14 november 2016

one || I find myself writing because I don’t have any other outlet for my emotions. This goes for the whole spectrum of emotions — whether it’s ecstatic, maniacal shouts of joy (!!:-)!!) or feeble calls for help from The Void (!!:-(!!). I write shit about shit because I just feel so much, and I cannot find any physical act or remedy that allows me to release that emotion. It’s like every little feeling that I feel is magnified 1000x (I would just like to note that I wanted to insert a microscope pun here but I literally forgot everything I’ve ever learned in my biology classes so I cannot remember for the life of me the various magnification levels of a microscope. so I guess you were right, STEM-biased propaganda — my GD liberal arts major made me forget rudimentary science knowledge and I am a lesser person, lesser blogger, and lesser blog-pun-maker because of it).

For me, there is no separation between the emotions that I feel from my daily living. Nearly every single facet of my life is affected by how I am feeling at any given time. There are times when I don’t even think that I am a person who has emotions. Maybe what I am is simply emotions, personified. So I write. I write out every silly grievance, every embarrassment that turns me 50 shades of red, every heart-eyes-emoji longing, every brief collision with happiness. I try to write out my emotion in hopes that by breaking it down and funneling it into words, it becomes more manageable and easier to process.

two || Today, I learned that women used to use Lysol as a method of contraception. Like, Lysol. Like, the stuff you use to clean your floors. LYSOL.

three || It’s not that I necessarily am dying to write about my feelings towards the election. I am tired. And I don’t know how many more tears I can afford to spare towards a 4-year shitshow that is only just beginning. I want to keep up with the issues and events and politics, but how do you remain involved and fight, yet not let the emotions that the issues make you feel prevent you from getting your day-to-day shit done? (See point #one). I just feel like I have to write something about what happened, because I know that there will be people who will read this because they love and support me. And I know that some of them are unaware, or some of them disagree with me. But hopefully they will try to listen to and respect what I write, because they love and value me.

As always (at least on paper), I have a lot to say. I have a lot to say about Orange is the New President-Elect. I have a lot to say about the GOP’s unfaltering love for voter suppression. I have a lot to say about the misdirected blame towards third-party voters that, instead, should be directed towards a system that did exactly what it was designed to do. I have a lot to say about how a big component of Trump’s campaign was fueled by nationalism, which was, when taken to the extreme, a cause of both world wars. I have a lot to say about Steve fucking Bannon. I have a lot to say about Newt fucking Gingrich. I have a lot to say about how baffled I am that there are people more concerned with adamantly taking a stance as pro-life than they are with taking a stance as pro-non-white life, pro-non-straight life, pro-non-cis life. I am a woman, and I am a POC, so the election results have placed a burden on me and the groups that I ascribe to. Yet, still, I am speaking from a viewpoint of certain privilege. My brush with grief following the results is not even comparable to the hopelessness and fear I can only imagine many Black, Latinx, Muslim, LGBTQ, and disabled people must be feeling. I’m not going to rehash all the hate crimes that have gone on in the past few days since America chose (or did it?) its new President-Elect. Any person capable of navigating the internet has probably been made aware of what’s been happening.

Honestly, I don’t know where this is going. I feel like at this point I’ve said everything that I didn’t want to end up saying, but not the thing that I most wanted to say. Does that sentence make sense? This is what I most wanted to say. I do not believe that all the people who voted for Trump are racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, homophobic, etc. etc. etc. H O W E V E R. At the very best, they voted for someone who is. Maybe they had reasons for voting for him, because they agreed with some of his policies. But to be able to vote for someone who is openly all of those things shows to me that they were able to overlook his racist rhetoric that so many found impossible to overlook. With their ballot, they said that aspects of their life were more important than the thousands upon millions of lives that they knew would be negatively affected. I do believe that they did not mean malicious intent. But people are now in a state of fear and disenfranchisement, regardless of intent.

There is a quote by Desmond Tutu that says, “if you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” You cannot be neutral in situations of racism (and all the other -isms and -phobias). You can either be adamantly opposed, or you can be complicit in it. You can either stand against it, or, by saying nothing and doing nothing, perpetuate it. I think that this, personally, is the most important realization following the election — that systemic and institutionalized racism and sexism chose Donald Trump as our President-Elect. It is important to realize, especially now: the election is over, and the President-Elect is a man who has emboldened and continues to embolden racists, sexists, and homophobes. Please realize that ignoring these acts does not grant you neutrality. To remain ignorant or quiet is to allow it to happen.

four || To end on a good note: I love school. I truly love it. Not “SCHOOL” as in, institutionalized education aimed towards landing you a well-respected career where the $$$ is bountiful and plenty, but “SCHOOL” as in, learning for the sake of learning. Honestly, guys. I love it so much. I could write for hours about the stuff that I’m learning in classes. I could write you an essay on why I feel like studying liberal arts has widened and enhanced my worldview. I feel as if I have found the place for me, finally. I’m still working on my social anxiety though. Sometimes it feels crippling. It certainly feels crippling towards my goals and what I desire to achieve. It’s so hard for me to speak up!!! even though I have a lot to say!!! as you can tell!!! Words flow out of my fingertips so easily, yet get all jumbled in my mouth. Sometimes I hate myself for how stupid I sound when I speak out loud, and, because of that, how scared I am to speak up. But I’m working on it. I am growing and I am learning and I am really trying hard.

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