Eddie Murphy: Raw

FUCK * 223

Annotations by Kara Looby

Eddie Murphy lived in Brooklyn as a child and spent a year in foster care when his mother became ill, which is what he claims to have helped develop his sense of humor. His father, a police officer and an amateur actor and comedian, died and his mother moved Murphy and his brother to Roosevelt, New York. By the age of 15, Murphy was writing and performing his own routines, which were heavily influenced by Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor.

In 1987 , Eddie Murphy filmed his show RAW. Murphy begins his show by talking about how various people he mentioned in his previous show, Delirious, responded to Murphy’s sarcasm and mockery towards them. Murphy then continues on to talk about Bill Cosby, and one of his lifetime role models Richard Pryor, whom he called “raw”. His show also talks about STDs which Murphy then relates to relationships; notably the practice that developed during the 1980s of wives divorcing their husbands and taking “HALF!”, as well as about the faults of both men and women and how the opposite sex exploits those weaknesses, basing it on Janet Jackson’s hit song “What Have You Done for Me Lately?”

Prior to RAW, Murphy had much success in his comedic profession. In 1980, Murphy joined the cast of Saturday Night Live as an extra, and soon became Saturday Night Lives strongest comedic presence creating memorable characters such as Mister Robinson and an older version of the Little Rascals character, Buckwheat. He continued his career onto the big screen and in 1982 received a Grammy nomination for his stand-up Eddie Murphy: Comedian. One of Murphy’s popular films in the 80s, Beverly Hills Cops, was well received by critics and fans, and was considered to be one of the best films of 1984, having a gross profit of $20,064,790 in just five days. Richard Schickel of Time Magazine wrote “Eddie Murphy exuded the kind of cheeky, cocky charm that has been missing from the screen since Cagney was a pup, snarling his way out of the ghetto.”




In 1996 Murphy decided to remake the Jerry Lewis film The Nutty Professor, portraying a university professor named Sherman Klump. Soon after the release of The Nutty Professor, Murphy earned some unlucky publicity when he was stopped in L.A. by a police officer with a transsexual prostitute in the front seat. Murphy’s spokesman told CNN “Murphy had trouble sleeping Thursday night, felt restless and decided to drive to a newsstand. Murphy spotted someone who appeared to be having a problem and stopped his vehicle to see if the person was all right.” The CNN article also mentions that Murphy’s wife and children were with him in Los Angeles. Although Murphy’s wife and kids were with him in L.A. doesn’t allude to the fact that Murphy might have been picking up a prostitute for reasons other than giving her help. Despite the incident, Murphy continued to be featured in films like Dr. Doolittle 2, Shrek, and Mulan.

One of my favorite Mu-Shu scenes in Mulan!!!!!!!!!!

Eddie Murphy is a talented, witty, charismatic actor who has had influence in my life. As a child, and to this day, Disney classics, like Mulan, are among my favorite movies. I watched Disney over and over, memorizing the dialogue and songs as a child. Murphy made me love every single movie he starred in, whether animated or not. This is the actor I had come to know and love- entertaining and kid friendly. On the other hand, his comedy shows, like RAW, have shown me the exact opposite person I had come to know and love as a child. In RAW he is definitely not kid friendly, but is still entertaining. His comedy show is vulgar and inappropriate for anyone under the age of 15, maybe even older, and he discusses topics that would definitely never be allowed at Disney. This is not the Eddie Murphy I knew, up until about three months ago. (Thank you SS)

RAW, the profanity-laced film shot at the Madison Square Garden’s Felt Forum in 1987, lived up to its title as Murphy spent 93 minutes talking about his two favorite subjects - sex and women. Similar to the swinging sixties, the perception of sex in the 80s was that everyone “did it.” You could wear see-through dresses and sunbathe topless, but no one ever talked about sex. In RAW, Murphy shines light on both cultural and social topics of the 80s using his personal past and cathartic style to do so.

In RAW, Murphy reveals that he almost got married. Almost being the key word. To understand his reasoning to about marriage, understanding the events of the 80s is crucial. Prior to the 80s, people’s attitude toward sex had been opening up and people became more comfortable with the idea of casual sex or the term “friends with benefits.” Birth control also added security in people’s minds, especially women who wanted to release their fear of an unwanted pregnancy, and helped enforce the idea that sleeping around was ok. However, sleeping around came with consequences. During the 80s, AIDS became a very pressing social and medical issue. In RAW, Murphy states that casual sex is “like a game of Russian Roulette,” meaning you never know what you are going to get, literally. People became more aware of the disease when Rock Hudson, an actor, died from the disease in 1985. The passing of Hudson made Murphy realize the dangers of sleeping with just anyone. Murphy admits to “throwing my dick on the crap table many a nights, looking for Mrs. Right.” He took note of the affects of AIDS and decided it was time to stop partying and settle down with one woman. “You can’t keep messing around in the 80s, eventually your dick will fall off.”

What defines a woman as Mrs. Right? For most men, stated by Stephan Speaks, a certified relationship coach, they would say she is someone that supports them, makes them laugh, and is nothing like their mother. Murphy talks about his process of finding the perfect woman, Mrs. Right, to take him out of “the game.” He compares finding the perfect women to rolling a dice; it takes a few times before you get what you want. Murphy’s idea of the perfect woman is someone who is intelligent but also pleasing to the eye. The characteristic of being beautiful is so important to Murphy he feels the need to mention it twice. The idea of “HALF”, “losing half your shit” when you get divorced, is the main reason why Murphy didn’t get married in 1987. Murphy jokes that he “intends to go deep into Africa to find a “bush bitch” who has no concept of Western culture in order to get a wife who (he hopes) will not divorce him.” The idea of HALF scared him, which is why Murphy has been so insistent on having a prenuptial agreement.

Stated by Cheryl Young, an attorney with Hangley Aronchick Segal Pudling & Schiller, pre-nuptials may not be the most romantic idea, but many couples planning to marry elect for prenuptial agreements. The reality is that many marriages end in divorce, and getting a prenup, stated by The Wall Street Journal, “saves a lot of heartache and money when it comes time to distribute those assets.”

December 18, 1987 Madison Square Garden, NY City

(flashback to Eddie’s life as a child)

Show me that little dance

you-all be doing.(kid dancing)

- I told y’all to stop running in here.

- Yes, ma’am.

I’m gonna smack one

of you now, you hear?

Them pants cost $ .

baby, you hear?

See that chocolate cake

I bought?

The chocolate cake

that was on the counter?

- Yeah.

- Well, check Cousin Cecil’s pockets.

He probably got it in there with the

turkey leg and the sweet potato pie.

Hey, little brother. Show me that

little dance you-all be doing.

Get down, Lester, you is talking!

You move like you’re 21.

That dance ain’t new. It ain’t nothing

Hope you enjoy my snapple facts throughout the transcription. Some parts Murphy rants on and on, so hope you find them FUN!

but the old shuffle-butt. (family laughing)

Well, show me that move.

Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down.

Can’t you see the kids

are trying to put a show on there?

Lester, she ain’t your mama.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Junior!

Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa.

Come on, baby.

Sing a song for Grandma.

- That’s my granddaughter.

- That’s my niece.

(Vanessa sings, family claps in harmony- song- “Why do fools fall in love”)

The song, “Why do fools fall in love?” , lets you forsee the main topic of Murphy’s show- love.

Mama, I got a joke.

Little Eddie got a joke to tell.

Go on, Eddie.

Eddie. Eddie.

I got a joke to tell.

Once there was a lion

and a monkey.

The monkey said,

“I can make the weather change.”

And the lion said,

“No, you can’t.”

So the monkey started

climbing up the tree. (little Eddy pretends to climb a tree)

And then he started peeing (imitated peeing)

on the lion’s head.

“Now it’s raining!”

Then he started farting. (made farting noises/moves butt)

“Now there’s thunder!”

Then he started doo-dooing. (pretends to poop)

“Now it’s snowing!”

So the lion said, “Oh, yeah?

Well, I can make the stars come out.”

And then he kicked him

in the ding-ding. (imitates kickings someone in their nuts)

This joke allows you to see the profound ways of Eddie Murphy as a child and allows you to predict the obsene profanity of his show.
Samuel L. Jackson plays little Eddies uncle in the flashback. Having Samuel L. Jackson in the flashback just pumps up the entire flashback, and also acknowledges Murphy’s talent as a comeidan.

Thank you.

I love that doo-doo line.

That boy’s got talent.

(end of flashback)

(fans opinions)

My favorite movie is Trading Places.

- Hrs. Has to be.

- Trading Places.

- Beverly Hills Cop.

- Delirious.

- Beverly Hills Cop.

- No, Hrs.

- All of them.

- Hrs.

- All of them.

- Hrs.

I even liked Best Defense.

I’m looking forward to seeing

him in that leather suit.

The leather suit is a iconic look of Muphy’s, also shown in his show Delirious. The picture at the top gives you an idea of what his purple full length leather suit looked like.

- I’m telling you, that behind and all.

- Yeah, he’s looking sexy.

- He looks good.

- Handsome.

(end of fans opinions/ shows him walking in with his “possy”)

(fans cheer/ he bodie is outlined on the screen )

Thank you.

Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit.

Cool out. (Murphy calms the crowd)

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you, thank you!

And hello, New York City! (audience cheers)

Snapple Fact #989- To make one pound of honey, a honeybee must tap about one million flowers.

Thank you for coming out.

Don’t let the lights and cameras

throw y’all.

We filming a movie here tonight

and y’all gonna be in this shit.

Except only I’m getting paid

for the motherfucka. (Eddie laughs)

FUCK #1

Every now and then

I take a joke too far.

That’s why I haven’t been

on the road the last three years.

Did y’all see Delirious?

(fans cheer)

In Delirious, I was making fun

out of a lot of entertainers too.

That’s when I got scared.

I did some jokes about Mr. T.

And Mr. T was gonna fuck Ed up.

Mr. T is an african american comedian from Keey and Peel, and also is featured in the A-TEAM. This is on of the first black comedians Murphy mentions.

He was…

And I was scared,

because y’all seen Mr. T.

He don’t look like, you know,

like he can’t fight.

He looks like he can

whip some ass, right?

And I was petrified. I would walk

at parties and people say:

“Yo, man, Mr. T was just here

looking for you.” (in a deep voice)

He was walking up

to people saying:

“I’m gonna whip Eddie Murphy’s ass

when I see him.” (Mr. T voice)

Then I watched his show,

because I didn’t know him,

to see what kind of guy he was,

and the character on the show

ain’t too bright.

So I figured if he came up to me,

I could use the Jedi mind trick on him.

Saying that he could use the Jedi mind trick on Mr. T suggest that just because Mr. T is big and strong, does not mean he is stupid and fall for it.

Mr. T walk up and go, “I heard

you did some jokes about me.” (Mr. T voice)

“No, you didn’t.”

“Maybe I didn’t.” (serious voice/ staring the crowd down)

“I’m gonna go beat up the fool

that told me them lies.”

I’d be at parties,

hear he was looking for me,

I would just leave.

I don’t wanna fight Mr. T.

Then I found out Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson, an iconic music producer. Interesting that so far Murphy has only discussed African American celeberties.

was looking for me. I was like…

Yo when Mike…

My manager called me up and said:

“Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad.”

I was like, “So?” (raises eyebrows)

You know, because I’d fuck Mike up. (fans laugh)

You know, Mike…

Mike don’t weigh but a buck-oh-five,

you know.

I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking

for him, but my manager said:

“We don’t know everything

about Michael.

“He might be this baaaddd motherfucker

behind closed doors.

“He’s a recluse. Behind closed doors,

he might be completely different.”

And I’d be at a party and have

Michael walk up to me one day

and it’d be like this:

“Can I talk to you for a minute? (in a girly high pitched voice)

Snapple Fact #974- All gondalas in Venice, Italy must be painted black unless they are carrying an important person.

