The things we say when we are hurt

Are not exactly what we mean. Usualy, not even what we think. But maybe they’re what we feel?

“You’re stupid! I hate you! Just leave. I don’t want to ever see you again!”

I am angry.

If he was sitting here in front of me, I would beat the hell out of him. The last few months have been a roller coaster, an emotional, metaphorical one.

He’s smart. I have no idea what his IQ or EQ levels are, but I do know I fell in love with his way of thinking. Not the things he thinks about, not his way of expressing his thoughts, not even the process. I fell in love with the outcome. The final products of his way of processing data.

And now I am mad.

The "data processing machine" has failed me. Somewhere along the way, it broke, perhaps it disregarded vital information, or maybe it just missed it altogether. The outcome is now a sort of a combination between a Meh and a No way!

And I am furious.

I’ve made a list with all the ways in which I could hurt him now. Everything I ever learned about painful spots and the right ways to hit those is playing in the back of my mind. At the moment, I’m even a little sorry for not owning high heels (I bet he is too, but for very different reasons). The furniture in the room would be too heavy for me to throw around, but ar least I can fantasize about that.

And all I wanna do now is yell at him.

Because he never asked. He used to share. We used to talk about things. Things that matter, things that we want, or just random thoughts. These were our moments of bonding. And this time he took that away from me.

Because I hate it. I really don’t like this outcome. It’s odd, it’s cold, it’s scary and lonely, and I didn’t have any say in it. I wasn’t involved and it’s not mine.

Because I’m loosing him. I am so mad right now, that I am pushing him away. I don’t know how to tell him what is bothering me. I didn’t event knew what was bothering me until I wrote this.

Because it’s easier to scream than to try and figure things out. It’s easy to call him names. There are plenty of things I could say right now that would push his buttons and make him angry. I want him to suffer, because

I am hurt.

He made the decisions without me. He just assumed he knows better and went away with his plan, even after I expressed my doubts and asked him to reconsider.

I don’t like you anymore. Why did I ever trust you? I don’t want to be around you.”

And then I’ll leave.

The frustration, the anger, the pain, they will still be here. They didn’t go away when I did. And now I am mad at myself too, because I love him, and I also hurt him. And I didn’t mean to. All I wanted was for him to awknowledge my feelings and to say he’s sorry. But he didn’t, because I had no idea, neither did he.

The things we say when we are hurt, why do we really say them?