How My Bernie Sanders Stickers Got Me Pulled Over In Arkansas!
About a year ago, I found myself sitting on the hood of an Arkansas State Trooper’s car while 3 officers went through all of my shit in my car. Let’s Tarentino the story. I was on tour with the girl I was dating at the time and we driving from Dallas to Memphis, so we had to go through Arkansas. Even if I’m going to Little Rock, I look for a way around most of Arkansas! I got pulled over for going 7 over the speed limit. Look the Earth spins at about 1000 mph, in the grand scheme of things is this really that big of a deal. So I go through the standard processing of things. License, Registration, what ethnicity are you? Standard. A second officer now shows up on the scene.
So while I’m being questioned by Officer 1, my girl was talking to Officer 2. Now I have 4 different Bernie Sanders stickers on my car. Which makes me a super communist in the state of Arkansas. I have all your freedoms and I ain’t givin’ em back! He looks at her says “So Bernie Sanders? What do you think he’s gonna do?” And she replies “I don’t know it’s my boyfriend’s car!” Throws me right under the fucking bus! So we switch spots and Officer 2 looks at me and says “Bernie Sanders huh? What do you think he’s gonna do?”
Well I’m not on his campaign payroll so I can’t give you an accurate answer. But from what I’ve heard his ideas sound pretty good!
And he goes “Yeah, you know I think people don’t really understand what socialism. Cops are a socialist program and so are roads, EMTs, social security.”
Ye-yeah! Wait what? In Arkansas those words came out? Are you the only progressive liberal in Arkansas? And you just happened to show up to the place that I’m probably going to get arrested. You’re like a unicorn! I took selfie to prove to people that he was real! I’m an Agnostic and a Skeptic, but after meeting that I’m like “Big Foot maybe, his photo was blurry too”
So they asked to search my car and I said no. And then they asked me if there was something they should be worried about…No, nothing you should be worried about but we have everything to be worried about! They decided they’re going to call in the dogs. Which is legal. They can call the dogs whenever they feel it to be necessary. But the dog has to be there by time they run our tags, which they did figured they had all time time in the world. They have 2 of us, and one of us already tried to start the revolution with their fellow officer. We waited 10 minutes for dog to show up. And doesn’t show up in a official police van. It shows up in Windowless White Van, and a man in cargo shorts walks out. The guy looks at me and points to the dog.
“This is Andy”
What? Not even Officer Andy? I don’t know this dog! You could’ve just gone to the park, and said “We need your dog to save freedom!” Of course you’re going to lend your dog to save freedom! Even Lassie didn’t do that! She saved the same shitty kid from the same shitty well every week! I’m looking at this dog going “What’s he all about? What’s his badge number? Is he liberal, conservative or progressive? What’s his record in the game? What’s his stance on immigration? And why we letting dogs vote before black people!”
DISCLOSURE: I didn’t say any of things out loud. I’m convicted, not stupid.
Officer 1 says “We’re going to see if there’s residue on the outside of your car.”
Oh you don’t know how drugs work. No one’s been doing drugs and said “I’m about to feel something, but I want my vehicle to feel the same way! Let me just rub a little heroin here” At that point you’ve had enough drugs for the day. So Andy sniffs the front and gets to Trunk and gets excited and sits down. Officer 1 look at me and says, “See that the Dog sat down!”
Yeah pretty common trick for a dog to do. So a 3rd cop arrives on the scene and they’re going through the whole car. It was interesting as to what they searched. Like I said my girl was a musician and they took out her acoustic guitar and gave it to her so they wouldn’t break it.
What is this your first day? Do you know how many guns Antonio Bandares hid in a guitar in Desperado. One of them was a Bazooka! That’s the first thing you should’ve checked. Get out of my Teddy Grahams.
They find a bag with a pipe and less than an 8th of an ounce of weed. Officer 3 finds the bag and asks “Who bag is this?” And we said nothing. That’s the only thing I’ve learned from the show cops is that you keep your mouth, because those guys always have an excuse. Even when the cops find you making Meth in your methlab, they’re like ‘Oh no this is just a chemistry set!’ Oh but I can see you making methanphetamines in front of my eyes. ‘These are just cave rocks. I’m gonna go rub this on my car.’
Officer 3 has the nerve to ask “Are y’all really going to make this a big deal over this small amount of weed?”
We’re making the big deal? If y’all are out here to prevent more dangerous drugs from being trafficked out there’s probably a highway full of it! There’s probably a truck with a mobile heroine lab, being processed by illegal Chinese slave immigrants, being bagged by tiny Mexican kids, probably over the weight limit, skipped a weigh station and going 80 in a 65! That’s 5 things you can catch them but by all means let’s spend an hour in cold and make such a big deal over that small amount of weed.
I should’ve looked him and said “We’re all stressed let’s fire up that bowl and all chill out for minute and talk about this.”
They took the weed and the pipe, which to me is evidence that they smoked it. Because what an embarrassing thing for them right. There’s probably a cop like “We got a crack ring. $200,000 in drugs! What did you guys get?”
“$18, and a glass pipe shaped like an elephant. So $32.”
What’s amazing about all this is that this is first time my race wasn’t an issue when I got pulled over. It was my political affiliation and number of bumper stickers I have! Which is the sign of progress.
Originally published at ramannoodlescomedy.com on January 11, 2017.