Sometimes words are not enough to describe your thoughts, feelings, and the world. We live in a world that is becoming smaller; our consciousness in the world is changing. In my efforts to contribute to this movement, I write now to express my journey and to give others hope.
I write for people who feel hurt and broken in so many ways merely because of a person. Sometimes we meet people that move us, shake us and change us. They don’t mean to, but they do. These people come in all shapes, sizes, sexes, and forms. In spirituality, we use the word soulmate and karmic connection to describe these people.
I n 2015, I went through an experience quite similar where someone came into my life without warning, set the fields ablaze without being concerned for himself or me. This gentleman was meant to be a stop on my journey, but he very well became a beautiful, and painful memory.
Akin to a burning phoenix is what he left me. I remember thinking what burns, must come alive again and regrow- except the flaming phoenix eventually found her bearings. I went down a pathway where I kept going back and forth to this “narcissist.”
In my case, my karmic connection was a full-fledged narcissist with an academic pedigree I adored and looks that said masculine all over them. Never did he tell me about himself, his upbringing, his college experiences or his love for family and friends- he said as little as possible to keep me around. When I figured out who he was as a person, I chose to respond with hatred- to treat him like an object the way he handled me. The behavior only made our situation worse. He indulged in name-calling, discussing his conquests, and demeaning my career/personal potential in response to my requests for an emotional conversation. And I tolerated all of it until that is I realized the way he was treating me was a reflection of how I felt about myself. My parents were quite contentious even though they loved each other, didn’t know how to communicate with one another and lived in this authenticity mold that I never understood. Part of it was socio-cultural, there are a list of dos and don’ts when it comes to your family and representation.
But this heartbreak woke something up in me; all the bad came out. The heartbreak created a single widening crack across my soul and body. All the insecurities, the lack of self-love, the years of trauma, and the lack of a healthy environment came to the surface. It had all been hiding underneath this cloak I wore. Sometimes, there would be a tear in the mask, which only my close family and friends saw. But then again I would never let anyone get too close because I was afraid of losing them and I was scared of vulnerability.
Heartbreak has this beautiful way of cracking you wide open where you have to look at yourself in the most vulnerable road otherwise the anxiety and emotions will continuously tear at your soul. I had spent 26 years or more just suppressing the anger, the pain, the hatred, the negative thoughts, and the need of approval from others. For it to only come out in the choices in my life. Now, I see that was the most beautiful opportunity for me to stop lying to myself, others and to live my full potential.
After this heartbreak-, which happened like over the course of a year and a half-, I looked at everything in my past, present, and future. I asked myself how I let someone treat me with such disrespect, unkindness, and hatred. The answer- was even more heartbreaking- culmulated pain over the years. I dated other people only to treat them as objects and using them as a plug to a wound.
The final straw came for me on this journey when it was my mother’s birthday- who I had lost in August of 2014, and I couldn’t get out of bed. I felt destroyed, hurt, sadness, dismay, and anxiety.
At this point is when I saw my silver lining or as many would say- had an Eckhart Tolle moment- I knew what I was doing wasn’t working. I knew the online dating apps, my family, or my education wasn’t cutting it for me. I needed more, and I needed complete concrete change; I wanted more love, companionship, and fulfillment.
I sought out a life and love coach who I was unabashedly honest with about everything. She asked me to visit her and asked me to do one thing: to have faith. She was correct in saying her legal clientele is the most difficult to do this kind of work. This “kind of work” refers to spiritual healing and life coaching work. She is the woman that spearheaded and thoroughly supported my journey.
For people seeking greater purpose in love and life, life and love coaches are amazing people. In school, I didn’t learn how to have healthy relationships with myself, with others. I didn’t see any healthy relationships around myself. Life and love coaches teach you precisely these skills.
My love and life coach taught me to meditate, to do yoga, to really let go, to journey, to set positive affirmations, and to date healthier. Meditation, yoga, and my statements have created this beautiful foundation I can come back to every time I am stressed, crazed, or anxiety-provoked. They’ve helped me to better my relationships with family, friends, and colleagues.
Other skills such as building emotional connection and resilience, developing self-acceptance, accepting my past/relationships with family, developing healthy communication skills and self-awareness, examining my fears and sabotage patterns, creating self-love and self-care, cultivating compassion, determining my values, and balancing the masculine-feminine energies assisted me in living and discovering who I am.
Ultimately, these foundational skills enabled me to achieve my career, passions, and my beautiful boyfriend. Currently, I work at an amazing firm that encourages work-life balance, mentorship, and growth. The firm emphasizes its associates’ health- fitness and meditation. Not only is my boyfriend kind, loving, compassionate and truly a sacred masculine man, he pursues his dreams and encourages me to pursue mine. He treats me like a Goddess, whereby we travel, read books, and cook to our hearts’ content. We take every evening to connect despite the hectic schedules and to give gratitude for the lives we are creating together. I couldn’t have told any of you that I would be living a happy and calm life with a man who treats me with such kindness and with a career that creates space for work-life balance.
Take that as a testament to investing in yourself. Maybe coaching isn’t for you, perhaps meditation is, and perhaps even yoga is. Maybe take a workshop on the divine masculine-feminine energies is. Choose any path that resonates with you and your journey.
Now, not everyone needs a coach. But for someone like me, I needed someone from an outsider perspective to help me see where I was going wrong- to see how life is beautiful and choices are present in everything that we do. Investing in yourself is a lovely thing that will have an immense impact on your life.
Each of these activities helps to bring more consciousness into your life. Consciousness for me means an awareness of the present moment so that you can live in the present. It means less anxiety in the world, less hatred, and more love. Take a minute to see heartbreak as a means of self-discovery, as a means to work on yourself and to further whatever purpose you are here to fulfill.
