The Spark of Selfhood

A Tribute From A Granddaughter to Her Grandmother

Kristen Marano
Sep 5, 2018 · 4 min read

Joan O’Brien passed away in November 2017. She was 92-years-old. Until my Grandmother died, I didn’t realize how much she taught me about selfhood: how our self-respect influences whether we pursue what we love every day. It doesn’t matter how old we are. It doesn’t matter how much money we make. It doesn’t matter whether we have a partner and kids. What matters is what we do with the time we have.

This is the eulogy I shared with my family, because I couldn’t be at the funeral.

Grandma Joan, to the left, in her 20s, laughing the only way she knew how: with her entire body.

When people close to us die, we quickly make their death about us. We ask questions like: what are my best memories with that person? What do I remember them most for? And, what did they teach me about life?

These are all questions I’ve reflected on this week about Grandma. When I was at the cottage this past summer, my mom and I were going through Grandma’s wedding shower book. In elegant handwriting, her friend shared this advice:

“You would not lead one who did not chose to follow, or follow one who demanded to be leader. The spark of selfhood, that high and precious thing.”

Grandma to me, is a woman who has always had a strong sense of self, all the way to the age of 92. She was a radiant woman: confident, energetic, and alive. If she thought something was funny, she chuckled with her entire body, throwing her head back and grabbing a tissue from her pocket to wipe her tears of joy.

If she wanted to enjoy a drink in her later years, it didn’t matter what any of her children had to say, she was having a damn drink. If she wanted to get a perm and her nails painted every week, she did it. If she wanted to know something, she asked you point blank. If she thought you were doing something wrong, you’d know. Even in her last years, if she wanted to eat ice cream for dinner, she did.

There was no bullshit. There was no time for pettiness. There was no time to be wasted, when time could be filled having fun.

As a kid, I always felt Grandma was selfish with her time. She never seemed to be around that much. I don’t see it that way now. She was busy being a radiant woman doing the things she loved. She was doing the things that made her happy. Since she wasn’t always around in the summer or through the winter, perhaps she was giving us, her family, the freedom to be ourselves.

My Grandma getting her hair curled at the nursing home, where she lived the last few years of her life.

When we don’t do what we love — the things that make us feel most alive, our spirit and character dies. It was hard to see Grandma decline over the past few years because she wasn’t the person we’ve always known. She wasn’t able to do what she loved. She tried, though, so we have to give her that.

When Grandma first moved into the retirement home, she went downstairs, pulled herself up to the bar and ordered herself a rye and water, her favourite drink. Even in a new and uncertain living situation, without Grandpa by her side, Grandma was still going after the things she enjoyed.


It’s up to us to always pursue what makes us happy and never let anyone tell us otherwise. If you love a sport make time for it. If you love to be social surround yourself with wonderful friends. If you want to get your nails done every week, do it.

Grandma lived a long and wonderful life, but for the rest of us, we never know when we might die. So, if we’re not living life to the fullest every day, I know Grandma would surely say, then what’s the point?

Visit with my Grandma at her nursing home.

There was one question that Grandma consistently asked me throughout the years. It was often point blank after I arrived at someone’s house and gave her a hug and a kiss. Rather than asking, “how are you, Kristen?” She would ask, “Kristen, are you happy?” It was her way of checking in on me throughout some rough times in my life. Even though she’s likely annoyed with me for not making her funeral, I think she’d be happy that I can say I’m leading my best life, with tons of great friends by the ocean. I’ve sparked my path of selfhood.

Kristen Marano

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I write about women in the world.

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