“Yeah, what’s your motherfucking

problem, man?

“Well, how come you keep

fucking with me then, huh?

“What’s all the motherfucking jokes?

You don’t like my clothes?

“I’m Michael-motherfucking-Jackson, (fixes his hair)

As if just because he is Michael Jackson makes him more special than someone else being made fun of.

I will bust your ass.

“Get the fuck out, motherfucker…

“I will moonwalk all up and down your ass motherfucker”

“You mind your

motherfucking business.

“I hear some more shit,

I’m gonna put this glove up your ass.

“I’ll see you later.” (moon walks away)

That’s a dumb…

I could never…

I’ve been trying for five months

to do the moonwalk

and I can’t do the shit. It’s shitty.

It’s the dumbest dance ever,

because I can’t do it, (Murphy laughs)

that’s why I say it’s stupid.

But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance?

Be at a party, say, “Hey, baby, come on, let’s dance. See you later.” (moon walks away)

Do the moonwalk. That’s some stupid shit. Michael can do that shit, though.

Michael’s so famous, Michael went on TV and everything he says, the public believes.

Went on television and said:

“I don’t have sex because

of my religious beliefs.”

And the public believed it.

I know brothers were like,

Brothers refer to Murphy only referring to black men. White men probably had some of the same thoughts.

“Get the fuck out of here.”

And white people go, “That Michael’s

a special kind of guy. (in stereotypical white guy voice)

“He’s special. I mean, he’s good,

clean and wholesome.”

Clean and wholesome is far from what I describe Michael jackson to be. Considering that Michael Jackson died from a drug overdose.

You know how I knew y’all believed it?

Y’all didn’t get mad when he took

Brooke Shields to the Grammys.

Interracional relationships were just being seen as culturally ok.

Nobody white said shiiet.

And Brooke Shields

is the whitest woman in America.

Miss America every year is Brooke.

Fuck who you see with the crown.

You look up “white woman”

in the dictionary,

be a picture of Brooke like this: (big smile/crowd laughs)

She’s white.

And this nigger took her

to the Grammys, nobody said shit.

If I took Brooke Shields

to the Grammys,

y’all would lose your mind.

Because y’all know Brooke would get fucked that night. (says it in a undertone, slipps it in under his breath, mumbles it, scratches his head)

The first sign of referencing sex and women.

(crowd cheers/Murphy paces stage)

And Brooke knew too.

That’s why we going thiis year.

No…

Stop. Now, see?

I did jokes about…

I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals a couple years ago and faggots were mad.

They were like…

And they were… There’s nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you.

Homosexuals was a big topic of the 80s, and was something that the world was just becoming ok with.

I’d be at parties… There’s always two or three at a party.

They’d be standing around looking at you, they’d be looking at… (sexual look up and down- like a gay man/ eyes wide)

“He’s an asshole.” (stereotypical gay man’s voice)

I can’t travel the country

freely no more.

I can’t go to San Francisco.

They got 24-hour homo watch waiting for me in the airport.

Soon as I got off the plane,

they’d be like:

“He’s here, yes. Yes, it’s him.

Yes, it’s him!” (in a gay mans voice)

And the cars would come rushing

across town. It’d be: (imitates a siren/whipping his hand)

And it won’t be no siren, it’ll be

a real fag sitting on the roof going: (sits down and whips his hand in a circle like a siren going around and around)

“Pull ova. Pull ova.

“Pull over. (gay man’s voice)

Eddie Murphy making fun of a topic of big controversy as homosexuality almost makes it feel normal to discuss such a topic in public.

I’m gonna read him his rights.

“You have the right to remain silent. (snaps his fingers in a z formation)

“Anything you say can and will

be held against you.(snaps his fingers and bobs his head)

“You have the right to an attorney.

Turn around. I’m gonna frisk you.

“You carrying any concealed

weapons? (feels his butt as if being frisked)

“Are you carrying…?

What is this? What is this? (grabs his dick)

“Lay down on the floor

and spread them.” (Murphy can’t stop laughing)

(crowd laughs)

Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show?

Yeah! (crowd screems in agrieance)

Snapple Fact #968- -40 degrees Fahrenheit is the same temperature as -40 degrees Celsius

I do too.

I love Bill Cosby’s show.

I been a big fan of Bill Cosby

all my life.

Never met the man before,

but he called me up about a year ago

and chastised me on the phone

for being too dirty on-stage.

It was real weird,

because I had never met him

and he just thought it was… He should

call me up, because he was Bill,

Why does Eddie Murphy only make fun of black actors?

and tell me that he did…

About what comedy is all about.

And I sat and listened

to this man chastise me.

And when Bill Cosby chastises you, (shaking his finger)

you forget you grown.

You feel like one of

the Cosby kids and shit…

And I ran in the house

all excited to talk to Bill

and picked up the telephone

and Bill got raawww on me.

I was like, “Hello, Mr. Cosby?”

This is the third black comedian Murphy has referenced. We have yet to hear about a white comedian.

And you hear: (imitates Cosby’s voice)

“I would like to talk to yoouuuuu…

“…about some of the thiiings

that yoouuuu (elongated) do in your show!

“Now, I’m going to tell you a story.”

He always tells you stories.

“I would like to tell you a story.

Iiiiii have five, children. (in Cosby voice)

“One, two, three, four, fiiive.

Five… Five children. (sitting on his stool)

“I live in Massachusetts with my wife,

Camille, and my five children!

“Now, of the fiiive children that we have,

there are four girls and a boy.

“The boy’s name is Ennis.

He loves everything you do.

“Comes home from school

the other day

“with a big smile on his face.

And my son looks just like me.

“He walks through the door,

looking at me with this big smile,(fake smile/imitating Bill Cosby)

“and I cannot resist, because

it’s such a beautiful smile.

“And he walks up and I say,

‘What are you smiliing about?

“And the child says to me:

‘I’m smiling because I need money

to go see the Eddie Murphy show.

‘Please give me money for a ticket. (lip is curled up covering his bottom set of teeth)

“Now, if the child is smiling this way

because he needs money for a ticket, (hand gesturing)

“I have to give him money

for a tickET.

“I do not handle the money

in the house.

“My wife, Camille,

handles the ticket money.

This is interesting that it states that Cosby doesn’t handle to money in the family, considering back then mostly men handled the financial aspects of life.

“So I must go into the kitchen,

“to where my wife is cooking dinner

for the family. (walking across the stage bent over like an older man)

“And she is inside

the kitchen cooking.

“And she’s got a bowl.

“And she’s cooking up the food, man.

She’s cooking it up.

“And the child walks in the room

with the smile

“and he says,

‘Mother, please, money.’

“She gives him the money,

he runs off to see your show.

“NOW!, we sit in the living room

waiting for Ennis to return.

“At about 5 o’clock in the morning,

the child comes through the door.

“He has a different look on his face.

“A look like he heard something at your

show that he’s never heard before.

“And I say to my child,

I say, ‘Chiiild… ‘

“I say, ‘What did the man say

on the stage? ‘

“And he says, ‘Pop, the man

comes out and says these things.’

“I say, ‘Well, what did he say? ‘

‘Pop, he comes out

and says some stuff.’

“I say, ‘What did he do? ‘

‘Pop, he walks out and he goes:

“Hello, suck this, and MF

A child should not be seeing this comedy show. It’s Cosby’s own fault his child is scarred for life.

and kiss my big black stuff.

“And suck it and stick it down

in your mouth and suck it, suck it.” (Bobs his head back in forth to agree with the statement)

This long rant from Bill Cosby allows you to see that Eddie Murphy isn’t going to hold anything back. He is going to be RAW with you.
Him being RAW with the crowd, makes it seem like he is just like them, and makes the show more enjoyable.

“You cannot say filth, flarn, filth,flarn, filth in front of people.”

And I say, “I never said

no ‘filth, flarn, filth’.” (Eddies voice)

“You know what I’m talking about. (Cosby voice)

“I can’t use the type of language

that you use,

“but you know what I mean when

I say ‘filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth’.”

I say, “I never said ‘filth, flarn, filth’. (Eddies voice)

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.

I’m offended you called. Fuck you.”

That’s when Bill got pissed and said:

“That’s what I’m talking about.

Yooouu cannot say ‘FUCK’… (audience cheers)

“…in front of people.”

And I got mad.

Because he thought

that was my whole act.

Like I just walked out on-stage

His profanity and inappropriate language is not his entire act, but it wouldn’t be as legendary if it had no cursing in it what so ever.

and cursed and left.

I manage to stick in some

jokes between the curses.

You couldn’t give no curse show.

Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum,

“motherfucker, dick, pussy,

snot and shit. Good night.

“Good night. Suck my dick.

Bye-bye.”

I was pissed off. I was so mad (Murphy pacing)

Snapple Fact #829- Women’s hearts typically beat faster than men’s hearts.

I called Richard Pryor’s house up.

I said, “Yo, Richard,

It’s amazing that Richard Pryor was one of Murphy’s role models as a child, and now is one of his good friends. Really shows how famous Murphy was with everyone.

Bill Cosby just called me up

“and told me I was too dirty.”

Richard said:

“The next time motherfucker call,

tell him I said, ‘Suck MY dick.’

“I don’t give a fuck.

“Whatever the fuck make

the people laugh, say that shit.”

This is true. It doesn’t matter when it comes to comedy. As long as it is funny, most people don’t care about what it pertains to.

He said, “Do people laugh

when you say what you say?”

I said, “Yes.”

“Do you get paid?” I said, “Yes.”

He said, “Well, tell Bill I said:

‘Have a Coke and a smile

and shut the fuck up.

“The Jell-O pudding-eating

Referencing the Jell-O/puddng comercial Bill Cosby did.

mothafucker.”

Richard… Richard is the rawest

motherfucker in show business.

Richard’s the one that made me

wanna do comedy.

When I was little, I wanted to be

Richard Pryor so bad I used to…

Remember, you’d sneak in

the basement, put his albums on,

and your mother ain’t

supposed to hear,

and you’re listening to this shit

and I turned it…

I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used

to go out on-stage when I was 15

and talk and act and walk

and do everything like Richard.

My mother would sit there and watch

Her 15 year-old son on-stage

saying some outlandish shit.

Obviously it paid off.
His mother either didn’t give a flip about what he was doing, or she was the most supportive mother to sit their and listen to the stuff coming out of his mouth.

My whole act back then

was about taking a shit,

because that’s all I had done at 15.

That was my life experience,

but it sounded like Pryor jokes.

I’d be going, “You ever, sometime,

right, you get on that toilet

“and when you shit,

that water splash up on your ass? (story about his past)

These jokes about shit, is another example of Murphy’s inappropriate but funny comedic humor.

“Don’t that make you mad, right?

You know when you are listending to this you are imaging a moment when it happened to you.

You know what really make me mad?

“It’s when shit come

halfway out your ass,

“then go back up

in that mothafucker.

Snapple Fact #933- A crocodile can’t stick out its tounge.

“Right? Why do shit be teasing

your ass, right?

“Just get the fuck out, right?

PRAISE… LOL hope you are enjoying ☺

“You know what really bother me

“is when you be straining

for a long time, right?

“And one little pebble shit come out.

“Right? Be some shit this big, (shows representation of size) right?

“Push your head

up your asshole, say:

‘That’s all the shit I’m gonna get,

mothafucker? ‘

“You know what really

make me mad,

“when your ass

don’t cooperate with you

“and clench up

and break the shit in half.

“You be mad

as a motherfucker too,

“because you know

you gott to wipe your ass

“for, like, five hours and shit, right? (Murphy laughs)

“Use 12 rolls of toilet paper

on that motherfucker.

“You know what really make me mad,

though, is afterwards, right?

“You done all the shitting you

gonna do for the whole day, right?

“You finish shitting and you flush

the toilet and wait a second

“and one chunk come back.

