Dear “Insecure in Love,”
Look, contrary to how you think we feel, we do want to love and care for you. The problem is that you take all of our love and care, discount it or disbelieve it, toss it out the window, and then turn around and immediately grabble for more.
Being insecure and looking to others for the solution makes you a bucket full of holes, desperately yearning to be continuously refilled by everyone else — rather than fixing your emotional hemorrhage.
The more others invest, the more just seeps out. It’s bottomless and endless, and that’s why it’s exhausting.
A secure person maintains their own love (self-esteem), and they hold love from others. Loving them is easy.
Secure people don’t need continuous input and reassurance. Their “love bank” is almost always full.
The solution to insecurity is never to add more love. The solution is to stop the hemorrhaging.
Self esteem doesn’t come externally. It comes from you.
You look to us instead of taking responsibility for your love
Every. single. moment. of your life that you spend trying to pull love from us is a moment you’ve wasted getting what you want.
“Truth is, being insecure… does not make her ‘exhausting’.”
Uh, no. Truth is, it does. That’s our emotion regarding the matter, so it’s for us to fucking decide, not you.
“Men cannot handle giving a little bit more in a relationship.”
We want to give more! But it’s never just “a little bit more;” it’s endlessly and always “a little bit more.” (And more. And more.)
And we fucking loathe dumping our love into a bottomless pit.
Insecurity isn’t an insult. But it is a problem.
“Being called insecure is always used as one of the worst ways to criticize or hurt a woman.”
No, not always. That’s your insecurity getting defensive.
Insecurity is a simple assessment — and the first step to a constructive conversation about you getting enough love.
“We get branded with this label because men...”
No. You get “branded” the label of insecure because you are insecure.
“We are talked down to… because we feel pain.”
We’re not talking down to you — again, that’s your projection.
That aside, our issue isn’t that you feel pain. Our issue is that your bottomless pit is painful for us.
You cause your own pain
“Somewhere along the way we just accepted that we are less than, not as deserving, not worthy.”
Yep. And now you’re making it our problem to confront that baggage and convince you otherwise, despite the fact that you’re so hellbent on “accepting” it.
“Being insecure… makes her want to be the best that she can be.”
No. Being insecure makes her want others to continuously re-tell her she’s the best she can be.
“Before you, someone made her doubt herself and her worth.”
Her. That “someone” is her.
Maybe it was once someone else too, but the “someone” continuing to do that now is her.
“Insecure women… have just been silenced by those who are not willing to accept responsibility.”
Them. “Those” people are them.
You alone are in control of your mindset, and you alone are responsible.
“Insecure women… would never want anyone to feel the way they do. They would never want to chip away at a person.”
No, because they’re too busy incessantly chipping away at themselves, and expecting others to constantly build them back up.
“Someone failed to compliment her on the days she needed it most and pushed her fears to one side, someone failed to stand up and be the man she needed, the man she deserved.”
Oh, well jeezuz fuck. The world is not here to rush to your aid every time you have a boo-boo, and neither is your partner.
Be your own “person you deserve.”
Know what you can and cannot ask from us
“Tell her… that she is more beautiful than anyone who passes you.”
So. Lie to her? You shouldn’t want to be lied to.
There is no “most beautiful.” Chasing that, or asking us to placate you, only causes heartache.
“Promise her that no matter how hard it gets you will not give up on her.”
Nobody can promise this. If you hold out for this or make people commit to it, you are asking too much and risking unnecessary heartache.
“Love them, because being insecure is not the worst thing a woman can be.”
Holy shit, what a horrific argument. Spoken like a true toxic partner.
“Love them, even when they cannot love themselves, even when they push you away.”
This. This right here is the core issue. This is the bucket with holes. This is the exhaustion, and why we throw in the towel.
Here is what we can commit to:
“Pull her in close and remind her how much you love her. Make her feel noticed, special and adored. Never use her insecurities against her; never make her feel bad for having them in the first place.”
Physical affection, adoration, care — easy. Done.
“You will pay attention to those quiet moments when her thoughts are somewhere else and pull her in close to press your lips to her head when all she needs is the feel of your skin against hers.”
Yes. We can and will. Done.
“Loving an insecure woman quite simply means having a heart and learning to see the world through her eyes. And I’m not saying it will be easy, I am not saying the fears will always be rational, but to her they are the most real thing in the world; they are the truth.
Yes. Everyone is entitled to their own reality and feelings, and love includes honoring other peoples. Done.
“Accept that we are not always the ‘cool girl’ who will down ten shots and flash her tits.”
Well, that escalated quickly. Who the fuck said anything about tits?
Nobody’s asking you to be the “cool girl.” (Not to mention that “the cool girl” doesn’t down shots and flash her tits, but that’s besides the point.)
No shots or tits? Fine.
Here is all we ask in return:
Honor our love. This means believing it, and being satiated by it. Don’t be a leaky bucket constantly seeking reassurance.
Meaning, most importantly: love yourself more than the love you demand from others.