In Defense of Manny Machado

The world of baseball is filled with controversy. Sometimes, that controversy is riveting. It’s fun to see how it will all unfold when rivals brawl, teams refuse to get rid of racist logos (looking at YOU Pittsburgh), or when announcers very rightfully, legitimately, and classily call out opposing players for not wearing socks during batting practice. However, some baseball controversy is so silly, it shouldn’t even be discussed. Lately, one example of this has, for some reason, dominated the baseball headlines: Manny Machado, and whether or not his “dirty play” will limit his earning power during his trip through free agency. But I’m here to tell you something that might shock you (unless, you know, you read the title of the post): Manny Machado is actually a really cool guy who is handsome and is an awesome shuffleboard player and all of this has just been a big misunderstanding. Don’t waste your energy attacking Machado when you could be getting upset at Joe West for making a call that either was or wasn’t incorrect. (Does it really matter?)

Before I begin this impassioned and very convincing plea so you can stop moaning and groaning about Manny Machado, I need to make sure you understand something. This goes without saying, but I am NOT Manny Machado writing this, hahahah. It is imperative that you understand that I am a completely unbiased source. I have no horse in this race — or, in baseball terms, I have no horse to use to trample over first basemen. I am just a good citizen with a song in his heart, and a desire to clear the name of an innocent ballplayer. I hardly even know who Mandy Machado is. So, here are a few things you should know about me, the author:

1. I am definitely not Manny Machado
2. I am not a person who actually is Manny Machado just pretending not to be Manny Machado
3. I am not Bobby Valentine wearing a fake mustache and pretending to be Manny Machado

I mean, I’ve never even watched an Orioles game (and NOT because I was playing in them, and then too busy afterwards having Mark Trumbo sharpen my cleats with an axe to watch any game film). I even used the word “imperative” in the 26th word of the 2nd paragraph (224th word overall). Do you really think Manny Machado, a guy who acts like he’s in 2nd grade half the time, knows what the word imperative means? Or knows how to count to 224? I didn’t learn either of those things until well into high school, and Machado currently can’t even count to 8 without messing up! And there’s no chance he owns a calculator or a thesaurus either. In fact, he probably thinks that a thesaurus is a type of dinosaur, and, to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks dinosaurs still exist. This isn’t to bash him, because again, he is a really cool and handsome guy from what I have heard, and he has also correctly picked every Oscar Winner last year. Bottom line, I am not Manny Machado, and I know what a thesaurus is, so you should listen to me.

I will be the first to admit that Manny Machado isn’t perfect. He has plenty of faults. He always wears his cleats around, even on hard floors, just in case. He read the first three books in Harry Potter, but stopped partway through Goblet of Fire because it was “too long.” He reclines his seat on commercial airline flights. And, worst of all, his favorite movie is Avatar. But Machado also has plenty of good qualities. For example, he recently let a family of weasels take refuge on his head. You don’t see the so-called Heart and Hustle Award Winner Mookie Betts doing that. He’s too busy “helping feed homeless people after a playoff game” and “not telling anyone about it” because he’s “a really good person.” It’s gross. Score one for Machado. And giving those weasels (Manny Jr., Buck Showeasel, and Josh Donaldson Sucks) a home isn’t even the nicest thing Machado did this year. When Manny strode to the plate with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th in the deciding game of the World Series, literally everyone wanted him to strike out in a really embarrassing way to end it. And what did he do? He struck out in a really embarrassing way to end it. He gave us what we wanted, signed, sealed, and delivered. Machado is a man of the people, like Joffrey from Game of Thrones; he wants nothing more than to please you, to let you drink your fill of wine. Sure, sometime’s he’ll stuff a funnel into your mouth and force you to drink so much that you literally die, but at least he cares enough to give you the drink in the first place.

I think I speak for us all when I say it’s abundantly clear that Machado’s positive traits greatly outweigh the negative ones. Which is why I was so shocked to see Manny get the bad press he got this postseason. So, I decided to do some research of my own, and clear up the things Machado has been accused of. I hope that this opens your eyes a bit, and helps you have some empathy. Remember: empathy, empathy, put yourself in the place of me (and by me, I mean Manny Machado, who is not me).