“What does that chunk want?”

That was my act.

Again, this just shows how RAW Eddie Murphy is with his fans.

My mother sit there shocked.

If you don’t speak English,

you can’t hear that bit.

All you hear is “shit, ass, shit, shit.”

I got a lot of foreigners

that come over.

People from other countries have seen

my films and come over to the U.S.,

because New York

is a tourist place,

and they get HBO

and they catch Delirious

and they can’t speak English

and try to do my act

and all they got is the curses.

I got foreigners from all over

walking up, going:

(in foreigner voice)

“Eddie Murphy! Fuck you! (big smile)

Eddie Murphy adding this into his show for me almost down plays his show. This shows that some people only relate him to inappropriate language. Murphy probably wants to be know for more than that.

“Fuck you, Eddieeeee. (wags his finger still smiling)

“I know you. I see you on television.(pointing)

“You’re the ‘FUCK you’ man, right?

It also shows though how widely spread his comedies are and how mcuh people love them.

“I love it. Suck my dick, huh? (jacks off his dick)

“Suck it, you black mothafucker.

“I love it. The best mothafucker.

The ‘fuck you’ man.”

Made me stay in the house, man.

Almost got married last year.

The first reference of marriage, and his views on the topic.

Don’t you “ooh” and “aah”.

Got to get married in the 80’s.

I read the papers.

I said, “Fuck this, I’m getting out.”

Hey, you know, read.

You can catch some shit.

You can’t just keep messing around

like you used to.

Eventually, your dick will fall off.

Your dick will fall off, is refering to all the diseases that came around in the 80s making people die like AIDS

Remember…? Remember, like,

VD in the 60’s?

That shit don’t just sting no more.

Every time they cure something,

it come back stronger.

VD is new and improved now.

They got dudes in the doctor’s office

with symptoms like, “Excuse me, doc,

“what does it mean when you

go to the bathroom

Snapple Fact #954- Until its demolition in 2012, 1% of Greenland’s total population lived in a single apartment building called Block P.

“and fire shoot out your dick?”

“Let me get this right. (doctor voice- imitating a white man)

So you’re getting a burning sensation

“when you urinate?”

“No, fire shoot out my dick, is all.

“A burst of flame fly out my dick

when I pee.

“I can’t even pee in the house, I burn

my house down. I gotta go outside.

(crowd laughs)

“I was outside peeing,

dude tried to mug me,

“I turned around and burned him up

on the street.

“Because my dick is a blowtorch,

is what I’m trying to say.”

Got to be careful.

They say having casual sex nowadays

Russian Roulette is a gun game where you put one bullet and a revolver and take your chanes with pulling the trigger to your head. Coairing sleeping around and Russian Roulette shows that you never know what you could get. A bullet and die, or a deadly disease.

is like playing Russian roulette.

And I know I’ve thrown my dick

Compairing casual sex to Russian Roulette implies the serious of the matter. Compairing STD’s to the lethal game allows people to see he is serious.
By Eddie Murphy giving us a personal and relatable story, it makes it seem to the audiance that he is just another person.

on the crap table many a night.

Looking for Miss Right,

you be gamblin every time.

You gambling with your dick, saying,

Pretending to roll dice, trying to find “Mrs. Right”, shows that finding the perfect person his hard and takes time.

“Come on, need a woman with a mind.

“Come on, now. I need somebody

perfect for me. (pretending to role dice, but to role his dick)

Give it to me, now!

“Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch.

This just represents how superficial Murphy is about the women he dates. Wants them to be beautiful and beautiful. Not bucktooth and fat.

No, give me my dick back. No.

“I’m gonna keep rolling.

I got one more roll in me.

“I want the perfect woman, now.

What is the perfect woman???

I want somebody with a mind,

“intelligence, a nice ass and a body. (throws dice)

Give it to me, now!

“Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch.

No, give my dick back.

“Give my dick back.

Now, listen, be quiet.

“I’m gonna keep rolling.

This is my last roll.

“This is the last one.

This is the one for me.

“Miss Right. Blow on this for luck. (LIKE DICE)

“This is my last roll.

Come on. Here we go.

“Give it to me, now!

Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out.

“My dick is fucked up.

He does admit though that sleeping around comes with its consequences.

My dick is ruined.”

So be careful. Get married.

I went out and found

the perfect woman.

Nineteen years old. Beautiful face.

A virgin. Nobody ever fucked her.

Again his standards are superficial. Wanting a virgin, nice butt, legs, and breast. He needs to change his standards.

And had an ass like this: POW!!!

And her legs are like: BAM!!!

Her titties are like: POW!!!

She was so fine. She’s one of the people that’s so fine,

when you see them,

they make you ugly.

You be like, “Goddamn,

who is that mothafucker?”

She was fine.

I went, I cut all my girls off.

I said, “That’s it, I’m getting married.

This is it. Gonna be me and her.”

I was so happy. And I went out

and I went shopping.

And I was waiting on the line

and I saw the Enquirer magazine

while I was waiting on the line

and I saw Johnny Carson

on the front page.

There was a picture of him like this: (pretending to cry)

Then I said, “What’s up with Johnny?”

I turned to the inside story

and his wife was on the other page

and she was like this: (pretending to smile and be happy)

And over her head it said, “Johnny’s

wife wants half Johnny’s money.”

I turned that shit back to Johnny.

Then I started thinking about it. (pretends to cry)

Half.

The ideas of HALF makes marriage go out the window. Eddie Murphy is more concerned with his financial stability, which is something to be concerned about, than the person he says he loves and is “Mrs. Right.”

If you… If you have $5

and have to give somebody

$2.50 you’d be upset.

Relating taking half to only having $5 makes the situation very different because since it is so little, you feel bad about taking half. Relating it htough to taking half of 300 million dollars doesn’t seem that bad because the other person is still left with 150 million dollars, which is more than enough.

Johnny had to have

at least 300 million.

And have to give up $150 million?

And they wasn’t even married

but ten years.

And $150 million? Get…

Half these days isn’t the usual agreement in divorce. Most of the time the money maker has to provide enough money to keep their spouses life the way it was, especially if they had kids.

Give me a fucking break.

What…? What…?

And ladies… Now, here’s a woman

right here saying, “Right on.”

Baby, that’s not fair.

Not no 150 million.

I see a lot of you ladies going:

“Get all the money you can, shit. (bobbing his head imitating a women)

Snapple Fact #925- The White House was originally called the President’s Palace. It became the White House in 1901.

I’m glad she did get all that money.

“She earned it. She earned it.

That… You damn right.

“She was married to him,

Eddie Murphy’s impression of women here is overexagerate. Most women don’t sit around thinking they deserve all of the husbands money. On the other hand it is appropriate for each spouse to get some compensation from the other.

she deserved that money.”

Get the fuck out of my face

with that bullshit.

(crowds claps and cheers)

No. Stop it.

(men in the crowd cheer)

No, don’t get me wrong.

If you marry somebody

and neither one of you have anything

and you build 300 million together,

you deserve half.

But Johnny was 300 million in

when they met.

And I’m quite sure she knew.

Johnny says, “Hey, I’m Johnny.”

She was like, “I know who you are,

mothafucker.”

And they got married, broke up,

shit didn’t work out.

And then he had to give her

$150 million of his money.

I know a lot of housewives

sitting out there going:

“You can’t put a price on what I do.”

But, ladies, if you marry a man

with $300 million,

you ain’t no regular housewife. You

ain’t got to clean the house no more.

You get a maid.

You ain’t cleaning shit!

You marry a man with $300 million,

you ain’t cooking. You’re eating out.

You marry… You know how a lot of

housewives gotta get jobs on the side

to help make ends meet?

He got 300 million, the ends

are meeting like a mothafucker.

What you gonna do, get a job at

a boutique on the weekends and shit?

And say, “Here, Johnny.

I made $70 put that with the rest.

“Now we have $300 million and $70.

At least this would be better than doing nothing.

“Because I want to do my share.”(wobbling his head)

No.

All you have to do, you marry

a man with $300 million,

is fuck your husband.

That’s it! That’s your job.

Fuck your husband! That’s it.

This line shows you his feeling and opinions of marriage. Assuming that just because your husband has a lot of money, all you have to do is have sex with him to keep him happy isn’t correct. That is where Murphy is wrong, and where his disregard of relationships come into place.

That’s… Just fuck your husband.

You fill out a W-2

they say, “What you do?”

You say, “I fuck my husband.”

That’s it.

(crowd cheers and claps)

And I’ve had my share of pussy.

I have yet…

Even if the pussy was great

and sparks shot out

the woman’s ass

and cannons blared

and the mountains crumbled

and the seas roared,

no pussy is worth $150 million!

(Crowd cheers)

No pussy!

I’d like to meet some pussy like that.

Put the shit on layaway.

That shit scared the shit out of me.

Half? I was petrified.

Murphy got married in another country but wasn’t legal in the states. When they planned their marriage in the US it never happened due to his “wife” not wanting to sign a prenup.

Man, you know what’s real scary

is that American women in the 80’s

have become very business-conscious.

Y’all the most resourceful

and the most business-smart

women on the planet. (Ladies cheer) Now, in the 80’s.

And it would be an asset to us,

as American men,

if you weren’t so vindictive.

Woman wouldn’t be vindictive if men didn’t do such stupid things. Most woman don’t seek out revenge.

Because the two don’t match.

Then, what’s really fucked up,

is y’all the most loving people.

American women

are all off into this romance

and they genuinely

fall in love with you.

Now, love and money do not mix.

I agree with this. Money and love don’t mix. Many people marry for the wrong reasons, which is why prenups are such a hard discusion. If you truly love someone though, you will sign the prenup.

The shit don’t mix.

Especially if you got

a business-smart woman…

You go up and say, “I never met

anybody like you before.”

“I never met anyone like you.”

“Why don’t we be together.”

“Will you marry me?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

“Before we get married, why don’t

you sign this prenuptial agreement.”

Prenups have proven to ruin a marriage. People believe they stop “gold diggers” from marrying money, and they do. But they also help with determining who gets what if a spouse dies, or that what you came into the marrage is yours if you decide to split. I think Murphy’s representation of prenuptial agreements is false and misleading.

(stops with the stereotypical blank, what? Women face)

“What do you mean,

a prenuptial agreement?”

“That’s a contract that stipulates

if we ever break up,

“you take what you had

and I take what I had.” (smiles, like hell yes, bobbing his head)

“First of all, I don’t give a fuck who

you are and what you have, OK?

“You got a lot of motherfucking nerve

by asking me to sign a contract.

“There’s nothing a man can do

for me that I can’t do for myself.

“You got a whole lot of…

I love you.

You can love someone as much as you want. You can even think they are your soulmate. Prenups though have become more and more popular and they are something I believe to be a necessity these days.

“Telling me to sign a contract

to show that I love you?

“If I need something, I can go to my

family. My family takes care of me.”

And men hear all that shit

and we be like this, “OK. (mans voice, convinced one is not needed)

Snapple Fact #975- The letter J is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

“We don’t need no contract.”

And you don’t get a contract

and get married without one

and the shit don’t work out

and you break up a year later.

She’s sitting around

in the kitchen by herself, mad,

trying to figure out a way

to get even with your ass.

“I can’t believe that motherfucker

did this to me!

“After all the shit I did…

“All the things I did for that

motherfucker, he do this to me?

“Him and his fat bitch

can kiss my ass!

“I don’t give a shit about either one of them.

“I don’t want shit from him or her and I don’t care.

“You know something? You know

what I should…? You know…? (just has a realization)

“Half!

The idea of half is also a misrepresentation of prenups. Most of the time if two people split, the “money maker” usually is required to give enough money to keep his family’s life normal.

“I’ll take half his shit!” (joyful voice)

Murphy over exaggerates how mean and vindictive woman are.

And they’ll get it.

They’ll get half your money,

your house, your car, alimony,

child support and your children.

