Why I’m a total douche-gourmand

It doesn’t even say cheese on the label.
It’s got casein in it, but I guess that doesn’t count.

I’m apparently a gourmand or bougie. My roommate asked me to write things I wanted on her grocery store lists. So I wrote “Parmesan cheese (fancy)” on there. I wanted to specify that it not be the Kraft stuff. I’m super fancy and rich enough that I can afford those actual blocks that you get from the deli section. I should have told her, “If it costs less than $8 then it’s not what I want.”

But the Kraft stuff does at least say Parmesan Cheese on the front. It has some cheese material in it. There’s apparently a food that I didn’t even know existed. So I went out and bought some of the stuff I wanted.

And when she saw it, she said, she’d have never known what this stuff was. It was some sort of deli specialty item. I mean, I did get it from the deli area — the same place I could have asked for some Boar’s Head turkey sliced up for me.

It never occurred to me that people might not know what kind of food I eat, at least not in America. I don’t think of myself as exotic in any way. And I still eat packaged ramen and macaroni and cheese (though apparently Kraft got fancy with this). So I never thought I was fancy. I put in effort to try to eat on less than $6/day. I regrow green onions, and it’s always a hassle to decide whether to buy milk or not. But I guess I’m fancy because I eat real cheese.

Also I asked for frozen vegetables and I got this:

Why does it come pre-flavored? And is it cheaper like this?

We also have a ton of Hamburger Helper and Snapple in the house. My sister didn’t understand when she opened up my cabinets. Why did I have such food? And my other friend (who I guess is as fancy as I am) was like wtf is hamburger helper? So all my friends are as fancy as I am.

I’ve never seen such items before. I knew about the green canister Parmesan cheese. I’ve definitely eaten Bird’s Eye before, but I didn’t know it came pre-flavored.

And I have this full kitchen with pots and pans, a microwave, a toaster. I even have a mixer.

So here I am: face to face with my food knowledge. I didn’t know how food-fancy I was. I know that people can’t afford certain foods, but it never occurred to me that people didn’t know what certain foods WERE. That’s hella privilege, folks.

Hell, I’m lucky that I can CHOOSE to live on less than $6/day of food, and I actually often fail at this task. It doesn’t burden me when I do. I can look very judgmentally and wonder who buys Snapple and soda. Seriously, do these items have any nutritional value? I know it’s a pretty douchey thing to do, though.

I always think I’m going to look more judgmentally at the food I buy, and now I feel guilty. What does it mean if I buy yellow onions when they’re $1.29/lb? That’s super high, and I complain, but if I really want onions, I’ll get them. I’ve actually spent $225 this month on food, spending like there’s no tomorrow apparently. A lot of it will last until next month or longer, but that’s over $7.25 per day. That’s more than I would have for food if I were on food stamps. Which I’m not because I’m apparently as rich as Scrooge McDuck. Here, let me swim in my pile of gold…potatoes.

Anyway, what are my next steps, now that I know I’m a total jerk when it comes to food?

P.S. I love that there’s a good combination of French terms to use to describe myself.

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