The Johnny Hustle Comments

The incident that seemed to instigate the Machado hate-train was his interview with Ken Rosenthal following a play in the NLCS where he dogged it to first base. Machado told Rosenthal that he’s “not the type of player that’s going to be ‘Johnny Hustle,’” a comment that indicted him in the minds of the masses. People love a player that sprints to first base with reckless abandon and slides headfirst despite it actually slowing them down, and I can’t say I blame them. There’s nothing more fun to watch than a grown man put so much effort into something so futile. But where people thought Machado was saying he didn’t like to hustle, he was actually just being overly literal. This is a character trait that Machado has often been known to display; he’s a guy who tells it like it is. Here are some examples to corroborate this fact:

1. On his job: “I don’t work in the front office. I’m not an agent. I play baseball.” Three consecutive sentences, each one just as true as the last. Manny went 3 for 3 here, just as he did throughout the World Series (assuming that 3 K’s in 3 AB’s equals going 3 for 3).
2. On playing shortstop instead of third: “It’s where my heart has always been.” In the third grade, Machado famously dug a hole at shortstop on his Little League Field, and buried his actual physical heart there. He has played that position ever since.
3. On his ability to give quotes: “I can give you some quotes.” Precisely.

With this background knowledge on Manny Machado and his literal way of speaking, it is clear that his comments about him not being Johnny Hustle were not about his actual physical effort on the field: all he meant was that he is not named Johnny Hustle. Which is true. His name is Manny Machado, and that isn’t even close to Johnny Hustle. Manny and Johnny kind of rhyme, but Machado and Hustle don’t even a little bit. Dr. Seuss wouldn’t touch those words with the 10-foot bat Machado had designed specifically so he could hit catcher’s in the head with his backswing.

This bit of clarification was really smart of Machado to make. If you were just watching any old game without knowing the players, it would be safe to assume that at least one player was named John. In fact, John has been on the list of most common first names in the MLB in every decade since 1880. Diehard baseball and shuffleboard fans would know who Machado is just by looking, but just as many fans would not. They could very easily and wisely assume his name was Johnny, which simply isn’t the case. Further, a quick search for “Hustle” on baseball reference takes you directly to the Pete Rose page. Pete Rose, in case you didn’t know, is BANNED FROM BASEBALL for ILLEGAL GAMBLING when he WORKED FOR THE CINCINNATI REDS. All three of the things I’ve bolded are crimes against humanity of the worst degree. Machado correctly was trying to distance himself from a player known as “Charlie Hustle,” a stain on the game that we can only remove by ignoring until he eventually dies, and then, and only then, lifting his lifetime ban and inducting him into the Hall of Fame.

So yes, I can’t deny that Machado said he isn’t “Johnny Hustle,” but that’s all he really meant by it. His name is not Johnny, nor Hustle, but, in fact, Manny Machado, and he is a great guy who the producers of The Bachelor have tried to get on the show 3 times. He was looking out for his personal brand with these comments, but also doing fans new to the sport a favor, and letting them know who he is. He’s that charismatic and caring, qualities that helped him when he was writing and directing Pixar’s “Inside Out” (98% critic rating on Rotten Tomatoes).

The Takeout Slide of a Pitcher Controversy

Look, I can understand why people might not like this kind of play. Taking the pitcher out with a slide is a brand new baseball strategy that Machado pioneered this season, and the unknown scares people. Whether it be a team utilizing the opener strategy, or a player sliding into a pitcher’s leg with the intent to injure while the pitcher is nowhere near a base, it is our natural human instinct to cry out “dirty play!” And I get that. When the Rays first tried the opener, I was fuming, hoping that someone would make them pay. Alas, they were facing the Angels, so I was left disappointed. But like the opener, this slide was nothing more than an innovation of this great game that just happened to be ahead of its time. Twenty years from now, when the guy who played Paul Rudd’s friend in Ant-Man has starred in a biopic about Manny Machado’s life, the scene about this moment will be the equivalent of Hatteberg’s walk-off for a 20-game win streak in Moneyball. It was a brilliant move that threw the other team completely off-balance, and was well within the confines of the rulebook, especially since-

Wait, this didn’t actually happen? Wow. That totally fooled me. It was really convincing, and seemed pretty in character based on other headlines I’ve read. Um. Well, I guess you can disregard this section. Moving on.

Spiking Jesus Aguilar

Baseball is an incredibly complex, intricate game, which is a big reason why I like it so much. Any given play is influenced by hundreds of factors from earlier in the game, or even from games that were in the past. This pitcher threw a fastball in this count because 9 years ago against the same batter on the same day of the week (Tuesday), he threw a curveball in that count and struck him out, but now the batter will be expecting the curve so he changed it up. It’s insane. For that reason, it is insane that, when Machado and Aguilar collided at first, out of the literally trillions of explanations for why the play went down the way it did, people latched on to the lone explanation that made Machado look like the bad guy. I mean, I could give you two explanations right now that totally prove Machado did Aguilar a R.A.K (random act of kindness).