You will be on the cover

of the Enquirer like this: (imitates crying)

So be careful!

I started having nightmares.

I was waking up in the middle

of the night like this: “Half!”

Because I’m into American women.

I like American women.

I got a friend

got a Japanese girlfriend.

And Japanese women are

the most docile women on the planet.

They’re real… They’re real timid,

timid, timid, timid women.

I walked in the house

and his friend, Japanese girl,

bowed to me when I walked in.

I said, “What’s wrong

with your wife’s back and shit?”

He said, “That’s a Japanese thing.

They bow.”

And I was like,

“Miss, did you decorate the house?”

She looked at her husband,

he did like this:

“You may speak.”

And she spoke.

And I was like, “Now, that’s

These coments are a very racial in that the Japanese culture is run by men, and woman have very little say in their life.

pussy control for you, there.”

(crowd laughs)

You know, because I’m used

to American women saying:

“You don’t own me.” (sassy voice, bobs his head)

They don’t own us!!!

“Hey, baby, where you going?”

“Excuse me?”

“I said, where you going?”

“You don’t own me.”

“You my woman, ain’t you?”

“I don’t see no rings on these fingers. (flashes his fingers)

“Are you gonna put a ring

on this finger?

“Well, I…”

“Then you don’t own me then, OK?

(Starts to rant like a women)

“I don’t give a fuck

who you are or what you have, OK?

“You got a whole lot of nerve,

come and ask me where I’m going.

“I don’t answer to my father,

I ain’t gonna answer to no man.

“Ain’t no man gonna tell me

where I can go.

“Who do you think you are?

“To come and ask me where

I’m going? Nobody owns me.

“I own myself.

I am my own person.”

And we hear all that shit,

then be, “OK.”

“Well, where you gonna be?”

“I’m gonna be where I’m at!

“You don’t own me!”

Well, you don’t.

You don’t own your woman.

“You gonna put a ring on my finger?”

That shuts you right up.

You say, “OK.”

I know you spend a lot of your money

on your woman.

And I know you go to the movies

This is what makes woman love men. There is nothing better than going out with a man and him treating you like your on a pedistal. It makes you feel important, and it shows the man as a gentleman.

and you go to get the ice cream

and the candy and the flowers

and the anklets and the bracelets

and help her get some clothes.

You spending all your money

on shit you ain’t never spent it on.

But you don’t own her.

Because theoretically,

that pussy’s on lease.

You’re leasing the pussy.

Murphy here is comparing a relationship to having a lease on a house. He is right about this. Nothing is permanent until their is a ring on her finger.

With an option to buy.

(crowd laughs)

But be careful, because

you lose half on the trade-in.

You got to be careful.

You gotta have a J-O-B in the 80’s.

You gotta have some money,

Having money and being successful is a very attractive quality in a man for woman. Doesn’t mean that they are gold diggers. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who can support their family.

you can’t get no pussy.

Listen to the radio.

That’s what it’s about.

Listen to Madonna.

“I’m a material girl in a material world,

“you ain’t got no money,

you can’t have no pussy.”

There’s a song out now called

“Got to Have a J-O-B

If You Wanna Be With Me.”

And the lyrics go,

“Ain’t nothing going on but the rent.”

Snapple Fact #804- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

Like if you went up and said:

“Hey, baby, what’s going on?”

Lazy men are the worst!!!

“The rent, mothafucker.”

As much as woman want to be the independent business woman, woman want someone who can support their family if she didn’t work.

“You have a job?” “Well, I…”

“Then get the fuck out my face.”

Got to have some money. It says,

I think that the way Murphy potrays women is degrading. Not all woman want a man with money and a great job.

“No romance without finance.”

And women love them songs.

They be going:

Got to have a J-O-B (sings like a women and dances)

Would you date someone who didn’t have a job???

If you wanna be with me

Janet Jackson got a hit record:

“What Have You Done

For Me Lately”.

That’s what they thinking.

“What have you done for me lately?”

The record start off like that.

“I know he used to do shit for you,

but what has he done for you lately?”

“Baby, I love you.”

“What have you done for me lately?”

“You the only thing on my mind.”

“What have you done for me lately?”

“We make good love.”

“What have you done for me lately?”

Got to have some money

to get some pussy in the 80’s.

It’s fucked up, that’s why I say,

hey, I’m a target.

If I ever get married, I have to go off

to the woods of Africa

and find me some crazy,

naked, zebra bitch…

…that knows nothing about money.

She got to be butt naked on a zebra

with a big bone in her nose

and a big plate lip

and a big, FUCKED-UP Afro!

Her Afro… Afro gotta…

Like, Angela Davis see it and go:

“Goddamn, that’s some

fucked-up shit.”

Afro gotta be fucked up

and one of them picks

with a fist in the back.

And she gotta be butt naked,

because if she got clothes,

she gonna have to put

something in the pockets.

She’s gotta be butt naked on

the zebra. And y’all think it’s a joke.

I’m gonna walk up and say,

“Hey, how you doing? My name’s…”

And she go: (makes up African language)

I say, “Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy.”

And I’m gonna bring her home.

Y’all gonna go past a newsstand one

day and see me on the cover of JET

with some woman with a big bone

and a plate and a big, fucked-up Afro,

butt naked, and y’all gonna say,

“Eddie must be visiting Africa.”

Lt’ll say, “Murphy Marries Bush Bitch.”

I’m gonna be like: (Big smile)

What?

What?

Because I ain’t getting caught.

I refuse to get caught out there.

Fuck that.

And I’m gonna bring her home

and lock her up in the house.

You go off to Africa

and get you a bush woman,

you can’t let her mingle

with American women.

Because they’ll change her shit up.

American women stick together.

Last thing they wanna see

is you got some trained

bush bitch in your house.

They will catch her by herself

in the kitchen

and throw a monkey wrench

in your whole program.

They get her alone, they be like,

(starts to rant and mumble along)

“I can’t stand the way you be

“doing everything he tell you to do.

You a human being.

“This house is too big for one person

to clean. Why don’t you leave?

“You always crying. Just leave him.

Assuming that just because she is from Africa she is unintelligent is demeaning to woman.

You know something?

“Do you know you could take half

his money? Did you know that?

“He didn’t tell you

you were entitled to half?

Eddie Murphy became famous so young, that the fame and money have gone to his head. Which is why he has all theses superficial views.

“He only told you half the story.

“You can take half the money,

the car, the house, the children.

“You can buy all the zebras

and bones you want.

“Go back home in style, girl.

And get your hair done right.

“Cut that Afro off, go back home

in style. Who the hell he think he is?

“Let me tell you about Eddie Murphy.

“That motherfucker ain’t nothing but…

Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing?

“Oh, I didn’t know you was here.

You scared me.

“No, I can’t stay. I was just talking

to Uhmfufu about a couple of things.

“No, no, no, I got to go. I got to…

You two… Y’all two lovebirds talk.

“Eddie, talk to your…

Talk to Uhmfufu.

“Y’all got a lot to talk about. Go on,

Eddie. Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu…”

Snapple Fact #852- A group of twelve or more cows is called a flink.

And leave me in the kitchen with

some bush bitch… with an attitude.

“Eddie! (African accent)

“Eddie!

“I want to talk to you!”

“What’s your problem, baby?”

“I don’t like the way

you treat me, Eddie.

“You treat me like animal.”

“You was butt naked

on a zebra last month.”

“I don’t care, Eddie.

I am American woman now.

“I want what’s coming to me.

“Eddie, what have you

done for me lately?”

“I want you to be happy.

Well, what you want?”

“Half!

“Give me half, Eddie.

Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man.

“Suck my dick, Eddie.

“You motherfucker.” (Big smile like fuck you)

Then I’d be on the front page

of the African Enquirer like this: (pretends to cry)

So be careful.

Don’t get caught in a trap.

Any woman can get

any man she wants

if she puts her mind and pussy to it.

They can have you.

Hope you are enjoying this rant going on by Eddie Murphy. Enough already, I get it, you don’t want someone who is going to take all of your money.

They have figured us out. We’re very

easy creatures to figure out.

And women know all they have

to do is cater to our egos enough

and they can have you. Guys,

how many times have you fucked

some ugly bitch that just kept hanging

around and you had to fuck her?

And then afterwards you be like this,

“I can’t believe I fucked this bitch.” (acts amazed)

They just cater to your ego.

Sometimes you’ll see

a real ugly bitch

Looks aren’t everything

with a handsome dude.

You say, “How that happen?”

Who’s kidding, looks are a lot of a relationship at the beginning.

Dude’s going,

“Yeah, how that happen?”

Because she catered to his ego.

They can figure us out.

Guys, don’t get trapped.

We’ll call them “pussy traps”.

Let’s call them pussy traps.

It’s a trap.

They trap you with the pussy.

They catch you with the pussy, see.

And it’s a trap

The most common trap

is to not give you any, though.

Don’t think, “Maybe you’re

gonna put a trap on.”

The most common is when you ain’t

getting any at all, that’s the trap.

When you meet a woman

and everything is perfect

and she won’t do anything,

it’s a trap.

Sometimes it backfires, because a lot

of women play these games with sex.

And ladies like sex just as much as we

Waiting is a normal thing in a relationship that you think may go somewhere. Men shouldn’t be so eager to have sex on the first date anyways.

do, guys, but they act like they don’t.

But they do.

There’s not a woman…

There’s not a woman in this room

that wouldn’t rather be somewhere

else with a nice stiff one in them.

(crowd laughs)

Don’t you let them fool you.

They like it just as much as us.

See, ladies sitting there going:

“That’s true.

“He’s funny, but he’s not that funny.

“I’ll take a dick over a smile any day.

Yes, I will.”

They like it just as much as us,

but they play these games.

(pacing the stage)

Know where it backfires

on you, ladies?

When you go meet a guy,

he wants you, you want him,

you like each other,

everything is perfect,

but you won’t do anything.

He say, “Let’s go.”

You say, “No, I’m not gonna do it.”

And after that,

he don’t like you no more.

But he still wants to fuck you.

This representation of men being cruel just because a woman won’t have sex with them is over exaggerated. Waiting to have sex is normal in many relationships. Murphy has just yet to have a serioius relationship where he has had to experience it.

So he waits.

He be like, “Okay, I’ll wait.

“Goodnight.”

And you wait.

You wait three months.

Then you finally get it

and she’s like this, “I’m yours.”

And you go, “FUCK YOU, BITCH!”

“Fuck you and your pussy.

Get the fuck out of my face.”

Be careful. Don’t get trapped.

The most common trap

is to not give you any.

Let me hear the men clap

that are with women

that you’ve never slept with before.

Let me hear you clap, truthfully.

(very few clap)

Look at the ladies going,

“Stop clapping.”

Shame on you. You should’ve

fucked them. Clap. Clap louder.

Shame on you.

Y’all should’ve fucked them.

These men like you

and you just won’t do it,

because you’re trying to trap…

Guys, don’t be hurt. She likes you.

This is what is going on inside

your house every night.

“Baby, come on, now, please.”

She go, “No, stop it. Stop it. Stop.”

“Baby, come on. Would you stop?”

“Oh, stop. Can we please stop?

“Are we gonna go too far?”

“I want it to go too far.

Come on now, baby.”

“We could… Stop.

I just don’t think the time is right.”

(blank face, WHAT?)

“Well, my dick don’t get

much harder than this.

“I been waiting three months.

Snapple Fact #727- A spider’s silk is stronger than steel.

What’s the problem?”

“I don’t wanna fuck.

Here I will give it to Eddie Murphy, if a woman is looking for something in the long term, don’t start something you know isn’t going to last.

I wanna make love.

“I’ve had too many relationships that

didn’t work out. You’re special to me.

“I know all the girls do everything

that you want.

“And I don’t wanna go through…

Why are you doing this…?”

