I really didn’t like Avengers Endgame

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The post for Avengers Endgame (2019), look it’s all ur faves

I spoil a lot of stuff in here, but I didn’t like it, so if spoilers ruin your enjoyment of it I think that’s good actually.

I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like Avengers Endgame but I thought I’d just let it slide. See, the thing is, I didn’t even want to have this conversation. Nobody likes to get yelled at by angry fans for having a differing opinion, and who wants the hassle of going to a movie they don’t even really want to see? But see then I heard about the fat suit. …

[Advertencia: Este texto expone prejuicios contra las personas trans y contra las personas gordas, ideaciones suicidas, violencia transfóbica y contiene entrevistas muy, muy tristes con personas trans. Esta es una advertencia del autor.]

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¿El movimiento de la positividad corporal (o “body positivity” en inglés) está haciendo suficiente espacio para las personas transgénero? Hay quien diría que no, pues en los espacios “body positive” raramente se habla de las barreras específicas a las que se enfrentan las personas trans y gordas para poder hacer su transición. …

Returning to a beginning

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CW for mentions of rape, domestic violence, harassment, fat hate

Call it paranoia, but I feel like Jessica Jones just called me a motherfucker.

I wrote a piece about the MCU’s “feminist” addition to their cinematic canon, the first season of Jessica Jones on Netflix, and discussed how in the first episode there is an early scene of fat shaming that put me off the series. This was once upon a time, the before times, before I read a dozen books and spent hours every day studying the subject. …

I had gone through the ritual. I had “become a woman.” It was a prison and I was miserable.

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Illustration: Kiva Bay

CW: Dysphoria

For weeks, I knew my period was coming. I could feel it looming over me, as inevitable as the breasts that had grown in third grade, the hips that caught on the door jamb walking from room to room. The girls I was friends with expressed excitement for their periods, but dread and shame for the function itself — it would mark them as mature but also dirty. My feelings were different because, you see, unbeknownst to myself and everyone around me, I was a boy.

The approach of my period filled me with an indescribable panic, but I also looked forward to it as a defining moment. Once it happened, I assured myself, I would finally be a woman and things would make sense. …

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TW suicide, rape, dysphoria

The first time I tried to kill myself, I was seven or eight years old. It’s hard to remember. I have always felt outside my own body. As a result, remembering anything from my childhood can be a chore. But I remember, clearly, grabbing the wheel of the car while my father was driving and trying to pull us off the road because I couldn’t stand to feel the way I did anymore and I wanted it to stop.

I needed to get out of this body.

For a while, I thought the easiest way to do that would be to eat until it felt a little less like the thing I hated, the thing I didn’t want to be. …

I watched the 2018 reboot of the 1988 classic so you don’t have to

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The pilot of the 2018 reboot of the classic 1988 dark comedy Heathers is not only not very good, it’s actively bad. However, as of writing only the pilot is available, and I haven’t seen anything beyond the pilot, so please consider this piece a summation and critique of only that.

The above paragraph may give you the false hope that I see some promise in the show. At time of writing, I do not. I’m actually flabbergasted after witnessing what seemed like a perfect storm of bad decisions in the script and a naked, ugly ideology.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. …

I Don’t Mind Anymore

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The first time I was happy to call myself fat, that happiness was accompanied by a fierce possessiveness. Finally, a thing that had been flung in my face repeatedly over the years didn’t hurt me anymore. It was mine.

As with many fat activists, I felt that I understood what it meant to be fat, because I understood what it meant to be fat for me. And since I was fat, that meant, of course, that I knew how to be a fat activist.

God, it’s embarrassing to look back at now.

I said you couldn’t diet and call yourself body positive. I said you couldn’t call yourself fat if you weren’t fat. When pressed for an explanation, I gave vague, half-answers that felt like truth to me. And all of it was for nothing. All of it was just to build a wall that nobody needed. …

Dispatches from the front lines of the war on my body.

Content Note: Nazis, fat hate, murder

Your body belongs to the nation!
Your body belongs to the Führer!
You have the duty to be healthy!
Food is not a private matter!
-Nazi slogans (referenced in The Nazi War on Cancer, Robert N. Proctor, p 120)

On August 12, 2017, Heather Heyer was murdered by a white nationalist terrorist who hit her with a Dodge Challenger while she marched against the rise of hate in the United States. Her cause of death seems fairly straight-forward, and was witnessed by multiple people. But Nazis couldn’t let it go. In the dark reaches of the internet, they clutched at two points about Heather. The first is that she has no children. …

On Weighing the President

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I am watching Chris Hayes on Twitter, which is weird because I don’t even watch Chris Hayes on TV, but I’m watching him tweet about how the president is probably lying about his weight and I’m thinking to myself that I don’t want to spend another day defending Donald Trump but here we are. Another day, another bad take windmill for me to forever tilt at.

And absolutely nothing is going to change.

In my youtube subscriptions, there’s a Seth Meyers video about Chris Christie that I just have decided I don’t have to watch. I’ve put the book all the thin people kept telling me to read aside and started reading a book on prison abolition instead. I considered it self care. I didn’t want to consume something that would make me angry. I didn’t want to have to react to it for another audience to consume. …

Weighing Blizzard’s Overwatch and Fat Representation

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image from the official Overwatch wiki

Schrödinger’s Fat Girl: A female character whose body is not available for immediate categorization, thus leading to a contradiction in fan perceptions of her body. An ambiguously bodied female character.

When Mei, an arctic scientist in a parka, was announced for Blizzard’s Overwatch characters, a friend excitedly pointed me towards her.

“Fat rep!” they exclaimed.

“Y-yeah?” I replied hesitantly, and squinted at her. She… could be fat rep, I supposed, as the character is depicted as Chinese and, thus could be said to represent a popular Chinese perception of fatness which is much smaller than my perception of fatness as an American. But Blizzard is not a Chinese company, being headquartered in California since its inception, nor was the character specifically designed for a Chinese audience. This was an American company with a global audience. Was Mei fat in either of those contexts? When the World Health Organization uses terms like “globesity”, does Mei embody this fatness? At 300lbs, could I consider Mei fat representation in media? Was she fat, I wondered, beneath the parka? She didn’t have a double chin as I did. Was she really fat compared to my American perception of fatness? I wondered, and could not tell. She was fat and not, “transgressive” and “acceptable,” simultaneously. …


Kivan Bay

No one of consequence. Brave compared to some. Writes stuff on twitter. A guy now.

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