My First 26 days On Medium
A Reflection & A Thank You Note
Less than 4 weeks on this site, and suddenly, there are two hundred and forty something people following my work. About 10% of y’all are friends who liked my words and/or me enough to follow me on one more website, but the rest of you only know me from what I post here and submit to your publications.
I feel obligated to say that I don’t know why any of you are here, that I must have somehow manipulated all of you into thinking that I am worth something — but it’s become quite evident that this is just standard complex trauma mindset speak. I don’t want to brag, or come off as egotistical, but all these ‘follows’ and 'recommends' confirm what many friends and teachers have been insisting to me since elementary school: I have something worth sharing. I’m not the best at whatever this something is, or the most studied, but the gifted program tests in school after school were apparently not wrong in saying, “look, this kid has real raw potential as a creator and/or a writer.”
It’s strange to realize that you’re good at things when your standard mindset is “I’m competent, that’s all — anyone neurotypical and able-bodied could do what I do if they tried hard enough for long enough; I’m not special or important — I’m fundamentally an awful human being.”
Intellectually, years of therapy have taught me that the aforementioned paradigm is just trauma talking . Years of emotional neglect, gaslighting, bullying, and harassment, plus a few assaults and attempted rapes (only one rapist succeeded, since then, I’ve learned to defend myself and trust less) will teach your neurons to tread this path until the consistent negative thoughts make it a highway. Logically, I know my trauma fuels this negativity and that I am not a worthless piece of detritus…but until I got on this site, I rarely felt worthy and talented in my heart.
Every time someone on Medium says something nice to me, it still takes all of my will power accept their kindness with thanks rather than denying the validity of their positive feedback…but it gets easier with practice.
So, I guess what I’m saying, essentially, is this:
Thank you for reading my words, and giving me a candle to light against the darkness in my own skull. I didn’t expect so many people to care, but I am glad that you all did. Blessed be (by a deity of your choice, science, or luck).
P.S. The trend of success with my poetry that isn’t just remixes of old work continues, so… stay tuned for more things like “I American’t” and “this haunted mess is yours”, rather than “Poetic Physics” and “Ajar”. The occasional Op-Ed and feminist film criticism pieces will still happen, because I enjoy writing them, but in both show business and sales, professionals say “give the people what they want”…and based on how many times y’all hit the little heart button, I intend to do just that.