And men see those tears

and we be, “OK. (disappointed mans voice)

“We don’t have to do nothing.”

Then you go out and your friends be,

“Yo, man, you fuck her yet?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“She’s special.

“She said she don’t wanna fuck,

Here I agree with Murphy. What is the difference between the two? They physical acts are the same, and you fuck someone you are in love with, and you aren’t making love to just anyone. -Sorry about my language.

she wanna make love.”

Which is bullshit. I mean, fucking

and making love, let’s be real.

I mean, the physical act…

I like to fuck somebody I’m in love with.

But I ain’t making love to nobody.

I get into bed…

I get into bed…

(Murphy laughs)

I get into bed…

When you get into bed, would you

rather have somebody say:

“Oh, make love to me”

or grab the back of your head and say,

“Fuck the shit out of me. (in a dirty voice)

“You motherfucker.

“Just fuck, mother…

Fuck me, goddamn it.”

You want somebody

in the bed with you:

“Oh, darling, I want to make

love to you.” That type of shit.

“You a motherfucker…”

I’m a realist. But they’ll tell you, “I don’t

wanna fuck, I wanna make love.”

And they make you wait. And you wait

and wait and wait and wait.

And you just keep on waiting, you just

wait and finally she gives you some.

And it’s the best

you ever had in your life.

You come harder

than you’ve ever came.

“This was it. This was the feeling I’ve

been searching for. I finally made love.”

You didn’t make love.

It just felt real good. You know why?

Because you waited

five months for it.

If you’re starving and somebody

throw you a cracker,

you gonna be like this:

“Goddamn, that’s the best cracker

I ever ate in my life!

“That ain’t no regular cracker, was it?

What was that, a Saltine?

“Goddamn, that was delicious.

“That wasn’t no Saltine. That was…

That was a Ritz. That wasn’t a Ritz?

“God, that was the best cracker

I ever ate in my life. (licks his fingers)

“Can I have another one, please?

Please, one more.”

Then you get married, because

you think you’ve found the bomb.

Snapple Fact #838- Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them.

Have the same crackers

every day for a year.

And you roll over one day

and be like:

“Hey, I just got some

regular old crackers.”

Try to leave? Half!

So be careful. Marry someone

that’s not gonna fool around on you.

Which would be hard

to do in the 80’s,

because everybody’s

fucking each other nowadays.

It’s like Fuckfest 87.

Everybody… Everybody is fucking

and it really… It’s getting bad.

Let me hear the women clap that

are loyal to their men, truthfully.

Let me hear you clap.

OK, now, let me hear… Let me hear

the women clap that have men

that are loyal to them, truthfully.

(women clap)

Yeah, I see. Y’all some disillusioned

Murphy’s thought that men are not truthfull to their women is incorrect. yes affairs happen, but over all people in serious relationships are monogamous to each other.

ladies clapping right now.

Let me hear the men clap.

Let me hear the men clap

that are loyal to their women.

Stop. You lying motherfuckers, stop.

Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass.

Fuck, there ain’t no such thing as

a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers.

Stop it. Yeah, the only reason you’re

clapping is because your woman’s

sitting next to you right now

when I asked you.

When I asked the question,

she looked at you like this: (wide eyes, starring)

“You gonna put your hands together?

“You better stomp your feet and light

a match for this pussy, goddamn it.

“Stand up and clap.

Stand your ass up and clap.”

“She’s number one!”

Get the fuck out.No such thing as a loyal man.

I tend to disagree. There are many loyal men in our world. I believe Murphy says this because there are no loyal men when it comes to men like him, or he doesn’t know any loyal men because he hangs out with a different crowd.

Ladies, do not be fooled. I know

some men have some strong raps

and they’ll have you believing it.

No loyal men.

All men fuck other women.

We are low by nature

and have to do it.

We are men.

All men do it.

We have to do it.

We are men. It is a man thing.

Men must find and conquer

as much pussy as they can get.

Do not think for two seconds that you

are the only one your man is fucking.

He is a man

and has to conquer women.

I see a lot of you good women

sitting out there going:

“Not my man.” (pops his hand on his hip)

Yes, your man too.

Your man too.

If he’s not here with you tonight,

he fucking somebody.

Because he is a man.

It has nothing to do with you.

You can have the best pussy

in the world.

There can be a cape hanging

out your pussy with a big S on it.

Your man’s still gonna go fuck

somebody else, because he is a man.

It is a dick thing.

Do not try to understand it

You have to have a dick

to understand this. We are men.

I know a lot of guys sitting out there

right now like this too:

“Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man!

“I ain’t spent all my money

for this, motherfucker

You gonna be driving home tonight

with your wife in the car like this:

“You don’t really be fooling around like

Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?”

(pretending to drive. Wide fake smile)

“No, baby. That’s just jokes.

“That Ed sure is funny, ain’t he?

“Why don’t we change the subject

Let’s talk about something different.

“I don’t wanna talk about this stuff.”

“I do wanna talk about this stuff.

“Why does he have to lie to me?

I think he was telling the truth.

“If you fooled around, I would be so

hurt and disgusted, I would wait

“until you went to sleep, I would come

inside the room and kill you.”

- Thanks, Eddie!

- We love you!

“Yeah, that Ed sure is funny.

“I ain’t got to worry.

As much as I love you,

“I wouldn’t fool around.

Let’s talk about the Richard Pryor.”

“I don’t wanna talk about

the Richard Pryor.

“I wanna talk about this,

because if you fooled around,

“I would be so hurt,

you know what I would do?”

“What would you do, baby,

take half?”

“No, I’d wait till you went to sleep

Most of the time you get this threat because you did something wrong, so if you don’t want the threat, don’t do anything wrong.

“and I’d come inside the room

and cut your dick off.” (serious face)

“Don’t be talking about

cutting off my dick.”

“Well, you don’t be putting your dick

in nobody else, then.”

“Well, I don’t play that shit. You cut off

my dick, you better run, goddamn it.

“Stop making them dick threats.” (points his finger)

The woman’s favorite…

Y’all always make…

The woman’s favorite threat is,

“I’ll do something to your dick.”

“If a man do this, I kick him in his nuts.

A man put his hands…

“Don’t you put your hands on me,

I’m gonna kick you where it hurts.”

Dick threats. Y’all don’t realize

how sensitive nuts are, do you?

Men don’t like to hear a threat like that.

Snapple Fact #745- Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

You hear somebody:

“I’ll kick you in the nuts.”

It make you wince, be like: (makes a wince face)

“Change the subject, please.”

You don’t have to kick

no nuts to hurt nobody.

You could just graze nuts.

And the man would be fucked up.

And that pain is worse, because

it don’t set in for, like, ten seconds.

You be wondering if it’s gonna hurt.

You say, “I wonder,

did that hit my nuts, just…?”

There’s no getting around it.

“I’ll kick you in your nuts.”

You don’t have to kick.

You could just graze it.

Y’all do that… You ever have

a woman play-fight with you?

Your man get serious

when they threaten your dick.

You be, “Hey, baby, come on.”

And she go: (pretends to kick)

You say, “Hey, hey, hey.

“I think playtime is over.

“Getting a little crazy.” That’s why men

don’t like to handle babies.

Them little babies with them

high-top white shoes on

with the real hard bottoms.

When they about years old,

you pick them up

and their leg muscles be strong

and they stomp you

in the nuts with both feet.

And both of y’all be dribbling.

You be like: (pretends to cry)

And their mother think

you talking baby talk.

“Oh, that’s so cute,

the way they talking.”

“Yeah, go to your mother, please.”

“What’s the matter, he stink?”

“No, I’m about to throw

this motherfucker someplace.

“Get a little older, I’m gonna kick

you in your nuts, see how you like it.”

“I kick him in his nuts.” Always talking

about kicking somebody in the nuts.

You know what, ladies?

I had a woman ask me the other day:

“You know why I say my thing?

I wanna know why all men fool around.

“Why, why, why? I do everything

my man wants me to do

“and he still fools around. Why?

I cook, I clean, I fuck.

“I come and go as he say

Why, why, why?”

Then you call up your girlfriends

and go, “Why?”

She go, “I don’t know.

My man ain’t home.” “Why?”

Then you call up your mother

and say, “Mama, why?”

She go, “I don’t know, your father

ain’t home.” “Why? Why?”

I’ll tell you why all men fool around.

- Why?

- Hear the ladies go, “Why?”

Men fool around because of this.

Look at all the women in the audience

right now looking up here like this:

We fool around because

we figured women out.

Men will never figure women out

We did.

See, a lot of you ladies going:

“What does he mean,

he figured us out?”

And dumb niggas going, “Yeah, what

does he mean, we figured them out?”

We figured you out in this sense,

and this is true.

Anybody’s ever done this

will agree with what I’m saying.

Any woman that’s ever had this done

to her will agree what I’m gonna say.

Those of you who’ve never

done this will go, “I disagree.”

But once you make

a woman come real hard,

once you make a woman say: oooooooooo!!!!!!!

No matter how bad you fuck up,

no matter what you do wrong,

no matter what you say, no matter

what you do, as long as you say:

“I’m sorry,” she will listen to your story.

And that’s the truth!

That’s the God’s honest truth.

It is the truth. Stop it. It’s the truth.

It is the truth. And, ladies, as soon

Snapple Fact #935- Newborn babies cannot cry tears for at least three weeks.

as y’all make that noise,

your relationship will change

with your man. Because we know.

We wait on that noise.

We waiting on it.

Because we know we can act different

as soon as you go: oooooooohoooooooh!

We know we can act the fool then.

Remember when your man

couldn’t make it, he would call?

No more of that shit. He heard you go:

Remember he wanted to spend all his

free time with you? No more of that.

You made that noise.

Your man can act crazy.

We know as soon as you go: ooooooooh

Our face is in the pillow like this,

“I got this motherfucker now, boy.”

Then you start talking to her: ooooooooh

“Whose pussy is this?

Whose pussy is this?”

“Oh, it’s your pussy!

It’s your pussy!”

And your relationship changes

from that moment.

The woman be sitting on the bed,

legs shaking: ooooooooooh

“Oh, my god.

Oh, I can’t believe it.

“I never came like that before.

I can’t believe it.”

And their man get real cold,

saying shit like:

“Why don’t you shake your ass home.”

“What are you talking about?

Why are you treating me like this?

“We have a relationship.”

“You don’t own me.”

“What do you mean?

We have a relationship.

“I thought that we go together.”

“I don’t see no rings on your finger.”

This line is mentioned from both the female and male perspective. Both portraying the same thing, there isn’t a signed contract so he/she can do whatever they want. Relationships in real life are like that though. Most of the time the partners are committed to each other.

“But I love you!”

“Well, what have you

done for me lately?”

And y’all put up with it.

Y’all start putting up

with all kinds of crazy shit.

I guess it’s hard to find

somebody that knows

how to do it to you right,

because when y’all find one,

y’all stick through that man

through all kinds of bullshit.

I know a man got busted coming

out of another woman’s house.

Show you how far a woman will stoop.

He got busted coming out

of another woman’s house.

His woman saw him come out,

knew that the woman lived there

and didn’t say shit.

Wait till they got home and said:

Never wait till you get home!!!

“What the hell was you doing

in that bitch’s house?”

You know what the man said?

“Wasn’t me.”

“I looked right in your face!”

“Wasn’t me.” (nonchalantly)

“Well, I’m supposed

to be a fool, right?”

“Hey.

“Wasn’t me.”

You know what the woman said?

Snapple Fact #692- The spotted skunk does a handstand to warn off its enemies before it sprays its stentch.

“Maybe it wasn’t chu.”

I got a friend got busted

in his house, in his bed,

where him and his wife sleep,

with another woman, fucking!

His wife walked inside the house,

opened up the bedroom door,

saw her man in her bed

with another woman, fucking.

She walks in: aaaaaahhhhh!!!

The man jumped up,

saw his woman standing there.

