MAN LAW CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW: Rob (#6) at Joe (#4)
FOLKS, the time has come. The day is here and the fans are lubed up and ready to go. Two newcomers will tussle and brawl for their first ever Man Law Title Ring, joining a hallowed and exclusive circle that thinks entirely too much of themselves. For another year, JH’s record of two rings will not be challenged but that’s not what’s important here, despite what many of us would do to throw Man Law’s Bill Belichick off his double throne… No, this season is dedicated to 2015’s two greatest competitors: Joe and Rob. Let’s take a look at their seasons and stakes, eh?
#4 Morning Wood Head - COACH: Joe Marshall - RECORD: 7–6
Once a league-leading 7–3, Joe took a dive at the end of the season and lost three in a row, ceding a top seed for the fourth. And then he won two straight — including the last by one point over Patrick! — to storm into the championship game. This theme of Phoenix-like revival after Nihal-like failure embodies Joe’s season from the get-go. Did you know Joe was starting Tony Romo and Isaiah Crowell and Jordan Matthews and Randall Cobb in Week 1, all before each befell various maladies that rendered them useless for fantasy? Must’ve been like watching a new puppy’s leg fall off and then break its collarbone and then try to catch passes from Sam Bradford… But Joe soldiered on! This week, he trots out Tyrod Taylor and John Brown and Tyler Lockett??! So it’s good that Joe is rolling with the punches but if you asked me how he really got here and forced me to declare it in a ham-handed turn of phrase, I’d tell you that Joe’s also good at rolling with… Todd Gurley. *pauses column to high five everyone in a two-mile radius*
You’ve heard allllll about Mr. Gurley Man as the new AP, the reborn Larry Johnson… PEYTON HILLIS INCARNATE. He could also be Man Law MVP with his 9 touchdowns in 13 weeks and five 100+ yard games. That’s more than any other running back in the league during that span.* (NOTE: I did not fact check this because I am lazy and I don’t have a copy-editor to boss around besides Man Law intern Carl.) With all those injuries, Joe’s gotta be putting up posters of Gurley and Gronk on his ceiling so his fantasy saviors can be the last thing he sees every night before bed. And if they deliver him a championship? Let’s just say those ceiling posters may need to be cleaned on a nightly basis……………………………………from all the victory jizz.
VS.
#6 Got Milk? — COACHED BY: Rob Weiner — RECORD: 7–6
When it comes to championship rosters, what Joe’s lineup lacks in star power, it certainly makes up for in grit, hard hats and can-do attitudes. And then there’s Rob’s cast of SUPASTARS: Big Ben, AP, Antonio Brown, Amari, Lamar Miller, the Vikings D (god it feels good to type that last one). Where Joe zigged (losing 3 straight to fall ass-backwards into the playoffs), Rob zagged (winning two in a row to surge into the playoffs and not tasting defeat in five weeks!). Where Joe’s stars stayed injured and shitty, Rob’s injury report recovered and cleared out, helped out by Big Ben’s seeming alien ability to play with a foot that was BROKEN IN HALF. Where Joe’s roster change out rivaled that of a Draft Kings addict with money to burn and ADHD, Rob is *incredibly* starting 8 out of his Week One 9 starters. That’s so unbelievable when you think about the churn and burn and torn ACLs of a normal fantasy season… we all have our lost stars and fallen beaus we reflect on at night. *taps heart twice and points up to a constellation that vaguely resembles Matt Forte, then shoots double middle fingers to Joseph Randle constellation* And then there’s Rob, losing Ben twice(!) but getting him and Antonio Brown’s production back just at the right time.
But wait wait wait wait, this is ROB we’re talking about! Sad sack, laughingstock, poor sap Rob! Hard to believe he’s on the brink of a championship… unless of course this post jinxes him… (Ben and Antonio Brown got a TD pass called back as I typed the first graf, I apologize PROFUSELY) If Rob can take this ring, well, we can never again poke fun at the Walla Walla Bears! Are you ready for a post-Rob Joke era?? I don’t know if I am!!! Half my jokes are at Rob’s expense! And can you imagine ROB making fun of our handful of ring-less teams? Strange new world… you know, if it happens. (And I hope it does, imagine the 2015 Fantasy Bowl Winning Season-in-Review DVD!) God help us all.