The Internal Battlefield — The Pursuit of Authenticity

Konner Macias
Sep 7, 2018 · 5 min read
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Over the course of some of my difficult courses in university, particularly within computer science, I found myself dazed when trying to solve a problem. I understood the answer was lurking online, some partial solution on GitHub. When I felt completely lost, the all familiar, habitual events occurred. I would:

  1. Stare at problem, and try to make sense of it. Completely scan for clues.
  2. If truly difficult, get flustered. Then the temptations of peaking at the solution would arise.
  3. The war between right and left shoulder would ensue.
  4. Peak at the solution, and convince myself that I’m picking up new techniques to solve like-problems in the future.

Many times before the third event, my body became the first enemy as it would physically give me a response of anguish. It would get cold, and shut down as it repeatedly tells my brain to just take a nap. Let the sleep give you the rest need to solve the problem later, you know, when your back is against the wall. My eyes would counterattack by widening thus forcing myself to again repeatedly scan the problem in hopes for some sort of clue within the wording. Sometimes it felt as though I had no eye lids. The body knew that if I slept, I could avoid the internal battle of right and left shoulder, and postpone the action which filled me with self-disgust.

I knew this wasn’t just related to school, it was larger. To me, it spoke to how I would ultimately handle any difficult situation I would face in the future. The current outlook was bleak, I knew my problems were slowly building upon each other.

My habit of the wide-eyed scan, which I picked up conveniently in college, damaged my ability to solve problems. When I would wide-eye, retaining any bit of understanding of a solution could only go so deep. Thus, retaining coursework knowledge became difficult and ultimately snowballed, making classes dependent upon others even tougher. In turn, the internal dispute became worse and worse.

At the start of my Junior year, I had developed a near disgust at myself for choosing the easy way out instead of facing my deeper problems. To me, these decisions painted my entire picture. Soon, the internal strife began to occur more frequently even outside of my studying sessions. My conscience began to have full discussions and arguments with itself even while making dinner.

At its worst times, it felt as if I had 5 different voices with their own opinions in my head. One would say, “Alright Konner, don’t give in. Go back to your lecture notes and search for the point of your confusion” while another would say, “You’ve tried that before, you were wide-eyed and got nothing. You are lost, you’re just going to give in”. The body would then shut down, extending the fight now against body and mind.

One night while I was alone, I simply brought out a notebook and a pen to write down every single thought that entered my mind. I ended up writing 8 front and back pages…As I gave it the only read-through I will ever give, I was actually able to pick out which voice was speaking inside; they all had their own unique opinions. It was at this point that I nearly cried, and vowed to help myself in fighting the evil with the good.

Meditation, the practice of focus, was incredibly helpful. The best technique I received out of it was the ability to look at thoughts as logs floating down a river, and you’re there on the riverside watching them pass without judgement. The ability to notice thoughts, watch them pass, and continue on became pure bliss for me. Washing the dishes soon became me simply focusing on washing the dishes, not trying to mediate an internal debate.

I knew that I could procrastinate and postpone this problem farther by simply not being alone, constantly surrounding myself with friends. The battles only occurred when there was just me, the stray buffalo, ready to be picked off. Ultimately, I knew I had to go into the depths of hell to defeat the devil. As much as I could, I would spend time alone; do my homework alone, relax alone, just be alone in order to truly fight the evil.

I believed that If I could rise above, levitate over the problem I was facing based on my own determination, I will have made a legitimate step towards strengthening my discipline, and ridding myself of the constant self-disgust. Towards the end of Junior year, I had formulated a new study plan towards my classes but now with a primary emphasis in solving my problems on my own accord, and secondly, meditating.

Of course, the strife didn’t cease, but it did significantly decrease. The moments where I tried to rise above the temptation of giving up became some of the proudest moments of my life. I was doing it. I knew that in the long run, which is so hard to work towards, I would be thanking myself. I could picture myself in my near ideal state, how I would wake up in the morning all the way to how I would fall asleep. This ideal state didn’t mean being perfect, it meant simply controlling the controllables, focusing on what I can control without depriving myself of what it means to complete tasks authentically.

To this day, I still get urges to give in, but I know that tackling the issue and staying true to yourself is the solution to the bigger problem. My time of loneliness became the only world that mattered to me, it was a battlefield, it was hell, and it was heaven. As my self journey progresses, I know that I’ll be making the right steps to carry me towards whatever I want to do in life. I would rather be focusing on caring for others right now, but first, I must take care of myself before I can. It will extend to so much more. Before you can love someone, you must first love yourself.

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