She ran down the hallway. Chased his

woman down the hallway butt naked

with a rock-hard dick,

talking about, “I’m sorry.”

This sound like a tragedy, right?

No, it was like this:

“Baby, wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

“Baby, look. Whoa, hold on.

Wait, we got to talk.

“Baby, I am sorry.”

“No, you’re not sorry.

“I can’t believe you did this.

You have no respect for me.

“Get the fuck…

Don’t you fucking touch me.”

“Wait, baby, I am sorry.

Wait a second.”

“No, if you’re sorry,

you wouldn’t have fucked her!”

And then you change

the shit around. Right, guys?

“OK, wait a minute! (yelling)

“Wait one second, goddamn it!

“Yes, I fucked her, yes.

“Is that what you want me to say?

I fucked her? I fucked her.

“We fucked, all right?

You happy now? We fucked!

“Now, let’s talk about the word ‘fuck’

for a minute.

“Because that’s a very important

word here. Fuck, yes, we did.

“Fuck. I fucked her.

I know earlier I mentioned there being a difference between the two words. Here though, there is no difference. Cheating is cheating. Doesn’t matter if you just physical cheated. YOU CHEATED!!!

“I make love to you.

“And if you gonna let a fuck

come between our love,

“there’s something really wrong

happening here, baby.”

Bullshit. Ooooooooohhh (making the sound women make when having sex/orgasming)

That’s the only reason

why it works.

Now, guys, I see a lot of y’all

feeling real macho,

because you may have heard

your woman make that noise

and you think you are

in control of your shit.

But I told you a half-hour ago,

women are vindictive.

Don’t you think for two seconds that if

you keep breaking this woman’s heart,

your sweet, innocent, little,

sweet, loving, darling woman,

she eventually will go out

and fuck someone else.

Don’t think she won’t.

Don’t think she won’t.

Look, all the men’s faces,

they’re like this now: (go from smile to what?)

And men don’t like to picture

their woman fucking nobody.

That’s taboo. Watch the guy’s faces.

Ladies, look at them.

Guys, picture your woman

fucking your best friend.

Look at them, they’re:

Hey, your woman is like this: hmm (puts pointer finger on face thinking)

I gotta tell you, be careful.

And women ain’t like uS

It’s not their nature to fool around.

Like, we’ll go out

and sneak out to the hotel

and have to wash your dick

in the sink and all that shit.

Women gonna do it classy.

They don’t fuck around like us.

It’s like, “Hey, I don’t do this often,

I’m gonna do it right.”

Know when your woman’s

gonna fool around?

You keep messing her over,

eventually she says shit like this:

“You know, I think I’m gonna go to the

Bahamas by myself for the weekend.”

And you say,

“You want me to go with you?”

She goes, “No, just me

and my girlfriends are going.

“Just me and my friends.”

And we so stupid,

we start thinking about all the pussy

we can get while she gone.

“You gonna go by yourself?”

“Yes.”

“OK.”

And send your woman off

to the romantic Bahamas by herself?

By herself to the Bahamas?

She’s walking on the beach,

she laid out all day and got a tan,

your woman is fine

and got her body looking right,

she’s walking on the beach,

crying, in the Bahamas

Lovers on the beach making love.

She’s all by herself, walking along,

feeling sad, thinking about you

and everybody’s real romantic.

The motion of the ocean

is shimmying off…

The moon is shimmying off the ocean.

Your woman’s standing,

looking at it and crying.

And all of a sudden,

a dude named Dexter walks up.

Dexter St. Jock.

He walk up swinging his dick. (swings microphone like it is his dick)

Snapple Fact #347- French author Micael Thayer published a 233 page novel which has no verbs.

Then he do that smooth

Bahamas shit on your woman.

“What a beautiful girl like you doing

by herself on the island of love?

“This is the island for lovers.

“You should be being held

right now, girl.

“What you crying about?”

“I’m having some problems

with my boyfriend,

“so I came down here

to think it over.”

“Tell me what hotel

your man’s staying.

“I tell him that you treat

a woman like you like a princess.

“If you were my woman,

I make love to you constantly.

“What hotel this man staying in?”

“Well, he’s back in New York.” (crying)

“Is that right? (swings microphone)

“Well, listen, girl. Won’t you

come back around my place?

“We sit down and talk it over.”

“All we gonna do is talk?”

(smiles in agree and swings microphone)

He take your woman to his house

and roll one of them

big-ass Bahama joints.

Shit this big and shit. Put some

of that Bob Marley music on.

And y’all know Bob

be preaching this shit: (singing)

Don’t let him fool you

Oh, no

Or even try to school you

Oh, yeah

Could this be love?

And be loved

Dick swinging.

Next thing you know,

Dexter is fucking your woman.

Well.

Send your woman home

floating on air.

Walk through the door like this:

I shot the sheriff

We so stupid, we think it

was the weather. We be going:

“Hey, baby, you need

to get away more often.”

And she be like this: ahhhuh (nods)

And never tell you.

It’s her little secret.

All women have

a skeleton in the closet.

All women have done

something that only them

and another person knows about.

Snapple Fact #986- In Switzerland, it is illegal to own only one guinea pig because they are prone to loneliness.

All women have one skeleton.

Even the little, sweet, innocent ones

have something that only them

and another person knows about.

All women.

Don’t be… Look at the guys,

looking at their women again like this: (what face)

“You got skeletons in your closet?

“I thought I seen a bone in your shoe.

Whose skeleton was that?”

Don’t be fooled. They all have

a skeleton in their closet.

Some of them got cemeteries

Everyone has some kind of skeleton. Murphy probably has a lot of his own.

in their closet and shit. (murphy laughs)

You open the door and ravens

and shit fly out of the closet.

So be careful. Be careful.

Get somebody you gonna be

with forever.

Find somebody perfect for you.

I’m not saying they’re perfect people.

I’m saying we ain’t perfect.

Find somebody just as fucked up

As crazy as this sounds, I believe it to be so true. You don’t want someone totally different, you want someone relatable.

as you are and settle down.

That’s what you gotta do.

If I ever get married, I got to marry

somebody with personality.

For instance, I hate those quiet,

salad-eating bitches,

those real quiet ones, you know.

The kind of women, you take

them out to dinner, you say:

“Hey, what you wanna eat?”

They go, “I’ll just have a salad.”

And you hear their stomach going: (makes stomach noise)

“I don’t know why my stomach

is making that noise.”

“Because you’re hungry, bitch.”

“Why don’t you have

something to eat?”

“No, no, no. I’m fine, I’m fine.

I’ll just have a salad.”

“What you want to drink?”

“Water.”

“What movie you wanna see

after you finish eating?”

“Whatever you wanna see

is OK with me.

“As long as it’s a PG.

I hate scary movies.”

“This is my friend Bob and Karen.”

“Hi.”

“What’s your problem?”

“I’m just a little shy.”

Get your shy ass away from me. (kicks her away)

I hate those shy bitches.

They make me sick to my mother…

I hate shy…

You know, those shy women,

those are usually the ones that have

the most skeletons in their closet.

That’s why they shy now.

Because they been raising hell

all their life, now they shy.

Think about it.

All them shy women that you meet,

they never from the town

you meet them in.

They always from somewhere else.

Then they come to your town

and get shy.

Get the fuck out of here.

They afraid to talk,

because they think a bone

is gonna fly out their mouth

or some shit.

“Hi. (makes a noise as if something fell)

“So many skeletons.”

I hate shy women. I like extroverts,

I like women with a sense of humor.

I like funny girls, funny women.

But you gotta be good-looking too.

I don’t wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch

and shit. I’d have me in the bed going:

“Hey, baby, can you tell me

some more jokes, please?” (thrust forward)

Gotta be a good cook.

I didn’t realize my mother was

a good cook till after I moved out.

When you’re a child, if your mother

doesn’t take you to McDonald’s,

Snapple Fact #909- In Texas, it is illegal to graffiti someone’s cow.

you don’t think she can cook.

I had one of those mothers,

no matter what you want,

she has the ingredients at home.

You say, “Ma, I wanna stop

and get some McDonald’s.” (baby voice)

McDonalds is one of the most unhealthy fast food resraunts in American. Its good that his mohter didn’t feed it to him.

And she go,

“I got hamburger meat at home.”

“But I want McDonald’s hamburger.”

“I’ll make you a hamburger

better than McDonald’s.”

“You cook better than McDonald’s?”

“That’s right.

You can help Mama make it.”

You say, “Shit, that’s better

than McDonald’s.”

Your mother say,

“OK, go get me the big frying pan.

So you hand her the frying pan

and she say:

“I want you to go in the refrigerator

and get the meat

and while you in there, get me a green

pepper and a onion.” And you say:

“Ain’t no green peppers

at McDonald’s.”

“I’m not making McDonald’s,

I’m making Mama’s burger.

“I need a green pepper and an onion

and get me an egg out too.”

“What you need eggs for?

“I want hamburgers.

“You making Egg McMuffins.”

(crowd laughs)

“I’m not making an Egg McMuffin.

I don’t know what no Egg McMuffin is.

Just get me the egg

and shut your mouth.”

She take the egg and

the green peppers

and chop the peppers up

in big chunks.

Don’t even dice it. Big chunks

of green peppers and onion

and mix the egg in and put

paprika and all this shit in it

and make a big meatball and put it

in the middle of this frying pan.

At McDonald’s, the meat is this thin.

Your mother’s shit is like this or fatter. (shows size)

Green peppers hanging

out of it and shit.

And there’s a big split in the middle

and grease is popping out.

You’re looking at it while it’s popping.

You’re looking at the grease

in the pan and thinking:

“That don’t look like no McDonald’s.”

Then your mother say, “Go inside

the refrigerator and get me the bread

out of the bread box.” And you go

look in the bread box and you say:

“Ma, we don’t have

no hamburger buns. (pretends to look)

“All we have is Wonder Bread.”

“That’s what I said. Get the bread

out of the bread box.”

“You gonna put it

on square Wonder Bread?”(baby voice)

“Bread is bread. Bring me

that bread before I slap you.

“Don’t tell me about Wonder Bread.

“As much as that bread costs,

don’t tell me about Wonder Bread.

“This is Wonder Bread.

A hamburger is a hamburger.”

And she’d make it and put it in

the middle of square Wonder Bread.

At McDonald’s, they use buns,

the meat covers the whole bread.

At your mother’s, the meat’s right

in the middle of the bread,

with grease running

through the middle,

making the bread stick

to the plate.

This big green pepper

is hanging out the top

of this big meatball on the bread.

And you try to put some ketchup on it

and it mixes with the grease,

turn the bread into pink dough.

Then you grab it

and get fingerprinted

and you got big, pink fingerprints

in the dough.

You stand there looking at it and you

try to make it look like McDonald’s,

so you rip the edges off around it,

make it round.

And you got green peppers and

grease running down your hand.

And your mother say,

“Now, go on outside and play.”

And the other kids got McDonald’s.

They outside going,

“We got McDonald’s hamburgers.

“McDonald’s. McDonald’s. (acts like a child rubbing it in your face)

“I got McDonald’s.”

And you standing there

with this big “house burger”.

And kids are honest.

They say, “Where you get that

big, welfare, green-pepper burger?”

And you cry. (crys)

“My mother made it.”

And long slob…

When little kids cry,

some long slob come

out of their mouth

and it hangs this far to the ground.

And it won’t break.

And adults stand around going,

“That slob gonna break?”

And it won’t.

The wind can blow that slob:

You know where you see kids crying?

I do it all the time, I’m sadistic.

I like to go to supermarkets

and watch mothers lose it

and beat the shit out of their kids.

(crowd laugh)

Party at the Loft!

I was at the Loft. You know why

I ain’t dancing at the Loft?

I had just got over some shit.

I go to parties…

I went to a white disco recently

and I watched the white people dance.

