Look at all that delicious food.

Googling “Pokemon recipe” turns up a bunch of Pokemon inspired recipes like Eevee bento boxes or Pikachu cookies. Fuck that. Eat the Pokemon instead. Here’s 22 recipes for them.

Bulbasaur

Slice the bulbs in half vertically and place cut-side down in a pan coated ith hot oil. Add garlic, and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Leave undisturbed until the bulbs begin to brown on the bottom, then transfer to an oven. Roast until the bulbs are quite brown. Stir in balsamic vinegar and serve hot.

Squirtle

Easiest if purchased pre-cut and cleaned (have you ever tried butchering a Squirtle?). Brown the meat in butter. It will release a lot of water, so cook until most of the liquid has evaporated. Add whatever vegetables and herbs you like. Add veal stock and simmer. Skim any fat that rises. Add lemon juice. A kilogram of Squirtle meat will give you about five servings of Squirtle soup.

Rattata

Rubbed in salt and cumin. Deep fried like cuy, and served over boiled potatoes. Done right, the skin will be crispy. Try not to make eye contact while eating it.

Tentacruel

Marinate in sesame oil, soy sauce, chili oil, and ginger. Stir with cilantro and green onions and top with toasted sesame seeds. Eat it cold.

Magikarp

Olive oil, salt, and lemon juice. Grilled. Peel away the salt-skin layer and feast on flaky flesh.

Krabby

If you mix tomato ketchup and rempah (either packaged or homemade with chillies and shallots), you get a thick sweet-spicy sauce. Heat oil in a wok and fry until its shell turns an even brighter red.

Farfetch’d

Best roasted stuffed with leeks and basted in butter. Tastes like irony.

Cloyster

Takes a bit of work, but the taste is worth it. Blend with cream and mix with butter and eggs. Bake and top with ficille and caviar. Alternatively, eat with a spoon.

Zubat

Don’t eat zubats. They might carry ebola.

Psyduck

Must be sliced to mitigate their psychic effect (if you don’t do this, you end up tripping on psyduck). Rub with ginger and five-spice powder, then roast. Serve on forks with a clementine-pomegranate mixture.

Exeggcute

When exeggcute is ready to evolve, they spin around in a close formation. Wait for them to do this, then slam a lid onto them and hard-boil. Serve over salt and pepper for breakfast.

Pidgey

Pidgey — which is a bit more hawkish than pidgeony — tastes best when seared in butter and then oven-roasted for thirty minutes.

Victreebel

Half pitcher plant, half bittergourd. Rinse and carefully use a spoon to scrape its insides out lest it kill you fugu style. Slice and boil for fifteen minutes for soup.

Beedrill

Deep-fried in large batches. Make sure to remove their stingers. Drizzle honey over them to mask the slight bitterness.

Lickitung

Cut off the tongue and discard the rest — lickitungs are gamey and rubbery. Slice the tongue into bite-sized pieces and slow-cook with onion, garlic, and bay leaf.

Paras

Pluck the mushrooms from its shell and set aside. Mix buttermilk with crab boil seasoning and marinate for an hour. Flour, dredge, and deep-fry. Serve over a bed of lettuce tossed with the mushrooms and lemon wedges.

Tangela

Carefully unwrap the vines from the tangela. Boil for fifteen minutes to soften, then pour into a bowl of men-tsuyu mixed with cold water. Top with shredded nori, green onions, and wasabi.

Shellder

Remove tongue (it’s terribly bitter and rubbery). Saute with garlic, then steam in white wine until the shellder open. The ones that remain closed are ornery bastards and deserve the trash.

Dratini

Poor man’s escargot. Rub with butter, wine, cognac, and garlic. Bake on a bed of salt. Just make sure they don’t evolve halfway through.

Spearow

Make a batter of milk, salt, eggs, and flour. Add a lump of butter, pepper, and salt in each spearow, mix in batter, and boil for an hour for spearow dumplings. Kind of chewy. Make sure to get spearows with good diets, or they end up tasting sort of like seagull.

Snorlax

Why?

Articuno

Roasted and served as a cutlet over chips. An undignified death for a legend, but if you really only want its feathers anyway.


Originally published at LOCALMILK.co.

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