Explanation #1: There was a scary bug on Aguilar’s ankle, and Machado was squishing it

A big talking point after this play was how Machado and Aguilar have been longtime friends. Think about this for a single minute: Manny Machado is so kindhearted that he was able to break through Buck Showalter’s icy exterior to the point where Showalter said “I never lost sight of how pure he is, what I call the pureness of his baseball heart.” Do you think a person this friendly, amicable, and lovable would intentionally spike his buddy? No. It doesn’t make sense. The media is just trying to make Manny the big bad wolf of this story. But it didn’t fool me, because I read “The True Story of the Three Little Pigs” and I know those little assholes had it coming.

So let me paint you a different picture: Machado was busting it down the line at first so he could ask Aguilar for a cup of sugar when he saw a coupla’ big freaky insects on the big guy’s beefy ankle. These two are such good pals that they know everything about each other. The two of them, along with Steven A. Smith, have spent so many slumber parties together sipping hot chocolate by the fire and gossiping about their crushes. They’ve told each other about their hopes, dreams, secrets, struggles, and, yes, their deepest fears. Aguilar is a big ole’ boy, and it’s no secret that big ole’ boys are often afraid of small things, like teeny tiny wittle bugs. (Source: I am very tall and also afraid of all insects. Especially Heracross.) So, Machado, acting out of instinct to protect his best buddy from his greatest fear, cleated him in the ankle. Did it seem bad? Sure. Was there potential for a terrible injury to Aguilar? You bet. But that was a risk Machado was willing to take. It squished the bug, saving Aguilar from a big fright that would have stalled the game a minimum of an hour and really trashed Rob Manfred’s pace of play goals. Machado was willing to be a villain to protect his friend, and for the greater good of baseball, and that is the truest mark of pure, genuine virtue in this world.

Explanation #2: It is a new therapeutic technique Machado is experimenting with

This one isn’t even that farfetched. How well do you think people were received at first when they were like “Hey, I know. I’m going to boil some stones and then put them on your back. That will make you feel better.” Or when someone decided to stick a bunch of pointy needles all over their patient’s body? That stuff is way more cruel than stepping on someone, but now they’re commonly accepted therapeutic practices. Machado is simply taking those methods, and giving them a baseball-oriented twist. It might not be well received now, but in a few thousand years when the kings who rule the earth during the 6th Ice Age stay limber by having the peasants cleat them in the ankles, then you’ll see. Plus, I think it’s admirable that Machado is trying to expand his horizons. He isn’t going to be tied to down to just baseball. His other interests and hobbies (physical therapy and massage practices, spikeball, holding a charity bowling event just so people can know he is worse at it than Mookie Betts) matter to him, and I think that is commendable. He is the renaissance man that we can point our children to, and him trying an experimental new healing method on Aguilar is just the latest example.

I could give you hundreds of these (a ghost possessed him, it was A-Rod’s fault, they were playing “everything is lava except for Jesus Aguilar’s ankles,” it was a prank, slipped on a banana peel, it was A-Rod’s fault), but for some reason, you’ve all decided to hone in on the narrative that pins Machado as bad. Check your bias, because it’s tipping worse than Luis Severino.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, this is one baseball controversy that doesn’t need any more attention. We’re all giving our attention to Machado’s hustle when we could be talking about more important things like the Marlins new uniforms, how the Mariners might be really racist, or how the White Sox have never won a World Series or even a single baseball game (hard to believe, but also true). And let me remind you, this is all centered around a guy who, if you ignore the many other times he has done similar things, has no prior history of doing bad stuff. Sure, he may have ruined Dustin Pedroia’s career, knocked a few too many catcher’s in the head, and thrown his bat at Josh Donaldson (Conspiracy Theory: Billy Beane buttered the bat handle), but those are clearly more anomalies than a consistent pattern of being a douche. Manny Machado has become a martyr, and dammit, he doesn’t deserve it. If none of that convinces you, then the face that the Yankees, a franchise of class and dignity, are pursuing him absolutely should change your mind. The Yankees haven’t won a World Series since 2009, but you never would know talking to a fan of the team whether they had won 1 or some random number like 27. You tell a Yankees fan about who won the World Series this year, all they can say, “Class and character over anything else.” If that kind of franchise wants to sign Machado for a deal more lucrative than the entire payroll in Rays franchise history, who are we to judge? Manny Machado is a good person.

I am (not) Manny Machado, and I approve this message.