Oral Sex Is Not The Measure Of A Partner

Especially when that partner is not our own

Music artist DJ Khaled recently admitted in a radio interview that he doesn’t perform oral sex on his wife, and now for some reason The World feels personally victimized by DJ Khaled.

Responses include but are not limited to,

Guys, do you realize that you do not personally have sex with DJ Khaled?

Like, for real, he could’ve said that he likes to leave all the lights on, or can only orgasm while listening to Kenny G, or has a weird, uncontrollable compulsion to constantly go down on his wife, and none of this makes any difference whatsoever to us, as people who do not personally have sex with DJ Khaled.

The only person who needs to like DJ Khaled’s opinion is DJ Khaled’s partner.

Who decided oral sex was so important?

Somewhere along the way, we seem to have all decided that performing oral was some holy barometer of “being a worthy partner.”

User @grownmanishpod polled,

In response to these results, user @JessLuvsDonuts declared,

And in response to that, user @OsamuonameO asked a pretty obvious question:

And yeah, I side with that.

Writer Dalyce Lazaris offered a guide on “what it actually means to be the ‘chill girl,’” (because we’re all stressin over such a thing, apparently.) She asserts that “chill” can include things like “being flexible about which movie to watch together” (oh thank god; at least we’ve got the important shit covered), but draws an ALL CAPS line in the sand on the matter of oral sex by asserting:

“Being chill SHOULD NEVER be exemplified by accepting that your partner just doesn’t perform oral sex.”

Say what now? Says who? You? On what basis?


What if you prefer plain ole P-in-V vanilla? THEN WHAT, DALYCE???

And “Steve, 25” generously offered up this simple rule of thumb on oral sex as an easy measure of the relationship:

“Truth is, if he doesn’t think your cunt’s delicious, he’s not that into you.”

And, wow. I mean, that’s pure poetry…

This is the exact sort of shit that’s just setting women up to be anxious about yet another thing

Like “oh, fuck — that stranger on the internet said a dude isn’t into me if he doesn’t go down, so now that’s Another Thing I Have To Have. I can’t sleep at night until I can rest assured he loves me, as measured by his willingness to perform specific sex acts.”


Not only that, but we’ve made “performs oral” a barometer of a dude’s character overall.

I think we all recall Lisbeth Salander assessment of Mikael Blomkvist in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo:

“Sometimes he performs cunnilingus on her. Not often enough, in my opinion.”

Well, who the hell asked your opinion on his sex life, Girl Who Is Not (Yet) His Sexual Partner?

I mean, she is being asked to share her thoughts on the dude in this scene, but this is the most important thing she needs to share? This is what’s offered as summary of his character?

Oral sex is not a 1:1 barometer of a good partner

Or person.

I’ve dated great partners who perform oral.

I’ve dated dudes who loved performing oral sex (some even more than I cared to receive it, which was fucking weird and, frankly, pretty off-putting) and were fucking terrible partners.

And I’ve dated absolutely amazing human beings who, for whatever reason, just don’t like doing it. And that’s fine.

My currently partner doesn’t go down on me, and I literally do not care. To be fair, it was never my favorite thing to begin with. But that aside, he is the best partner I’ve ever had, and my measurement of satisfaction — in bed and in general — doesn’t hinge on a single sexual act.

That, and I respect his boundaries as a human being.

Nobody should be demanding oral from anybody

Doing so is just cheap, disrespectful and brimming with insecurity.

Making oral a tit-for-tat exchange, or some kind of “short cut” to see if he’s sexist or selfish, is dumb

Maybe he is sexist. Maybe he is selfish. Maybe he does find it gross.

But forcing him to do it when he doesn’t want to — for whatever reason — doesn’t actually resolve the underlying issue. It only covers it up and creates weird, abstracted problems. If you think your partner is selfish or sexist, then address the mindset, not the motions.

“Coercion” is not “care”

You want equality and kindness between genders? Then respect other people’s boundaries!

Stop and consider the obvious question here:

How would you feel if a dude demanded oral sex from you?

“Men DO demand oral!”

First of all: wanting or enjoying oral sex is not the same as demanding it. I have never once been with a partner who literally demanded oral sex (or swore he could only orgasm from oral.)

If you ARE with a dude who DOES demand it, then:
That’s a respect problem that should be resolved on its own, not “balanced out” by you demanding oral as well. (And if he can’t get over himself, then you should leave.)

“But I can’t orgasm without oral”

Either that is a lie, or you are completely out of tune with your own body.

Because saying that you “can’t orgasm without oral” means that you can’t bring yourself to orgasm during masturbation. Is that true?

Are you truly telling me that you can’t bring yourself to orgasm on your own through masturbation?

Like, every time you’re aroused you have to beg or plead or hope that some other living person goes down on you? Come on!

If that’s truly the case, get your shit together, sister, and figure out how to give yourself physical pleasure, damn. Not being able to cum without cunnilingus is literally the opposite of okay. You have to be able to pleasure yourself, not put the responsibility for your pleasure solely in other people’s hands (or mouths.)

“I can orgasm on my own, but not with a partner”

See above. You are out of touch with your own body.

Yes, it’s true that many women can’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. But “P in V” and “oral” are not the only two sex acts, and there are other options that don’t involve coercing our partners.

“You’re offending me!”

I’m not surprised. But that doesn’t make me wrong.

“I am a queen!”

Girl, no.

People with solid self esteem don’t need to subjugate their partners or have their status reaffirmed through specific sex acts.

Only cheap, flimsy “power” comes from shit like this.

Oral sex is not the measure of a good partner

“Good partner” is about bigger things.

The real offense that DJ Khaled made was when he got into super sexist jargon like it’s 1951. But again — we are not in his relationship. So whatever.

You do you, boo boo. Stay in your lane, and watch your shit. And when it comes to monitoring for good partners, watch for the right things.

Good partners care about their partner’s sexual satisfaction, yes. That is true. But good partners also care about their partners enough to treat them with the basic consideration that they expect.