Stream of consciousness #6
Mmhm. 10 years. 10 long years. Filled with good and bad, sometimes I am not sure which of it is more.
I definitely don’t regret meeting the people that shaped me to be who I am today. Also, if not for them, there is a lot of things I would not have done.
I wouldn’t have travelled solo in bid to escape trainings. I wouldn’t have done my vc4 if not for knowing Shina/Bai. I wouldn’t have gotten into ntu if not for knowing Rima. I wouldn’t have got pulled into h6 if not for nsy. I wouldn’t have delved into so many friendships if not for jackie/vanes/ria/nat/mee/jims/xy/estee/lunzi/nad/xch/annie/all my seniors like sarah/anna/etc. I wouldn’t have known py/qing/sze. I wouldn’t have gone through a hella life time of bloody tiring trainings without all my teammates in sec/jc/uni.
It is just a reminiscing time of what ifs. What if I never knew this bunch of them.
and it’s like a toxic or dysfunctional love with this sport. Knowing that I’m not gonna be fit to go back, but at the same time, I want to do so much more that I couldn’t do when I was running.
I guess this is the feeling of what if, that I can do better. But more often than not, I don’t.
Maybe it’s the pressure, maybe I’m just not good enough? Maybe it’s the stress, the neglect.
Am I ready to start from the bottom again? or should I leave at a point of regret, but at least that was all I could hang on for, at that moment.
Where did all that confidence go?
I always think that, if they can, why can’t I?
I want to run again, but can I? Will I? Should I?