There is a list I take with me to the grocery store behind my neighbourhood, on lonely street light runs, while munching on milk-less frosted flakes, captivated by the artificial glow of touchscreens glazing over my marbled eyes.

There in the middle of my traffic-jammed mind, is a list I have memorized like the sound of my mother’s footsteps when she is angry at my father.

A list that does not fall through cracks and creases of forgotten places, a list that is not afraid to wake me violently in the steep sleep of silent nights.

This is what it tells me:

  1. Remember when your aunt criticized you for misspelling “birthday” when she opened your gift? Everyone laughed but you.
  2. With blackheads sprinkled against your nose, shadowed moustache outlining your upper lips, those buttery spreading arms, and that bulging beluga-whale tummy, you are the definition of fat & ugly.
  3. You’ll never be as good. You’ll never be as good. You’ll never be as good . You’ll never be as good. You’ll never be as good. You’ll never be as good. You’ll never be as good.
  4. Why did you eat that? Throw-up it up you fat-f*ck.
  5. Listen to the way you talk. Those stumbled, jumbled words. No one is listening to you. I said, no one is listening to you.
  6. When Reading in Public: Count the number of heads before you & fast-forward to the lines you are going to read. Read them over, make sure you know the words, pronounce them correctly, because you are an idiot.
  7. “You are fat.” — My Dad.
  8. “You’re an attention seeker.” — Me
  9. “You’re annoying.” — Classmates in Grade Seven
  10. “You have a terrible voice.” — My Best-friend in Grade Eight
  11. Someone is probably making an Ad-Block just for your posts.
  12. Yeah right, you’re not worth the time for someone to spend making the Ad-Block.
  13. Your Youtube videos are terribly cringe-worthy & no one wants to watch you talk.
  14. You always start something, (think doughnut shop, photography projects, your website) but you never finish it.
  15. You’re not worthy of anyone’s time and,
  16. you’ll never make it.

I often wonder if I will ever be able to conquer this list,
to find a thought permenant enough to cross-off the items that weigh my mind so heavily.

Note: If you’re reading this, thank you and please don’t pity me! The reason I created this list is to let myself and others into my battle of self-doubt. I acknowledge this isn’t a healthy way of thinking and am not condoning you to think like this! But being human we are all prone to these thoughts.

This is a reminder to be kind — to ourselves and others, and that self-doubt is a constant battle.

Thanks for reading!! This is DAY 4 of my 30 DAY writing challenge! If you liked this story please give it FIFTY 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏s. It helps my stories get noticed by more people!

Kim Ng 🙆🏻‍♀️

Written by

awkward human, storyteller, into self-improvement & fun facts: https://www.themoodygenzennial.com

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