Everybody Pees

Pregnancy can give you so many random diseases and health issues. On my chart at the doctor pregnancy on its own is even listed as one of my medical issues. It’s the medical issue that I paid to get.

Later this week I have to get tested for diabetes. I didn’t have it before, but when you’re pregnant your body just grabs at any diseases it sees.

Early on I got nauseous all the time. People call it morning sickness, but it really should be called all day sickness. My body decided it would be funny if ginger was my biggest nausea trigger, since that’s what everyone suggests for curing nausea.

Now that I’ve gotten a bit bigger I literally can’t get up or down without groaning. I was hoping that wouldn’t start happening until I was much older than 28.

A few weeks ago I developed biliary sludge, which is kind of like gallstones but less solid. I know exactly where my gallbladder is now because it hurts whenever I eat too much fatty food at once. Ever the comedian, my body decided the one food craving I would get would be meat and not just any meat. GRRR Meat, as I call it. Meat that you can really sink your teeth into and gnaw on.

GRRR Meat
Not GRRR Meat
GRRR Meat
Not GRRR Meat

Meat does not make my gallbladder very happy.

Supposedly about 50% of people experience periods of incontinence either during pregnancy or shortly after birth. I did not like the sound of that so I decided to be in the other 50%.

For a long time my regular bladder was holding up pretty well. I had to go to the bathroom pretty frequently but that was to be expected. Then my bladder decided to become a strong, silent type. He decided to mostly stop telling me when I had to go, which for a few weeks was quite nice. I went to the bathroom regularly anyway, out of habit. It started to get scary when I was peeing more than I would’ve thought my bladder was capable of holding.

A couple of weeks before my very talkative mother-in-law moved in with us I had a pee accident. At home luckily. The dumb thing was that it was just caused by a small cough. My bladder hadn’t even said he needed to go.

So then I switched from underwear to diapers. They’re maybe not called diapers when adults wear them, but that’s what I call them anyway. Most of the reviews online for adult diapers start with something like, “I bought these for my elderly mother and she…”

It does fit in well with my theory that being pregnant causes you to be part baby. I would be perfectly content eating and napping all day with short bursts of playing with toys.

I work at a preschool and I’ve been expanding their minds. The ones who’ve asked me know that girls can marry girls, because their teacher did. And now I don’t let them get away with saying things like, “Only babies wear diapers.” Not true! I’m not stupid enough to tell a class of 4-year-olds that I have to wear diapers, but I do tell them that my grandma does sometimes.

My wife and I moved into our house a few months ago. Neither of us are that great at unpacking or cleaning. My wife’s mom has been volunteering to help us clean as a thank you for letting her live with us for a while. She unpacked and cleaned up our whole kitchen almost single-handedly.

Then she volunteered to do the same thing with our bathroom. I was a little hesitant because I knew my diapers were in there, but I also figured she had already noticed me throwing them away each night. Plus she’s been pregnant so there was a 50% chance she knew exactly what they were for anyway.

She worked on our bathroom while my wife and I were downstairs putting together a bookshelf. My wife sent me out to the garage to get some more screws which sent me walking past the bathroom just as her mom discovered my diapers. She didn’t understand what they were for or where she should put them. She was asking me a bunch of questions and I didn’t want to answer so I just said, “I don’t know” and awkwardly left for the garage.

I couldn’t even find the screws in there! I texted my wife to come help me and she volunteered to tell her mom what the diapers were for. She apologized when I came back from hiding in the garage.

I was very pro-abortion before I got pregnant and now I’m perhaps even more so. I am very excited about having a kid. I paid money so that I could get pregnant. But pregnancy sucks and I don’t think anyone should have to go through it if they’re not happy about it.

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