How My Anxiety Was The Worst Boyfriend I’ve Ever Had

My anxiety lingers behind, waiting for it’s time to prance. Even when I think it’s gone away, it comes back from vacation with more baggage than when it had left. You could say anxiety was the worst relationship I ever had. We’ll even give him a name. James. James is very clingy. Whenever I want to go hang out with my friends, he insists that he needs to be there, too. I was too embarrassed of James and his impact on me that I would stay inside instead.

Sometimes I’ll wake up and James won’t be at the house, so I quickly switch into my workout gear, grab my bag, and head outside to get chores done without stress. No matter where I went, James seemed to always find me. He would find me at the grocery store where I felt rushed because I couldn’t find the right kind of bread or at the gym while I’m surrounded by slim and trimmed bodies running with no clear finish line. James would find unusual ways to reassure me that he simply was just trying to keep me safe, and under control for if any emergency happened. When I wore something new, he would only ever tell me which way my curves hovered over the hips of my jeans or ask, “what made you think of wearing that?” After many sleepless nights secon guessing my worth and keeping myself inside all day, I decided it was time I broke up with James. My family and friends didn’t like him or how he made me feel, so why should I tolerate it? James oddly vanished quickly after I made it clear I was done with our relationship; however, this breakup lasted a long period of time with guilt and anger towards myself. I soon realized that James had been there for so long. No treatment or activities could just make the memory go away. I was always scared James might appear again, and sometimes I even wished that he would have. He hurt me, so why was I allowing myself to hold on? James was always there whether I wanted him to be or not. After all, being lonely and not feeling anything may be even worse. James had felt comfortable. He was the one thing that never changed. Could he ever be good for me? I started weighing the pro’s and the con’s the way any girl would do on The Bachelorette finale. It took years to completely leave James. Sometimes I would trick myself into thinking I needed him to keep going, but I realized he only brought me back to fear, paranoia, and nausea. He helped me realize to not hold onto a mistake just because you spent so much time making it. Some days he creeps in, but I’m strong enough to know he was a liar. My friends, family, and I myself are happy to see that I let James go.
