MAN LAW Week 1 Recap: Goliaths Rise
With Week 1 flattened on the trail behind us, bludgeoned to death with bad takes about patriotism, we saw three potential juggernauts rise up from the depths. To no one’s surprise, J “Bill Belichick” H continues to field unbelievable teams wherever he goes and inspire jealous rages that can’t be satisfied even by writing all your pain into the Weekly Recap. We all saw that coming. HOWEVAH, Eshaan and Nihal? The two tall turkeys typically tanking toward time-honored traditions of terribleness? I’ll say, color me surprised and also skeptical that they can keep this up in any capacity. I mean, look at who Nihal’s playing this week! Homie’s got zero shot. Alright, let’s see just what the hell happened last week.
Scary Monsters (Patrick) 95–86 LE•VE•ON E•MO•TION (Kristian)
Really thought I had a shot in this one! Julio got an early touchdown, DeMarco scored twice without beating our Vikes and the Eagles D broke RG3 and the Browns simultaneously. IT WAS MY DESTINY. And then the dam broke, as Andrew Luck 35 goddamn points in seemingly ten minutes as the Colts-Lions game turned into World War III. The goddamn ogre ruined everything. He’s like Shrek if that green blob used the Stand Your Ground law to rid his swamp of fairytale creatures right at the outset. Keenan Allen may well have been cut down in the prime of his life as he tore his ACL after one quarter, leaving me with GAPING holes at RB and WR. Just counting down the days until that stoner LeVeon gets back. Other than Luck and his kicker, Patrick’s team was butt so good luck with that.
Patrick (1–0) / Kristian (0–1)
Donte’s Inferno (Tim) 85–61 Wilson’s Saved Companionship (Clay)
I suppose it’s not a bad idea to model your team off the foundation of the Seattle Brandroids, but in a year that Marshawn retired, one of their players actually almost died on the field and Russ fucked, I’d advise against it. Too many bad omens and shitty love poems for me. Clay clearly thought otherwise and boy, did he pay for it in Week 1. The Seahawks laid an egg at Miami, winning while only leading 6–3 for most of the game and Clay’s got Russ, Christine Michael, Tyler Lockett and Thomas Rawls, so of course, he was destined for a brutal loss. Also Ndamukong Suh stomped on Russell’s ankle and he might miss this week so everything’s really turning up Milhouse, eh Clay? Not even Antonio Brown can save your ass. Meanwhile, Tim’s starters recorded TWO zeroes, enough to be a death knell to most teams, but please remember the team he was playing. I forgot to mention Clay had Rams D/ST too hahahahahahhaha. Ahhhhh, anyway, Tim’s RB corps continues to delight and terrify but that lineup of wideouts has to be worrying the young man.
Tim (1–0) / Clay (0–1)
Real Men Choose Red Man (Chris) 95–88 Peg Leg Teddy (Nathan)
This is what happens when you joke about the untimely maiming of our One True Savior, Guggs!!!!!! (I’ll admit, the photoshop is excellent.) You get Todd Gurley swallowed up by the Stink of the Jeff Fisher, a stout Chiefs D carved up by Felipe Rios and 38 points from all but two of your players. Teddy has cursed you. Side note: enjoy DeAngelo while you can because LeVeon’s coming back and HE will be scoring 28 a week I tell you! Meanwhile, Chris has come up with another solid team name, this time playing with Zim’s chaw habit. The other day, Chris told me that chewing tobacco has little bits of fiberglass in it that lacerate your mouth to accelerate the tobacco’s absorption into your blood stream. HOLY SHIT. It literally has BITS OF GLASS in it and how did I not know this???????? I mean, yeah everyone knows your jaw could fall off if you’re chawing away for too long but broken windows are active ingredients! Goddamn, that should be the FIRST thing they tell you in high school health class. I wouldn’t even chew gum after that. Anyway, Chris has a good team, especially if Devonta Freeman can get his head out of his ass and Steve Diggs continues to be Superman.
Chris (1–0) / Nathan (0–1)
Ground Zero (some guy) 120–88 Team marsh (filler name) (Joe) (parentheses)
Alright, let’s get this out of the way: hated rival Nihal is 1–0. Pretty good showing there, Nihal! Maybe the best in… years? This is kind of like seeing a racehorse win its first race in a long, long time, finally recovered from losing three of its legs, pissing its horse-pants constantly while racing and repeatedly drafting Sammy Watkins. Poor guy, you think, one day, you’ll show ’em. Here we get a glimpse of that day and yet, continue to color me skeptical about Nihal this season. I’ve seen too much to believe again and get let down again. Also, he plays me this week and you are GOING DOWN MOTHERFUCKER. No goddamn way does Ameer Abdullah sniff double digits again this year and I’ll buy you a grand steak dinner if the Vikings score two defensive touchdowns again this week. They’re playing the DRAGON Aaron Rodgers… we’re so DOOMED and so are you. Get fucked. Joe, I’m not even going to comment on your team because you haven’t thought of a good name yet. Sorry. (Jameis was terrific.)
Nihal (1–0) / Joe (0–1)
Sanders’s Shitty Selfies (JH) 122–119 Hyde and Prejudice (Eshaan)
I SHOULD decline to comment on this matchup since both teams continue to sports team names from 2015 but alas, can’t skip the best game of the week. Usually when your same-team QB and wideout combine for 61 points, you’re looking at a win. Drew Brees and Brandin Cooks wrecked shit last week, hooking up for a 98-YARD TOUCHDOWN, which never happens! and Eshaan still lost. Not much you can do there Esh but cuss out AJ Green, write a Letter to the Editor about Cam Newton’s society-damaging touchdown dances and look up just what exactly a Spencer Ware is. JH squeezed a boatload of points out of those three and somehow coaxed double digits from Melvin Gordon. And Melvin Gordon is ass! He didn’t even score a damn touchdown last year! Pretty whack though how Esh had the other Chargers tailback in the Gritlord Danny Woodhead and they both scored 17. One of them could’ve had 34 points and that would’ve been WAY cooler than this socialist split points bullshit. SMH.
JH (1–0) / Eshaan (0–1)
(I searched ‘blair walsh gif’ for this section and all I got were Wide Left GIFs assaulting my sensibilities so there will be no visual placement here.)
Got Milk? (Rob) 91–82 Ludicrous Speed (Evan)
Goddamnit, you guys, where is the PRIDE in your team names, this is just shameful. Honestly though, I don’t have much to say about this matchup. It definitely happened, that’s for sure! The biggest takeaway I had when I scanned the box score was goddamn, how did Blair Walsh accrue 14 points? He missed like three kicks last Sunday! Walsh apparently attempted SIX field goals, made four of them and missed just one extra point. And still put up 14 fantasy points! If I were the Fantasy God, he would’ve received negative twelve points… that what you get, having the YIPS, Blair. Waaaaaait a second, Rob left Kelvin Benjamin on his bench! What kind of defending champ leaves the big boy Kelvin B riding the pine? That’s not championship-caliber roster management, I don’t CARE about your very impressive wide reciever corps! A pox on your house.
Rob (1–0) / Evan (0–1)
Alright, that’s the recap everyone. Enjoy the games and SKOOOOOOL Vikes! Let’s get together and get drunk, eh?
