I have experienced a change of heart. I felt a twinge of it as soon as I used the words “obviously” and “desire” and “goal” in one of my recent emails to you. It is not true that it was a desire or a goal to get into a romantic relationship with you again. It was a desire and a goal to make up my mind, I have realized. To be sure of what I wanted. I wasn’t pressuring myself to know immediately, but I was searching and staying open. I was meditating and pondering. I knew I had to come to a decision, and I was listening to my heart.
And my heart has changed its course.
I need to apologize for using certain words, as I know they gave you a sense of certainty that we would indeed be moving forward with this thing. I did feel like that at one time. But I need to stop meeting you and texting you and exchanging meaningful squeezes with you. It is completely giving mixed signals, to both of us. Because it feels good, at the time. But it’s not what I want. This thing we had been pursuing, it is no longer right for me. I am moving on.
I need to make myself as clear as possible.
There are feelings between you and me, and a history now, that make unencumbered friendship impossible. So that, too, is off the table, in its current form.
I am so grateful — more than you may realize at the moment — for your being in my life through an exceptionally difficult season. You have been so good to me, so very beautiful and important, so supportive and caring. I have felt loved unconditionally for the first time in a decade.
That is no insignificant thing.
Your presence touched my family, too, when everyone was grieving. And it means the world to me that you got to meet my mother, and she you. She loved you. Everyone loves you.
But however hard this decision may be for both of us, however painful, it is infinitely less painful than being out of alignment with what the Universe really has in store for us. There is no point fighting it (although I have, believe me). Whatever is meant to be, will be. And I have to go with what my heart says on repeat, even if my brain tries to talk me out of it sometimes.
I would so love to get that USB stick from you with the video of my mom on it. And you have a few items here at my place… let me know when would be a good time to exchange those things.