Y’all… Y’all can’t dance.

No, it’s not… I’m not being racist.

I mean, I mean…

It’s like saying black people

have thick lips.

That’s not racist.

It’s true. We have thick lips

and white people can’t dance.

And y’all be trying.

Y’all be really…

Do y’all listen to the words

or the beat?

Because y’all be… I really…

I tell you, every time you see a black…

When you go to a white club, you see

five or six brothers just standing.

You ask, “Why are those

niggers in here?”

They watching y’all dance.

“Look at these crazy motherfuckers.”

Y’all got one dance y’all can do.

Y’all can do this shit, like this: (dances with a big smile, snapping his fingers)

But y’all don’t do no moves,

it’s just this:

Y’all do some shit like this,

you be fucked up. You’d be:

“Oh, shit…”

And white people, y’all step

on each other’s feet.

Brothers, we go to the disco,

get all fucked up,

you’re stepping and hitting and…

Brothers got some dance.

They be doing this with their heads.

Some shit like that.

If the white people do that,

they’ll kill each other. They be like: (gun noise)

“Sorry.”

“Let’s stick with this.”

I was in the club, man.

I stopped going…

I ain’t dancing at the Loft

because I had a fight recently

and I said I ain’t dancing.

I went to clubs…

People get drunk, go to clubs

and start fighting.

I had a fight with an Italian dude

right around the time

Rocky came out.

Italians… White people, period, y’all

go crazy after y’all see a Rocky movie

Rocky is a movie about a sports boxer.

because y’all believe that shit.

Because the movies are

so emotional and so real,

you sit there and go like,

“Hey, this is real.” (white man’s voice)

And Stallone have y’all white

people pumped, especially Italians.

After Italians see Rocky, they come

out the movie theater, they be like…

Italians are funny people, because

they act like niggas. It’s funny.

They do. They hold

their dick more than us.

They be standing around,

“Get the fuck out of here.” (Italian accent while hold his dick)

“It’s right here, all right?

What? Hey, fuck you, all right?”

Everything is a question too.

“Hey, what am I, an asshole?

“What am I, a fucking jerk?

Get the fuck out of heeere.

“It’s right here, all right?”

(walks with swag across the stage)

After they see Rocky, they come out

of the theater charged.

They be like,

“All right, Rock-O!

“All right, Sly!”

“All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!”

Go up to the people

standing on line and shit.

“Hey, paisan, you going in to see

Rocky right now?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s a great fucking movie.

“It’s great.

“You gonna like this.

When Sly comes out,

“he breaks this big

fucking nigger’s face.

“He busts it fucking wide open.

“Fucking melanzane laying

on the floor, fucked up.

“It’s fucking great. I fucking

love it, man. All right, Rock-O!

“At the end of this picture, now,

just between you and I,

“I don’t wanna ruin the surprise,

but Sly wins this one again.”

“You know what I like

about Stallone’s movies?

“The realism. Because that’s the way

you gotta treat those fucking moolies.

“They think they can fucking push you

around, ‘Oh, you big hotshot,’

“get the fuck out of heeeere.

“Get the fuck out of my face

with that shit.

“That’s what I like about Sly.

He goes in

“and the moolies are beating him

and he don’t fucking go down,

“he comes in and he cracks

the fucking moolie’s hole like this.

“He falls on the ground. You know,

you can really fucking do that.

“You see that fucking big melanzane

standing over there?

“See that black guy over there

at the line getting candy?”

“Yeah.” “All right. Now,

he’s about 6'5". I’m 5'2".

“I ain’t no big guy, all right?

“But I’m Italian. Watch this.

You watch this, all right?

“Hey, excuse me, brother.

(fixes himself)

“Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits

“and let me have some Bon Bons.

“I think I’ll have some

Bon Bons there.

“And let me have some

Junior Mints.

“And give me another box

of Juji Fruits. (continues to fix himself)

“And the nigger’s gonna pay for it.”

“Excuse me?” (bends down as the taller gentleman)

“You heard what I said, moolie.

Pay for my fucking candy…

“…or I’ll kick your ass.”

“Oh, you just saw Rocky.

“Look, little Italian white man. (bent down, talking down to him)

“I enjoy Sylvester Stallone’s

movies too.

“But I’m waiting to get some candy

and I'm gonna go see a movie.

"Why don't you just go hop in your

IROC Z- and take your ass home."

"I'll kick your fucking ass."

Then they hear that Rocky music.

Hour later: (siren noise)

"He's not gonna make it.

"The big nigger named Abdullah's

hand wrapped around his throat.

"And a box of Juji Fruits rammed

up his ass. He's not gonna make it.

(crowd laughs)

"He's fucked up."

That's who I had a fight with.

An Italian.

Those are the worst white people to

fight, especially around Rocky time.

Because I was in a discotheque talking

to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever.

Don't ask me why.

We were there kicking it

and this Italian dude

was there with his girlfriend

and she is looking at me or Deney.

Italians don't play that shit.

You hear the shit they say

to their girlfriends? "What the fuck

you looking over there for? (fixes himself)

"Don't tell me you're not looking.

I just saw you.

"You been looking over there

all fucking night.

"You look over there again

and I'm gonna pick up a glass

"and shove it in your fucking mouth.

Don't look over there. No, you shut up.

"You're making me look

like an asshole.

"Don't you ever disrespect me. (wags his finger)

Don't you ever.

"Hey, shut up. Don't you ever...

I'll fucking kick your ass inside here.

"What are you looking at a fucking

dancer and a melanzane for?

"You know I'll kick his moolie ass."

He pushed me.

Black people from New York have

this trick we use on white people.

It works.

Even if you can't fight,

you have to act like you can fight,

because that gets you out

of a lot of fights.

It works.

If you have some problem...

Walk up to a white dude and

step on his foot. And he says:

"Hey, you got a problem?" You go,

"Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!"

“I just lost my motherfucking job (eyes get wide, looks crazy, angry)

“to a white man, look just like you!

“So I say I’m gonna step on some feet

till I feel I’ve redeemed myself.

“You got a problem?”

And white guys will go,

“Hey, I didn’t know about your job.”

They leave and brother

be standing there like this:

“That was close. (wipes his brow)

“I almost got fucked up.”

This again represents Murphy discussing cultural topics of the 80s.

So I know you gotta act

like you can fight.

First, you make your voice

go up an octave

and act real confused.

And mumble:

“What the fuck this

motherfucker trying…?

“Yo, you don’t put your

motherfucking hand, no…

“Mind your motherfucking business.

I’ll bust your motherfucking ass.

“Don’t you never put your hands…

Shut the fuck up.

“What the fuck is wrong

with you, man?

“You know I’ll bust you…

Get the fuck off me.

“I’ll bust your motherfucking ass too.

Mind your motherfucking business.

“You want some, motherfucker?

You want some?

“Then make a move, then.

Make a move.

“Yeah, you better walk away, mother…

I’ll bust your pussy ass too.

“You never put your

motherfucking hands on me.

“What the fuck is your problem?

What’s your problem, huh?

“You got a problem?

Well, I’m gonna settle your problem.

“I’m gonna settle your problem,

motherfucker!”

And the dude did like this,

“Come on!”

I was stuck.

I was standing there like this now. (fist in air)

Dude said, “Come on,

that’s the way I like it.”

I didn’t know what to do, because

I could act like I could fight good.

I’m an actor, I ain’t no fighter.

You put me in a movie where

I’m the star, I’ll kick your ass.

This is real shit.

He’s going, “Come on.” (inviting him in with his hands)

I was frozen, man.

I was standing there,

my ego jumped out

of my body and said,

“Punch him in the face, Ed.”

I said, “I ain’t punching nobody.”

My ego said,

“Well, give me your hand.”

Clocked that boy in his eye.

Boy fell on the deck holding his eye,

he was all fucked up.

I looked at my ego, I said:

“What the fuck you do that for?”

Ego said, “Because you’ve got

an image to uphold.

This is the problem. Men think they can just fight and make things better. That’s not how you do things.

“You kicked the dude’s ass.

Relax.”

The dude was laying there,

holding his eye.

My ego said, “Now talk some shit

so people know not to mess with you.”

And I was like, (eyes get wide, not knowing what to say) “Yeah.

“I’m tired of people messing with me.”

“Now tell them if somebody else move,

you gonna kick their ass.”

“If somebody else move,

“I’m gonna kick their ass?”

“Do some rhyme with your name.

That always scares white people.”

“Because I’m Ed

“and if you mess with Ed,

you be dead.”

“That’s all right. Just worry about…

Shit, you doing fine.

“You just relax, don’t worry.

Just be cool.

“Ain’t nobody gonna move after

they seen you kick this dude’s ass.

“Just relax and cool out.”

I start cooling out. My ego said:

“Every now and then you

gotta whip somebody’s ass,

“let them know where you stand.”

I said, “Yeah, yeah, YEAH!”

I ain’t see this dude’s brother

standing behind me.

And he has seen Rocky too.

And he swung around my back

and punched me in the mouth…

Because the punch said: (punch noise)

And my ego said, “What was that?!”

I said, “I don’t know.”

And my lip said, “Hey, fellas!” (lip expands, makes noise like throbbing)

So I’m standing there

with my lips hanging down,

looking like J.J. From

Good Times and shit.

And I ain’t know what to do,

so I scream for security.

I said, “Security!”

And that’s when one of my boys

jumped over the table

like Linc Hayes from

the Mod Squad

and grabbed that boy

and started going: POP POP POP POP

Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up

and starts fucking this boy up

and his brother woke up, jump on top

of my boy and started kicking his ass.

Then somebody says,

“Fight in the back!”

And all the people,

the bouncers, came

and saw two niggers

fighting two white guys.

They jump on the niggers.

“You niggers have to learn

“to stop fucking up our club.

Didn’t we let you in here, nigger?

“We saw you laughing while

we were dancing. We saw you.”

Then all the brothers saw 40 white

And I picture this is going on,

my pops is home like this, drunk:

“This is my house!

“It’s my house

and I don’t give a fuck!

“You know something?

Hey, I’m drunk, Lil.

“Lil? I’m drunk.

And you know something?

“It’s beautiful. (kisses his fingers)

“It’s beautiful, Lil. In my heart

and my soul, I’m drunk.

“You know something, fuck it.

“Because if I wanna drink

something in my house, fine.

“You don’t like it, (kisses his ass)

get the fuck out of my house.

“I pay the bills for this motherfucker.

I wanna drink something, I drink.

“Hey, Lil, you gonna

answer this telephone?

“Do you hear the phone ringing?

“Lil! (makes phone noise)

“That’s the phone, motherfucker.

That’s not me.

“No, I’m not answering shit.

“I pay the bills.

I’m gonna answer the phone too?

“Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell

up in this motherfucker?

“You better answer this telephone.

“Lil, answer the phone.

Goddamn it, look…

“Shit, I’m watching the fights, Lil.

“Are you…?

You’re not gonna answer it?

Snapple Fact #934- Babies are born with about 300 separate bones, but adults have 206.

“OK. Fine.

Don’t touch the phone no more, Lil.

“Since you can’t get up off your ass

and answer the phone,

“you can’t touch the phone.

Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian.

“No more phone for you.

Your phone privileges are cut off.

“I’m gonna write that down

and put it on the fridge.

“That’s the new rules in the house.

“I’m gonna take the old rules off

and put new rules up.

“You gonna listen to me

when I tell you to do something.

“We gonna put new rules up.

We gonna put rules up. Rules up. (pretends to write and post rules)

“Rules. Rules.

“One, ‘Lillian cannot use the phone.’

“Two, ‘Lillian cannot… ‘

“Since you’re such a smart

motherfucker,

“you can’t go outside anymore either.

“Cannot go outside ever again.

“Now, put the rules up, Lillian.

“You abide by my rules and my regulations, goddamn it.

“And the rules say

‘No phone and no outside.’

