There is a list I take with me to the grocery store behind my neighbourhood, on lonely street light runs, while munching on milk-less frosted flakes, captivated by the artificial glow of touchscreens glazing over my marbled eyes.
There in the middle of my traffic-jammed mind, is a list I have memorized like the sound of my mother’s footsteps when she is angry at my father.
A list that does not fall through cracks and creases of forgotten places, a list that is not afraid to wake me violently in the steep sleep of silent nights.
This is what it tells me:
- Remember when your aunt criticized you for misspelling “birthday” when she opened your gift? Everyone laughed but you.
- With blackheads sprinkled against your nose, shadowed moustache outlining your upper lips, those buttery spreading arms, and that bulging beluga-whale tummy, you are the definition of fat & ugly.
- You’ll never be as good. You’ll never be as good. You’ll never be as good . You’ll never be as good. You’ll never be as good. You’ll never be as good. You’ll never be as good.
- Why did you eat that? Throw-up it up you fat-f*ck.
- Listen to the way you talk. Those stumbled, jumbled words. No one is listening to you. I said, no one is listening to you.
- When Reading in Public: Count the number of heads before you & fast-forward to the lines you are going to read. Read them over, make sure you know the words, pronounce them correctly, because you are an idiot.
- “You are fat.” — My Dad.
- “You’re an attention seeker.” — Me
- “You’re annoying.” — Classmates in Grade Seven
- “You have a terrible voice.” — My Best-friend in Grade Eight
- Someone is probably making an Ad-Block just for your posts.
- Yeah right, you’re not worth the time for someone to spend making the Ad-Block.
- Your Youtube videos are terribly cringe-worthy & no one wants to watch you talk.
- You always start something, (think doughnut shop, photography projects, your website) but you never finish it.
- You’re not worthy of anyone’s time and,
- you’ll never make it.
I often wonder if I will ever be able to conquer this list,
to find a thought permenant enough to cross-off the items that weigh my mind so heavily.