There is an other side.

Krati Mittal
Jul 30, 2017 · 3 min read

Alone. A-l-o-n-e. Every letter feels increasingly heavy, bringing with it a heightened sense of discomfort. Even the tongue doesn’t roll complete.
What is so undeniably depressing about this word? Like the world has attached all its uncertainties and fallacies with it. Madness, sadness, incomplete, unwanted, just some of the words associated with it and its overuse has killed any of the remaining perception of individuality to the word.

Personally, I’ve always resented it, ended up doing pretty-serious, silly stuff just to avoid being linked with it and still, haven’t stopped feeling its after effects (read: astray, confused, depressed, maniac).
Somehow, it is what I have always been, feeling so incredibly lost in the whole wide world. Until now. Until the realization came, all-at-once.

Nestled quietly in a Crossword store, with the backdrop of a gloomy day and the sky grieving like the insides of me, my reality was reflected out in the open. With a book in hand and too many on the table, my mind was away. What was this constant feeling of hopelessness, I couldn’t shrug off? Playing this over and over in my mind, I found myself looking at my hands. Nothing deliberate, just looking. And then, it happened. The weariness started giving way to a strong-founded belief that I am all that is. I am here, I am so perfect in this moment right now, I’m alone and it doesn’t terrify me anymore. It makes me believe that I don’t need anyone to fill in with small talk or interrupt me with flattery, because suddenly, being alone feels oddly satisfying. It was as if in a moment, I suddenly grew up. Like that feeling of anxiety was actually my heart racing to break open the gates of juvenility and this is the other side. The side where alone starts encompassing your comfort zone. The side where you look up in the mirror and don’t find yourself saying I hate you, with a frown. The side where the messiness of your soul is embraced and your mind wants your heart to be friends. This other side is the start of a life-long revolution that will disappoint you at times and embarrass you at others but always end up in laughing, because you will know. You will begin to know the whys of your ‘wtfs’ and hows of your ‘wheres’. You will never get tired of exploring it because you will never want to quit it.

When you finally arrive at this side, a light will be thrown in the faces of people around you and when they shine brightly in the glow of who they are, you will decide if you want to keep them or not. When you start staying in this side, you will start to notice how black is turning grey in some places and it will make you realize where you need to go back to. Always. When you start enjoying this side, you’ll start forgetting the nights you sleep well. And, just sometimes, when this side feels heavy, you will let it be what it wants to be rather than numbing the pangs of rejection and failure. It might come like it did to me, who believed that there was only one side or it will come like autumn, slowly evading your soul with old leaves brushing away but trust me, when it comes, you will never be the same again. I have been a slave to my mind and believed that I had seen it all, desperately wanting to get over with life but I urge you to wait for this, over-simplistic, extremely comfortable phase of your life, this side, where you will realize that the past is funny and alone is beautiful.

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