Heartbreak & Love

Today I am writing with a heavy heart.

For as long as I can remember I have been misunderstood. From a small age I have been overly talkative, I interrupt people (only because I am so eager to communicate), I sometimes say random ideas out loud, I laugh at the wrong times and I can turn a totally normal situation into awkward in the matter of seconds. For example, a co-worker told me that my dress was really cool the other day and instead of thanking him for the compliment my response was “uhh.. thanks my closet is full of totally grungy things. I really need to go shopping”. What?

As I have grown up I have learned to embrace that I am not the same as every other person. And, beyond all the things that make me different is that I love fiercly. I love my sweet baby boy — who would be mad if he knew I was calling him a baby, he says being a baby is “boring”, my family including my extended family, my friends, my dog, my job, my co-workers, my classmates.

Having a heart full of love isn’t always the greatest thing because in my life I have found that it has led me to lots of heart breaks and disappointments. I met with a lady once who asked me to describe why I was still upset about my boyfriend dying 7 years ago, why I was still upset at Lucas for all of the things that have went wrong since we have been together, why I am upset with my parents, why I am upset with my sister. And, all answers led to the same place. (Side note: I am not disappointed or heartbroken because of my parents or sister, only about things in our lives that I wish would have been different. I thank God for the three of them every day.)

Today I am led back to being heartbroken and disappointed. Tomorrow I will say goodbye to another friend who didn’t realize how much the world needed his creative talents, his smile, his laugh, his deep thoughts and conversations and his brillance.

I understand that death is a part of life. It is inevitable. But, we are given this life to do with as we choose. It is so important to embrace who we are and the life we have been given, no matter what the circumstances are. Even when it doesn’t feel like it there are people who love you, who care for you and will stay up all night just to talk to you through the night until the sun comes up so that you can live another day.

Depression is real. Anxiety is real. I am not oblivious to these things and believe me when I say that I understand those things. I have been there, they are very real and very serious.

But so is love. love is real.

Don’t ever let the world change you. There is no better version of you and you get one chance to be whoever you want.. even if it is obnoxious.


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