Today is a bad day.

I felt it last night but fought through it. Told myself the lie, “tomorrow is a new day, Kitti. Fight for it.” But when I opened my eyes this morning, the fight was gone. All that was there was the crushing feeling again so I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

I forced myself back to wake up later in the after noon. I felt so heavy. Empty but sad. Tired of it all. Another day like this. But I forced myself to sit outside and watch the birds. Nature — something I usually love. Something I usually enjoy. But no enjoyment. No happiness. Just dazing off into the emptiness of the world, wondering if I’m ever going to be me again. Wondering if the person I once was is just completely gone forever.

Just emptiness.

On good days I feel like I’m brave for continuing to live when all I want to do is die. On days like this, I feel invisible. I feel like I’m already dead. I feel like it’s to late and maybe I already lost the battle. Maybe there is no battle. Maybe this is just what my life is now. Maybe the only time depression ends is when it ends you.

Or maybe I’m just having a bad day.

I just don’t feel like I’m strong enough for this any more. Death just seems so much more peaceful than this. Because I want to live, but not like this. I’m in so much pain but it’s so invisible to everyone else. And I’m losing my strength. Maybe I can’t win this fight. Maybe there is no winning this fight.

Or maybe I’m just having another bad day.