Medium). A few people have reached out to me to give me a heads up about certain things, and as perplexed as I am about what I’m supposed to do about it, I’m truly grateful. Looking out for each other in order to keep this haven up to code is a beautiful thing. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering what feeds a predator so completely that they would go to the lengths they go to when wreaking liquid shit shenanigans all over someone’s day. I got to a place where I realized: in real life, this is catastrophic. There’s no block button. (SIDE NOTE: did anyone see the Black Mirror Christmas Special??? Omfg go watch it with the quickness.) And while there is something to be said regarding the character rewards one gleans after dealing with the assholes, unfairness, harassment, and often soul crushing loss that is frequently the sum total of not having a block button for certain situations, there is absolutely no shame in using it when it is offered. None. It doesn’t matter if the person you blocked is actually a nice guy. It’s your space and he was in it; your rules. I think this boundary gets easily lost in conflict, which is maybe why I shy away from arguments so much. It’s not just about facts. It is communication, and as such, you are automatically consigning yourself to a set of rules that exist between you and whoever you are talking to. If you want to be right and nothing more, make a wiki entry and leave everyone else out of it. If someone enters into a discussion and cannot bear the rules on the table all the while insisting on staying at said table, then you get to leave that fucking table. BYE. The end. Doesn’t matter who that person is to anyone else.

Ok well I had about seven half points with this entry. I’m frazzled and over-sensitized and I have to drive for ten hours tomorrow with three dogs and my illegal potty break and of course I haven’t packed or anything yet so you know. My brain hurts. But, I will say that I care about this site and all that it does. I wish there was an obvious/easy way to keep it safer. I love the private message feature but just realized like five seconds ago that I can access it only from a laptop (and provided I actually receive email notifiations, which, pahahaha), so apologies to all the peeps who tried to talk to me via the pm thang. I’m working on it!