Precious little to hold on to…

How precarious is this balance

You spend hours, days, weeks, months, years building it

And with the slightest of breeze, it falls apart

How precarious is this balance

This strong front — the façade

That with the slightest of touch, it crumbles to dust

How precarious is this balance

Finely maintained with a mix of self-care and self-indulgence

That the slightest of external influence can tip it in the wrong direction

You run, you work out, you find a creative outlet

You stop smoking, you cut down drinking

You carve out a safe space and you try to build a support structure

You constantly remind yourself not to be too hard on yourself

But in doing all of this, that is exactly what you end up doing

You beat yourself up trying to keep up with everything you’re doing

The alarm never rings later than 5 AM, but no amount of time is ever enough

You struggle with consistency, but you tell yourself you cannot give up

And while you keep up the fight

You cannot ignore the little know-it-all bug sitting there saying

“You were never fit to fight this fight anyway, why not just give up?”

You seem like you’ve got it all together

But what is not seen or realized is the infinite struggle to get anything done

And then you wonder — why am I always so tired?

So you put on some more concealer and you go to the next show

You fumble, you fall, you make some stupid decisions

You give in to what you know is not the answer, or even a small piece of it

But you play along anyway

Till just like that, with the slightest of push

It all comes tumbling down

And you realize, just how precarious your balance was

And you realize, you’ll have to start from the beginning again

And you’re tired, but not tired enough to give up.

Not yet.