What Does Good Self-Care Even Look Like In A Global Shutdown?

In Response To Messages Saying “Take This Shutdown — And Make Great Opportunities Of It!”

I want to say something right about now:

I will never tell you: you should be doing one thing or another with this “opportunity.” AKA Global Shutdown That We’ve Just Gone Through…

- This photo is some of the messiness I’m enjoying right now, that I don’t post as much as I’ve decided I now want to: eating ice cream I bought in bulk, on the way to buy (more) food, while wearing This Top — ruffles and a giant bow, that I got very very excited about this morning.

As I was saying, I‘m not about to call this pandemic a “wonderful opportunity.”

I‘m not going to tell you, “as part of some group,” or, “being in some type of pandemic situation right now,” that there’s one specific thing you should be doing fast. Especially if you’re someone who lost a job when things shut down, I held myself back from offering you some immediate grand advice. I’ve been seeing more posts with that flavor, every once in a while, and with a second look, they sound flatly cringeworthy — though easy to glaze over in a social media stream. Yes, there are positive sides to anything. And.

My own experience is that I work for myself, and I’m getting support from family. And mostly, those of us who are self-employed and creative have been even worse off than those losing jobs.

So talking about how this is a great opportunity to make even more money is alluring.

Most of us are down (or way down) financially.

Who wouldn’t like to “Just get out of what most are going through, and be that rare person who comes out of turmoil shining” ?

No. There isn’t a next shiny thing that I want you to pump yourself up to do. No less-than-necessary guilt trip that I want you to go on for not having already started one.

Even if you’re lucky enough not to be personally or intimately affected by this pandemic, even if you don’t feel like it’s something to worry about much… we are all affected by strong collective feelings, by other people, even when separated by walls, and by the amount of anxiety in the world right now.

People entertaining or grasping at those possibilities — likely have a lot of privilege, some good luck, and not quite enough connection to community, either to to be affected — or to be a wholly healthy human, especially as we’re seeing less of each other in person.

So there’s that.

***

I want to share some personal experience, because it feels (richly) complex in relation to what I’ve said so far.

After the shock and grief that rocked the world in March, I stopped doing a pretty brand new craft I loved, and had wanted to try for long time — that of energy-work-based bodywork.

I felt shock and grief from the world around me, mixed with echoes of my own from the past.

After a good bit of that (and eating a lot of ice cream), I made a strong effort towards balance by focusing towards the positive. A couple weeks in to the world shutting down, It was a flailing but very determined start.

Since then, I’ve made some progress on things I had previously set aside. And it actually feels so rewarding. Some long-yearned-for clarity around what I’m doing in the world, trying out virtually teaching self-care in the form of touch/self-massage, and loving that(!), putting more attention on a healing and strengthening movement practice, and playing with some basic jewelry wire wrapping, only previously having tried learning it a decade ago.

I’ve done a LOT of throwing myself down and treading water, in the past month+, and in my life. And I’ve been able to create and find a lot of growth in this past month+. Though I’m usually very much for (women especially) bragging and openly celebrating personal triumphs, I have been hesitant to share, even as much as usual, the happiest parts and the hard-won progress I’ve just noticed this past week and a half.

Because I want you to know that I don’t share any of this because I want you to compare yourself in any way, and scramble.

I’ve spent plenty of my life scrambling — towards somewhere, ANYWHERE different.

(Also, being intensely jealous. That’s a whole other article.)

…Slowing down! Enough. In various ways.

is something our current world has not taught us well. I want everyone to have as much of that slowing down as they need to integrate and be deeply energized. (Especially now).

The small joys and markers of progress I’ve experienced lately have been hard-won AND building on a foundation of years-long growth work. They’s also come through my own dark times and what I learned from those (not through avoiding these feelings).

Honestly, it feels like a major win right now to make a comeback from collective anxiety overwhelm. To make it to a net net gain of even an inch of real progress. Even an inch of feeling better more than worse is a pretty great victory. So marking that — and sharing — feels important.

These few forward steps in my journey intensified by distancing, feel legitimately, fully like things to celebrate.

I mean, wow, there’s more than one of them I’ve noticed!

(“Finally!” Part of me wants to say.)

And Hallelujah!

Even an inch of feeling better, more than worse, is pretty great at this moment in history.

However much it might have taken me a global pandemic to finally really focus on some things (yikes!).

However long into this global crisis it has taken me to get back on my feet at all. Getting to noticing an inch of net growth feels like it has involved climbing a tall mountain. Small personal wins in these conditions are worth celebrating, even more than usual. I’ve been feeling so happy about them this past week.

It feels really good, having let myself fall apart more than once in my life, to put some attention right now on What to give? How I can most be of service?

(I’m very grateful to the people I know and have seen online, doing those in big ways, for the hope and inspiration.)

Being in the down side of life has been described to me as trying to wade through molasses.

We’ve got to take lots of breaks to keep going.

Also, being in the down side of life, and falling apart (very possible to choose without the world shutting down, btw, if you haven’t tried that) is as necessary as the opposite, necessary for transformation, and cultivating energy. And for self-knowledge and mental freedom. So if there’s an opportunity of some kind in this… well, I think that’s some of the silver lining value it could have, however much we let it.

So however much it takes for you to go there, however long it takes before you start to come back up at all… I believe the most healing thing you can do right now is say yes — to falling apart, to being messy, to feeling, to doing whatever you’re doing, to being where you are even if you don’t like it, to eating a lot of pasta if that’s your thing too, to just saying “fuck writing gratitudes or looking on the bright side right now…We’ve tried that before.”

Now is not the time to keep trying to pump every bit of juice out of that favorite motivational saying.

If you’re one of those us who do have what we need, give yourself all the leeway, in your home where you’re reading this, to do a bunch of what you most want to, maybe more than you’ve let yourself before. (If you’re into taking internet advice really far, maybe not the hardest drugs.) Foods, naps in spring sunshine that slightly overdo tanning, long baths, try it all those desires. — Among other things, I’ve been spending a lot of time on Facebook. Binge-reading so many different thing is my current favorite intense trip. Also, yes, I see all the people preaching the mentally clarity of unplugging. And for me, it’s mostly just exhausting, and that’s ok.

Even if you’re lucky enough not to be personally or intimately affected by this pandemic, even if you don’t feel like it’s something to worry about… we’re all affected by strong collective feelings, and by other people, even when separated by distance and walls, affected by the amount of anxiety in the world right now.

Some pretty small number of billionaires have gotten a lot more money in this “opportunity“ found in global hardship.

Everything else right now is pretty hard-won.

This progress I’ve made has been definitely hard-won; through having already gone through quite a bit of darkness.

On a deeper level, what I have to thank for these inches of progress in the past month include:

A huge crisis that shook apart my family, and down to my identity, seven years ago. In which my mom got into the worst part of an intense terminal illness that included a hell of a lot of pain, and very little medication to address it… I crashed hard in the wake of her death.

The openings I’ve gained recently started from that intense experience.

They are based on years of personal growth work around relationship and sexuality, some family dynamic work, including in a 12 step program, and really good therapy, that I’ve now done weekly for a full year. It’s been a lot of working through personal trauma, a lot of isolation — starting when I was growing up, keen grief, and dysfunction.

***

And still, I haven’t been through a crisis that feels like this pandemic does. This is new. Still new, and also not short, already.

So I’m taking it easy on myself, to keep healing, I’m really giving myself a long leash. Letting myself enjoy things when I want to enjoy them, and hate some of them when I hate them.