Somehow, 15 years have gone by and you still haven’t told your son Connor that you’re not his biological father. Whoopsy daisy! These things happen. Luckily, your suburban town is rife with chain restaurants where you can have a serious, sit-down talk about his true lineage over fun appetizers and market-tested entrees. But which should you pick?

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Buckle up for some news, sports fan! Photo by Hannah H. on Yelp

Glory Days

At this beloved family restaurant/sports bar, you can order some wings, some fries, and watch the sports games. Make jokes, slap backs, and cheer and moan at the goings on the screen like any normal, American, father-son pair. Then, during a commercial break…


Have you seen the Hamburglar lately?!

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Wanna see my nuts?

10. Ronald McDonald. If you’re into clowns, he’s probably the one who started it for you. Lush, red lips, a charming smile, and unlimited access to french fries? Sexy. This ham’s buns don’t look bad in that yellow jumpsuit, either.

9. Hamburglar. If you’re into bad boys, he’s probably the one who started it for you. If the Hamburglar wants it, he goes for it, which is very hot. Also, have you seen him LATELY? Talk about “glow up.” With those biceps and that scruff, he’s probably stealing more hearts than burgers these days.

8. Ernie the Keebler Elf. Those…

Joanna Lazuli

Hi, my name’s Joanna! I love to make weird, silly things. I perform in shows around Washington, D.C. and make a ruckus on the internet. Twitter: @kitsunecool

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