In the midst of progress >
Recently messages from everywhere have been reminding me what doing the right thing looks like — what being the right man looks like — what moving forward in life looks like. What growth in character looks like.
And it looks like nothing is going right.
Thats because my experience in life so far hasn’t taken me beyond whatever I’ve known and wherever I’ve been, and not every Unknown is “Wowzers! Amazing! Beautiful!”, that’s only true in holidays (and even so, the majority follows an ITINARY, visiting places that others have been to before with tripadvisor)
I’m understanding myself better and why I don’t like planned holidays/ road trips — which leads me to remember fondly, how the few of us got lost at the Grampians last year. That had become my favourite road trip in the year, because an unknown was encountered and we overcame. Every bit of my sleeping consciousness was forced to awake and respond to crisis. My energy for the trip actually tripled, and I became thoroughly excited. Is this really how I’m wired? Do only Deadlines and Death bring out the best in me?
The truth is the unknown really parallels to something like embarking on a hike across Antartica, or scaling Mount Everest, or drawing out your own trail in the Amazon, where the dangers are unfathomable. That is where the wild things are, where the wanderlust in a human heart is best fulfilled. When I put my life on the line, that’s where my soul is fully alive. I will continue doing this, I have to, even if it means risking it all, because I will never live/ thrive in an environment where things start to comfortably work for me- I’d only exist. If it takes that much to see the glory of God, may I always be on the edge. If this is the way I respond to how much I want to see God work in my life, may I live in absolute abandonment. If I have to put ‘practicalities’, ‘safety’ and ‘preservation’ aside, I will.
Everyone around me, and I mean everyone, has been chasing the same things. A nice monthly paycheck, a strategy and action plan for the next 3–5 years. “In the next 4 years i’ll have enough money to acquire ______”.
“This bit goes to rent, this bit goes to taxes, this bit goes to my stomache, and this bit for my future. All good!”
Does this shock me? No. Does this excite me? No. Is this what I want for my life? I don’t know. I used to be the boy who runs up first at altar calls, who goes up to speakers at christian conferences to ask for personal prayer and a touch from heaven. I used to be that christian who annoys the hell out of his friends with texts of bible verses, because I believed with all my heart I loved them the way Jesus does, and I show it. I used to pray on my knees. And that was a norm to me. I did not consider God someone I could approach siting comfortably by the desk with a warm cup of coffee. That was my view of God. I wasn’t as shaken/influenced by people around me, because my view of God was clearer than anything else. That fire and vision of God has since matured, but it has wavered as well. I am no longer as excited about life as I used to be, I no longer have that expectation from heaven that a miracle can happen tomorrow- In fact, I’m following everyone else around me, hoping to control and plan tomorrow such that it would run according to what I expect. And when that does happen, friends applaud me for it! Parents say I’m having better responsibility over my life. Ironically, the things that please everyone else around me do not fulfil my heart, and most importantly, they do not give me conviction that God is pleased with what I’m doing.
Truly, does my plan for tomorrow and how it’ll run impress God? Is it even in His will, how it runs? Is He truly proud of me for doing my own insignificant thing, just to please myself and everyone around me? Am I living in his divine will? I can feel my soul start to weep even as I type this, I’m experiencing a real spiritual dissatisfaction. I’m 26 years old, I’ve lived the last 10 years of my life as widely and boldly as I could. I’ve done graphic design, web design, photography, practiced as a musician in church, band led, taught guitar, led cell group, played in a real band, wrote music, gigged on stages around singapore including the esplanade, recorded in a studio, served in the military, worked as a designer, worked in church, worked as a developer, done sound installations, most recently an art show, and now still find myself caught between the upcoming VR world, professional writing and team leading/ managing. Caught. I’m still caught, the only difference is that I have found a way to be caught in the middle of even more things now.
Am I still searching for a way to expand? What else is new out there for me to pursue? Will I end this year deciding to become a medical doctor or an astronaut somehow? Thoughts about faith and life are disorienting in the sense that I would consider dropping out of school to pursue making my life count on this earth, and therefore force me to find new reasons to continue doing what I’m doing. And this is a legit thought, in the eyes of God. In the eyes of Faith- anything can happen. The very nature of God offends the human heart — He is unpredictable, he is fierce, and most of all he is Holy. He is nothing like the human heart, which is bound by needs and wants. And if I now choose to embrace the God who offends the human heart, I must be ready to abandon mine. This is my weight to bear in discerning my calling, and I can expect to have my life re-written more than once by the end of this year.