A Letter To My Molester
I’m pretty sure this letter as well as the steps that I’ve decided to take towards my recovery will generate some negative responses, I know I’ll lose so called friends & phony family. But I want you to understand that I don’t care how anybody feels about the hidden truth or if they choose not to speak to me.
It’s not about you, it’s not about them & it’s not about being accepted by those who care nothing about me. It’s ONLY about Krissie being able to move on & live a normal, healthy life. I’m the only victim. I’m the only one hurting.
I’m the ONLY one with any right to be angry. But I’ve been angry for way too long. I’ve been angry because I’ve been harboring something that isn’t my fault. I’m angry because you continue to smile in my face like it never happened. I’m angry because I have a beautiful daughter that’s the same age I was when you decided to try to steal my innocence & I fear for hers.
I’m angry because I’m with a man that loves my children dearly yet I don’t fully trust them to be loved by him the way I once thought you loved me. I used to admire & look up to you, I had so much love & trust for you, but now all I feel is hate & the only thing I see is a conniving monster that only looks good on the outside.
All these years later those memories of betrayal still bring tears to my eyes because I remember so clearly like it was only yesterday. I remember the very first time, I woke up thinking something was crawling in my panties & there you were lying on the side of the bed like I couldn’t see you so I rolled over & balled up under the cover until you left.
I remember all the times I dodged being alone with you. I remember the time the whole family was over for a gathering & I went inside to make a plate & you came up while I was sitting at the bar rubbing on my undeveloped breast & told me to shush.
I remember you trying to bribe me with your money to let you do things to me. And even worse, I remember telling my mom & as much as she told me she knew it was true because of the things you’d done to her & her sisters, her first response was, “please don’t tell your dad”.
Those words & the look on her face left me so confused, disturbed & alone. Yes, I know too many disgusting stories about things that you’ve done long before me. Having sex with your biological daughters, fondling your step daughters, having sex with your wife’s nieces & cousins. Oh let’s not forget knocking up your 12 year old daughter.
My mom was supposed to protect me & not only did she not even try, but she kept me around you knowing how you were. For years I’ve held so much hatred towards my mother for allowing history to repeat itself. I’ve questioned God, asking how she could possibly love me, asking why she let it go so easily, asking why He placed me in her care & why He allowed me to go through it by myself.
But I was too young to realize you were to blame for her lack of common sense & inability to truly love. My mom was a victim just as myself & had been through double the same affliction, forced to live with & accept a child molester who was supposed to be a father to her. I cry out for her because she was broken way before I was in existence.
I can’t even imagine how that affected her mentally. But I now understand that her fucked up past is what prevented her from protecting her own child because she was & still is too weak to confront the people she considers parents.
You’re a sick bastard, but your wife, her mother, my grandmother is even sicker for allowing her to experience such grief, keeping her unprotected, raising her up in your home, staying with you & covering up all the horrible things you’ve done to so many innocent girls including her own.
She showed them that no matter what you did or who you did it to it was okay as long as nobody else knew. That doesn’t make it ok, that’s bullshit & it’s sick. People’s lives have been ruined while you continue to live your pretend picture perfect fairy tale & bash everyone around you.
Unlike everyone else, I don’t need you. I don’t want you. I don’t need your acceptance. I don’t need your money. I had to deal with you as a child, but I no longer have to fake & put up with you. I’m sure you thought I forgot & you may have thought you broke me, but unlike the rest of your victims instead of acting like it never happened I faced it, I fought it & I sought help.
I’m a McClodden & that means I’m stronger, I’m wiser, I’m braver, I’m a fighter. I was raised by a man who like all of us has his faults, but he’s always owned them & you’ve always criticized him.
You can continue to say whatever you want, but my dad has always been there for us & you can’t ever say he took advantage of little girls. And since you think he’s not let me be the one to tell you Terry McClodden is more of a man, father & husband than you can NEVER be.
Everyone’s always asking what’s wrong with Krissie, why she so shut off, why she so angry, why she so disrespectful. If you’ve had a chance to read this letter I don’t wanna ever hear those questions EVER again.
– Kristal “Red Velvett” McClodden