“And I don’t give a fuck if the

motherfucking house is burning down.

“If I come home and a fireman

putting the house out, I say:

‘How you find out the house

was burning? ‘

‘We got a call from your wife,’

I kick your motherfucking ass.

“You’re in this house to stay!

You’ll burn up in this motherfucker.

“No, Lillian, where you going? Didn’t

I just say you couldn’t go no place?

“How the hell you gonna

go somewhere…?

“You’re not going to Shirley’s house

to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno.

“Take your coat off. No, you can’t

go no place because I said so.

“The rules say ‘no outside.’ I know you

wanna leave, that’s why you can’t go.

“You better call and tell her

you’re not coming. Woa woa woa

“You can’t use my phone.

“I don’t know.

You better lift up the window

“and scream your

motherfucking head off.

“But you’re not… I don’t give…

“You’re not going no place.

You’re not going no place.

“Because I know you wanna leave.

That’s why. I know you wanna leave.

“I know you wanna leave.”

I got one of those fathers

who gets drunk and sings

old Motown songs to you

in his argument,

fucks up the lyrics

and thinks he’s saying it right.

“I know you wanna leave me (singing)

“But I refuse to let you go, Lillian”

Then he fuck up,

think he’s saying it right.

“If I have to beg and plead

Do the symphony

“I don’t mind because it means

That much to me!

“You’re not going no place.

“You be right here in this

motherfucker, Lil.

“Watching the ships roll in

“Then you watch them

Roll away agaaiin

“Lillian

“Because I put the rules up.

Like Diana Ross say, (singing)

“It’s my house

I live here

“And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian:

En my casa, I… Yo vivo aqui

“This is my house!

I don’t give a fuck! (still in character as his drunk dad)

“Do you hear this phone? I’m gonna

answer, because I know it’s Shirley.

“And you not supposed to let

a phone ring for a half-hour.

“You let it ring two or three times

and hang it up.

“That’s a lonely bitch at the end

of that line. I’m gonna tell her.

“Hello? Shirley? Bitch, if you ever

let my phone ring like this again…

“Shir…? What’s wrong…?

Hey, what’s wrong with you?

“What you crying about?

Eddie, what’s…?

“Eddie, what’s wrong with you?

“What? You had a fight?!

Lillian, get my pistol.

“Who you have a fight with?

“What? A disco? With Deney Terrio?

“Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio?

“And Jimmie Walker?

And your lips? And you shot…

“What? Lillian, Eddie had a fight

in a disco with Deney Terrio

“and shot Jimmie Walker.

“He shot him in the lips, Lil.

“Eddie, why’d you shoot

Jimmie Walker in his lips?

“I like Good Times.

“Oh, you took a shot in your lips?

“And you look like Jimmie Walker?

Oh, that’d do it.

“Who punched you in the lips?

Italian? For what?

“What you mean ‘nothing’? Nobody get

punched for nothing. What’d you do?

“Don’t tell me ‘nothing’.

You had to do something.

“What did you do?

No, don’t tell me ‘nothing’.

“Nobody gets punched for nothing.

What…? Eddie…

“No, don’t say ‘nothing’. Eddie.

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing

“Had to do something

“Motherfucker punched you

In the mouth (singing)

“Now, what did you do?

What?

“Eddie. No… Eddie, then it’s something

that you did a long time ago.

This is true, everything eventually comes back around.

“Didn’t I always tell you,

you reap what you sow? Yes.

“What goes around comes around,

Eddie.

“Yes, that’s why that man punch you

in your mouth tonight,

“for something you did

a long time ago.

“Yes, Eddie.

Well, you give what you get.

“You get what you give.

That’s why that man…

“Eddie. What do you mean,

you don’t remember what you did?

“He probably punched you

for something you did

“when you was living here.

“I didn’t catch everything that you did.

I worked all day, you played all day.

“Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1971?

“It was you! Yes, it was. That’s why

that man kick your ass tonight.

“I’d appreciate if you go up and tell him

that your father says ‘Thank you!’

“Save me a trip to California.

Because you never respect me.

“You never listen to what

I tell you to do.

“I put rules on the refrigerator

and you never obey my rules.

“Me and your mother want respect.

“You, Charlie and Vernon could not

respect me and your mother.

“All we wanted was some respect.

The beginning of his show starts with a flashback to his past so it seems only right to end with his past as well.

All we asked for was a little respect.

“How come you can’t respect me?

How come? (patting his chest)

Snapple Fact #779- A group of jellyfish is called a smack.

“I’m a man. I want respect.

I want respect, Eddie.

“What we want

Baby, you got it (singing)

“What we need

I know you got it

“Because all I’m asking

“Is for a little respect, motherfucker

“When you come on home, baby

Hold on a minute. (dances)

“The kiss is sweeter than honey

“R-E-S-Z-C-P

Find out what you mean to me

“R-E-C-C-T-T-P

“Motherfucker,

you know how to spell it! (angry)

“Respect. You never had no

respect for me, Eddie.

“That’s why the man kick your ass.

And when I was a child,

“I respect my parents.

And we didn’t have shit. Okay?

“I had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers

and sisters didn’t have shit.

“I had 11 brothers and sisters, Eddie.

My father made 13 cents a week.

“He worked at the Coleco toy factory,

Eddie, and made 13 cents a week.

“That’s not a lot of money

when you have 11 children.

“We didn’t have all the fancy things

like you, Charlie and Vernon.

“We didn’t have fancy luxuries

like food.

“What the fuck you gonna eat

on 13 cents a week?

“We had to eat whatever my father

brought home from work.

“We ate the toys, Eddie.

“We ate the toys

and we never complained,

“because my mother

could cook her ass off.

“My mother get some hot sauce

and some salt and pepper,

“make a Tonka truck

taste so delicious.

“The wheels will melt in

your mouth, Eddie.

“And you appreciate it.

You never complained.

“It was all for one and one for all.

We stuck together.

“I only hurt my brothers

and sisters once.

“I came home from school

and my mother had made

“a birthday feast for my father.

“She had cooked and slaved

over the stove all day

“and made enough food

for 13 people to feast on

“for my father for his birthday

and I sat down and ate it all by myself.

“I ate it all, Eddie, by myself.

And my father came inside the kitchen,

“put his little birthday hat on

and he looked at all the children.

“He had a tear in his eye

and he said,

‘Which one of you kids sat down

‘and ate a whole fucking game

of Monopoly by yourself?

(crowd laughs)

“And I ate it all, Eddie! (crying)

“Boardwalk, Park Place,

Illinois Avenue,

“the shoe, the boat,

the hat, the cannon,

“Connecticut Avenue,

Luxury Tax,

“Eddie, I even ate those cheap

purple motherfuckers after ‘Go’…

“…that nobody buys.

I ate them.

“I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue

Yes, I did.

“I did, and I sat down and ate

my father’s birthday cake too.

“No, we couldn’t afford a cake.

“It was two Etch-A-Sketches

on top of each other.

“Two Etch… Etch-A-Sketch cake.

That’s right.

“We couldn’t afford no icing,

“so my mother would write ‘Happy

Birthday Pop’ on the Etch-A-Sketch.

“Know how you made a wish?

You shook it till the words disappeared,

“then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch.

“And that was your birthday cake.

And we never complained.

“We were happy to get that.

All for one and one for all.

“We would get dressed to go to school.

Let me tell you about our clothes.

“We had to wear whatever my father

brought home from work, Eddie.

“We wore the toys!

“Each day my mother would wake up

and open 11 Twister games, Eddie.

“She would roll the Twister mats

on the floor.

“Me and my 11 brothers and sisters

“would wrap the Twister mats

around our body like a suit.

“Then we get a Hot Wheels racetrack

and put that around our waist as a belt.

“And if there was no Hot Wheels,

we used Johnny Lightning.

“And if there was no Johnny Lightning,

we ripped up a Hula Hoop

“and put that around our waist.

But we went to school, goddamn it.

“Other children would make fun of us

because we got on Twister suits.

“And it’s no fun to get your ass

kicked in a Twister mat.

“Right foot, blue. Left hand, red, Eddie. (crowd laughs)

It was a goddamn game to these kids.

“I’m standing on the corner,

“a motherfucker is spinning the

spinner and kicking my ass, Eddie.

“Then I gotta go to school and watch

the other children eat real food.

“I gotta watch them eat peanut butter

and jelly, bologna and Swiss,

“ham and cheese. I got a goddamn

Silly Putty sandwich.

“Then, for dessert, they’re gonna

pull out a Hostess cupcake

“and I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky?

“A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie,

I ate so many Slinkys, (crying)

“every time I hear the motherfucking

FUCK #233

Slinky song,

“it make me sick to my stomach.

“They walk downstairs

Alone and in pairs

“And make a clinkety sound

“A thing, a thing, a marvelous thing

Everyone knows it’s Slinky

“A Slinky, a Slinky

A wonderful, wonderful toy

“A Slinky, a Slinky

They’re fun for a girl and a boy”

Bye-bye, I gotta go.

Thank you.

(end of show)

CONCLUSION

All subjects mentioned in Raw pertain to relationships. Murphy began a long-term relationship with Nicole Mitchell in 1988. They were eventually married at The Plaza Hotel in New York City on March 18, 1993. While married, Murphy and Mitchell had five children together, four girls and one boy. They divorced in 2005 due to irreconcilable differences. Besides Murphy’s five children with Nichole Mitchell, he is also the father of three other children out of wedlock, one in 1989, 1990, and 2007.

Murphy’s past correlates to his show RAW. Murphy’s opinion on sex was that everybody sleeps with everybody and that you shouldn’t be surprised when you find your boyfriend cheating on you because it’s what men do. All men do it. While Murphy was in a serious long-term relationship with Nichole Mitchell, he slept with at least two other woman, producing two kids from those relationships. Obviously he didn’t take monogamy too seriously. In 1993 Murphy and Mitchell got married and started a family together, and twelve years later they got a divorce. Murphy later planned on marrying Tracey Edmond, but failed due to her unwillingness to sign the prenuptial agreement. Murphy’s show included his ideas on how life and relationships should be, almost trying to justify that there was noting wrong with his way of life.

Work Cited

  1. Flippo, Chet (October 11, 1982). “Eddie Murphy Live: The razor-edged king of late night comedy”. New York. Retrieved June 27, 2011.
  2. “Eddie Murphy Biography (1961–)”. Filmreference.com. Retrieved August 29, 2010.
  3. “Russell Brand: How Has Eddie Murphy Influenced Him As A Comic?”.
  4. “Eddie Murphy and wife divorce after 12 years”. Hello!. August 8, 2005.
  5. “Eddie Murphy and Nicole Mitchell Marriage”. About.com. Retrieved 2015–03–08.
  6. “Eddie Murphy”. NNDb.com. Retrieved 2015–03–08.
  7. Simons, Bill. “The Career Arc: Eddie Murphy.” Grantland. Grantland, 10 Nov. 2011. Web. 30 Mar. 2015. <http://grantland.com/features/eddie-murphy/>.
  8. “Is a Prenup a Must for Most Couples?” WSJ. N.p., n.d. Web. 30 Mar. 2015. <http://www.wsj.com/articles/is-a-prenuptial-agreement-a-must-for-most-couples-1425271056>.
  9. Speaks, Stephen. “Relationship Expert Advice, Communication & Dating Expert.” Relationship Expert Advice, Communication & Dating Expert. N.p., n.d. Web. 30 Mar. 2015. <https://www.stephanspeaks.com/>.
  10. Pillar, Elizabeth. “A Bit of Fun: My Essay on Eddie Murphy’s RAW.” Elizabeth Pilar. N.p., 24 June 2014. Web. 30 Mar. 2015. <https://elizabethpilar.wordpress.com/2014/06/24/a-bit-of-fun-my-essay-on-eddie-murphys-raw/>.
One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.