A game of tones !
My first blog.
I’d always pictured this as some happy experience that I would pen down. Sadly, like most things in life, it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, and here I am pouring my heart out on something, that keeps troubling all of us at some point or the other, our regrets.
A few weeks back, my mom pointed out that I wasn’t the person that I was a couple of years ago. When she said that, I thought that it was just one of the things moms keep saying. I also rationalised it thinking that I’ve probably changed for the better- I’ve widened my horizons, become older, more mature ,accepting and brave.
Well, the truth is, I regret losing the streak of innocence that I had. The belief that whatever happens, the universe does it for my good was gone. I have started taking risks, often unnecessary and damaging. I have this incessant need to prove myself right to the world, which on more than one occasion has cost me relationships, with people I genuinely care about.
I know that there’s no way I can crawl back into my mother’s womb, I need to man up and face the consequences of my decisions, accept change. But do I need to change my inherent values for this? Should my need to explore, destroy the comfortable world that I already invested years to build?
These questions kept troubling me. And finally I took the plunge, went against all rationality and decided to be impulsive. Made a decision, which will probably trouble me for the longest time to come, lost people and hurt some in the process.
While making the decision, I thought that whichever way it goes I’ll learn something from it.Well,I did learn a lot, it has shown me my worst sides ,shown me what I’m capable of.
However, this has chewed off a chunk from what I was. It has made me question my own merit as a person. I’ll probably tread on really shaky grounds in the near future because of this.
So, after all this contemplation and self enlightenment I’ve realised my need of the hour. More than anything, I need to forgive myself. I need to ensure that I learn from this mistake and do not anchor myself to another wobbling boat trying to sail away from this sunken ship.
Well, as people rightly say, we all make mistakes, we learn from them and we grow. So no matter who believes in you that you will rise again, braver and stronger, you need to believe yourself.
Give yourself another chance, if you are scared of acceptance in the future; don’t be, because the little girl in me would love to believe that the world adjusts itself to make it a happier place for you. It might sound naive, but it gives you hope and anything that gives hope, never did anyone any harm.
It’s good to adapt to change, to open yourself to new avenues, but not at the cost of losing your identity or changing your hardwired morals.Because, in the end, that is all in the world that is truly yours.
So go explore, but keep your picture of yourself safe in a corner, warm and cosy.And remember, no decision of yours defines you or no other person defines you. You define yourself, unapologetically.