Bleeding in Rhydin
Content Warning for discussion of abusive online relationships.
I did not look good in JNCOs. They were meant to be worn low on the hips; the wide-legged jeans looked schlumpy on me; they sat too high on my round stomach; they emphasized the girth of my thighs. In them I often looked precisely like what I was: a miserable fat girl in ill-fitting clothes.
High school was hard. High school is usually hard but it is uniquely crappy for fat girls. I knew what it was to be simultaneously completely invisible and completely exposed, to be stared at and ignored at the same time.
The privilege of prettiness, of thinness, is the privilege of belonging. If you have never not had it, you don’t actually realize what it feels like, because it all feels “normal.” There are several activities that you can’t take part in as a fat girl, important activities that I’ve written about before such as certain gendered performances and socializing rituals. It is also more difficult to explore your burgeoning sexuality and sexual identity as a fat person, especially a fat girl. I was told at every turn that my body was unwelcome, but was also fair target for abusive behaviors, including abusive sexual behaviors. I was expected to be grateful for what I got.
