It was two in the morning. I was curled up next to him, thinking about the coming day and listening to his even, sleeping breathing. I was warm under the blankets, and I could hear the wind twisting the world around outside of the windows. I should have been asleep, but I wasn’t.
I knew I had to get up, but I couldn’t. I was warm and comfortable, I felt like I was home. I felt his arms wrapped around me gently, his head pressed into my shoulder. For the first time since high school graduation, I was completely and entirely content with where I was in life. I was going to hold onto that feeling as best as I could.
It was three in the morning. I knew that in two hours my father would be awake, expecting me to be in deep sleep in the room across the hall. I knew that if he didn’t have to wake up early for work, I could fall asleep and then get up in four hours. I could go to my favorite coffee place, down the road from where my body was resting, using it as an excuse to why there wasn’t a warm imprint on my bed when my parents awoke. But I couldn’t get up still.
It was three-thirty in the morning, and I had finally gotten up. I awoke the kind sleeping soul next to me, and said my good byes.
“See you in March.” I cried as I drove away.
Five hours later I was driving away from my heart and happiness. Past Washington D.C., through Virginia and both of the Carolinas, through Atlanta as the city burst of color and lights, and through to Alabama. I hadn’t ever regretted my choice of college until then.
They call it “going through the motions,” being on auto-pilot, unhappiness. For two months I stared at the screen of my laptop, the twinkling colored Christmas lights strung up in my room, and out of the window. Stirring inside of me was a feeling of something missing, of the unknown.
Last night, as I typed away on a busy-work assignment, I felt the snap. No more auto-pilot, no more tears and missing my heart. No more nothingness. I was going to embrace the unknown.
I will not return to college next year.
I will instead find myself in adventure, and by knowing that I won’t have to leave the warmth and happiness at four in the morning. I will no longer dwell in the mundane school work that makes learning so terrible. I will allow the world to take me on a journey of self worth, happiness, and vitality. Get more tattoos, be creative, dye my hair, learn to paint and make music- I will do it all.
And I can’t wait.
For once, I feel like my future is bright.