Come Again? Orgasm privilege, casual sex, and female pleasure
Lauren Ingram

An interesting article. I saw the title and I knew I had to read it. I have always been fascinated about sexual experiences from both sides. It is interesting at how little communication there is between partners while there is so much research and literature on the subject.

Now, while I applaud your effort to take on this subject I very much disagree with much of your conclusions. It seems that you are a bit embittered toward the subject, not of your own experience, but in feminist support of those who are not as blessed as you. Here are some conclusions I have found thru my life of research and experience.

Some women can have multiple orgasms. In my early years I was capable of having 2, but not since my 30s. I dated one woman years ago that would have 10 orgasms during a single session. I was often jealous of that ability.

Some women have extreme difficulty in having an orgasm. I had one partner that I did everything in the book for 2 hours and still she could not orgasm. The only place she could regularly orgasm was by herself in the shower using a handheld shower head.

Some women find themselves to be incapable of having an orgasm at all, by any means, solo or with a partner, male or female. Nothing worked. They still enjoyed sex, but they did not know what an orgasm was.

Not all orgasms are created equal. Some women have explosive orgasms with full body muscular spasms, even to the point of blacking out. Some squirt fluid, some scream. Yet some are very quiet and show no evidence of a true orgasmic experience.

The one true thing is that the one person most responsible for having an orgasm or not is yourself. If you are unable to give yourself an orgasm then you cannot expect a partner to give you one. No partner can GIVE you an orgasm, a partner can only ASSIST you in achieving your own orgasm. If you do not want to have an orgasm, you won’t have one. If you are not psychologically prepared to enjoy your sexual experiences then you are destined to a series of unsatisfying experiences, regardless of the skill or attention that your partner provides.

Your statement of the boyfriend that felt bodily fluids were ‘disgusting’ and always needed to shower off after sex gives me pause as well. While I do not share this view I have learned from personal experience when I did not ‘clean up’ after sex that I contracted a painful yeast infection. Had I properly cleaned myself afterward this would not have happened. Equally a woman needs to clean herself as well, in fact it is recommend that a woman try to urinate after sex to help clear the urinary tract and prevent UTI. Yes, bodily fluids left unchecked can become unhealthy. It takes some education to know what steps to take to protect your health, which should always be your number one concern.

The statement that men do not find the female body or the female genitalia attractive is a falsehood, as a generality. I am sure there are men out there that feel that way, possibly gay, possibly raised in an abusive or religiously overbearing house. The oppositional proof is found in the amount of media, pornography, art, literature etc that focuses on the female body including the vulva, vagina and clitoris. Tame pornography like Playboy used to avoid direct imagery of the vagina, generally focusing on the breast, hips, butt and pubic region. Over the past 30 years pornography has become more inclusive of these regions, many publications showing full penetration. These images would not become so mainstream if the men who purchased the media did not want to see it.

By the way, you say that most men do not know where the clitoris is. I posit that most women do not fully know the clitoris either. Research has shown that the clitoris is not just the small ‘nub under the hood’ at the top junction of the labia surrounding the vagina, but in fact is an ‘organ’ that starts there and reaches deeper inside the female pelvis and has ‘legs’ that wrap around the vaginal opening. It is these ‘legs’ that are stimulated during penetrative sex. The clitoris is often stimulated by the partners pelvis during thrusting. There are books and sexual positions that discuss how best to manage this dual stimulation. Although most people simply focus on direct stimulation of the small exposed end of the clitoris thinking this is all there is to it.

There are books written about cunnilingus, so there is definitely a fascination with how to properly stimulate a woman orally. In many porn videos the male partner shows great gusto in orally stimulating a woman’s vagina, clitoris and anus. So, the statement that men find women’s genitalia unappealing could not be farther from the truth.

Although, this discussion does not take into account cultural and religious upbringing. Some cultures, and religious sects, teach that the external female genitalia is unattractive. In fact many of the perpetrators of female genital mutilation are women themselves trying to pass on their cultural traditions to their daughters or young women in their tribe; it is not always perpetrated by men against women.

That discussion can open a can of worms about culture, religion and sexual abuse thru out history. Yes, we come from a predominantly patriarchal society that has tried to control women. Most modern cultures have abandoned these practices and beliefs as similarly having abandoned idol worship and human sacrifice. We as a people are growing up.

Finally, most men feel that they have failed as a sexual partner if they have not ‘given’ their partner a full blown orgasm. To this point many women will fake an orgasm to help their partner ‘feel’ good about their experience together. Sometimes these women do so to simply end the session as they know they are not in a mental state to have an orgasm. Some women are truly with the wrong partner and should move on. Again, the responsibility of having an orgasm rests squarely on your shoulders. As many have said before, it takes knowing yourself and what makes you feel good, and communicating this effectively with your partner. If you cannot talk about it with your partner then you should probably move on.

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