Your Partner’s Pleasure Isn’t About You

It’s first theirs and not yours

This post is a bit left-field with no real catalyst or back story, other than it’s an overall important message:

Sometimes we do this thing where usurp our partner’s pleasure — in particular, their orgasm (if they have one, we make it about us. If they don’t have one, we make it about us. If they have one, we wonder if it was “good enough,” or if we could “make” them have another) but also really anything.

We take what isn’t ours.

When we meet or gently exceed our partners’ expectations for pleasure, that’s fine. The problem arises when we make their pleasure more about us than them, when we take what’s innately theirs and see it as a testament to our “abilities” to please them.

Sometimes this IS how pleasure looks

Look, good physical intimacy can look ordinary. When you’re in a long-term relationship, sex may not need to involve hanging from the rafters and antics you see in porn — that’s not to say it can’t; I’m not telling any of you that you can’t get your freak on — but if you’ve been with the same person for a while and you’re still shoving them around trying to get the same reactions out of them… unless they want this, too, please stop.

Like, I really enjoy drinking beer. I’ve been drinking beer for like a decade, and I still enjoy it. But you won’t see me going into ecstasies over it. I just want to drink it. (And in fact, my preference is light, even “boring;” something I can depend on and come back to time and time again, without needing to prep and plan and primp over it.) Same with food.

And, for some people, same with physical intimacy.

That’s not to say we can’t appreciate the occasional interesting brew — some pumpkin ale or a sour or whatever — but we don’t need that every night when a lager or pilsner does the job just fine.

And the same goes for physical intimacy.

I don’t even just mean “kink,” though I’m sure this is how this reads. This could be as simple as a back massage — if your partner doesn’t want one, then drop it. It’s not their job to “be a body” at which you can prove yourself effective and “good” at pleasure.

It’s not a matter of pleasure — it’s a matter of personal boundaries; understanding the line between where you stop, and they begin.

“But what if they could be MORE pleased?”

I mean, sure, it’s possible.

But before we ask that: you sure this is really about your partner and not you?

Because sometimes we do this thing where we lose track of our emotional boundaries in the bedroom. We blur the line between what’s ours and what’s our partners, and we forget that their pleasure is not our domain.

We are a guest with their body. It is not our gadget for optimization — unless they want that.

And I know what you’re thinking: who wouldn’t want more pleasure? This must be some kind of insecurity hang-up!

But sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes when we order a lager, we just want a damn lager. We don’t want the waiter to come back with a spiked rainbow unicorn milkshake with song and dance — even if he swears we’ll find it “exciting.”

Your partner’s pleasure is their domain

And what they want from it is first their call.

Trying to coerce a partner into anything, even if it’s “pleasurable” for them, is as off-putting as trying to push anything else on them. Trying to coax them into anything they don’t need by saying it’s “for them” (when it’s really for you and/or your ego) is just cringe-worthy.

Be intimate with your partners as people and meet them head to head. Accept the intimacy that they offer and are excited for.


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