Comparison is the Theft of Joy
“Comparison is the thief of joy” — Theodore Roosevelt
Sometimes, in this line of work, it feels like there’s no room to feel empathy for each other. Recently, I was on the phone with a colleague, describing some of the challenges I was facing. Her response was to tell me about some of the ‘more difficult’ challenges faced by someone else. I think her goal was to try to help me put some perspective on things, or maybe it was to try to motivate me. But instead it shut me down. The message I received was that my struggle was not valid. It held no weight and I would not be given support.
I hear this type of comparison from clients and in overheard discussions all the time. Usually it comes in the form of one aid worker explaining to another how the place they are working in now is easy in comparison to the last place they worked. My program manager mind wonders if this is intended to be a motivator. My therapist mind, knows that the person saying how difficult it was at their last place is a person still in need of validation and support from their last experience. My therapist mind also knows that the person making that comparison is likely emotionally overwhelmed and can no longer find the ability to empathize or they are angry that they didn’t get support when they needed it and now they want someone else to feel how they felt. But the rest of me just wants to yell when I hear those comparisons. To ask for support is one of the most vulnerable things we can do. It’s also the best way to get the beehive of our organization online and thinking through, together, what might work better. But when the response is to tell someone they are not struggling, or that their struggle is nothing in comparison to someone else’s…
In the best case scenario, this type of response frustrates the help seeker and shuts down the conversation. In the worst case scenario, it undermines the help seekers sense of self-efficacy.
The problem with comparisons is that it shifts the conversation, from the challenge being the problem, to the person being the problem. It tells the help seeker that the problem isn’t that your working environment is difficult, it’s that you’re not good enough. It shifts the focus of the conversation to what needs to be done to provide quality services to our beneficiaries to how can the aid worker prove their worth.
Of course, we don’t just struggle with the comparisons that other people construct using our experiences, we also struggle with our own internal critic, that often uses comparison as a way of self-evaluation. As we burn out, we become more emotionally overwhelmed, and lose our sense of self-efficacy, so we are already struggling with self-worth because we can’t see the value in the work we’re doing anymore. If someone else is saying ‘we’re not good enough’, it can feel like proof of our own fears and reinforces that asking for help reflects negatively on us.
Aid workers often struggle with feelings burn-out, vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue, which can undermine a person’s sense of self-esteem. Likewise, The Comparison Trap[1] can trigger low self-esteem, depression and anxiety. Likewise, if we are already burning out, we are already more vulnerable to depression and anxiety.
When comparisons are coming from external sources, like colleagues or supervisors, then the help seeker has to somehow find the mental and physical capacity to: 1) solve the problem or bear the problem that started the conversation; and 2) maintain a strong sense of self to ward off depression, anxiety and burn out. The second part is only possible if we are not yet feeling burned out, depressed or anxious.
We cannot control other people. All we can do is take care of ourselves, so that if our colleague accidentally or purposefully shuts down the conversation, we can let it go and so that when someone comes to us for help we have room to empathize with them.
Although we cannot control the comparisons others make to us, we can work on getting ourselves out of the comparison trap. Some ways we can do this:
1. Keep mental note of the things we do well, not just the errors we make or the things we could do better
2. Practice mindfulness, meditation or yoga to give your brain a break from re-playing the work challenges
3. Watch out for negative self-talk. Notice when you’re taking to yourself in a way that you would never talk to someone you love, and reframe
4. Create joy in your life! Even if it feels like a lot of work to organize it or to find it. Working away from home and families, in hazard areas with unreal deadlines and barriers may make that seem impossible, but if you can figure out a way to ensure that hundreds of thousands of displaced people have food, water and shelter, you can also find a way to create joy in your lifeJ
[1] A term used to describe Social Comparison Theory. More on Social Comparison theory, originated by Psychologist Leon Festinger, can be found here.
** Kristen Guskovict is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the founder of Humanitarian Empathy & Refugee Trauma (HEART) of Aid Work. She specializes in work with refugees and refugee service providers. More information about her can be found at www.heartofaidwork.com
