How to Find Your Boundaries #2 | Girl Pursuing God
This series is a guide I’m writing on allowing God to re-define your identity in Christ, as I go through the process myself. Part 2 explains the first 4 steps.
In How to Find Your Boundaries #1, I talked about how I’ve come to realize that constraints are actually necessary for freedom.
Freedom to feel as you feel, be as you be, to go after the things that resonate with you on a deep level.
Here’s a link to the article if you haven’t read it yet.
My theory is that because a lot of who we are is still waiting to be discovered by us, the things that bring you fulfillment may not be what you think they are.
And who we are is, in large part, defined by what our constraints — aka our boundaries — are.
So girls (and guys). It follows that before you can figure out what brings you fulfillment, you need to first figure out what your boundaries are.
And believe me, it can be a process.
You might have an idea of what your boundaries are. But you won’t really be certain until you actually start enforcing them.
Then comes the whole issue of enforcing your boundaries, day by day.
If you’re a people-pleaser, or have struggled with enforcing boundaries for any other reason (which, if you’re reading this article, you most likely do), starting to set boundaries can literally trigger feelings ranging from discomfort to full-blown panic.
But don’t worry, because I’m here to hold your hand (within my own boundaries lol) and offer you help and resources along the way.
So, let’s zoom out for a second and start with a high-level overview of how this is going to work, shall we?
FIGURE OUT WHAT YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE
Step 1: Declutter, declutter, declutter.
It’s like identifying your food allergies by stripping to the bare minimum, then adding things in one by one and seeing how you react to them.
The challenge: figuring out what to strip down to
Honestly, I would say to strip down to as much as you can without forcing anything.
You might KNOW that what’s keeping you in chains is your attachment to a certian job, relationship, or something else. It’s the one thing that you need to declutter from, but it’s the hardest to.
If you’re not ready to yet, that’s OK. Pray about it. Don’t force yourself to.
If it’s forcefully ripped from you (like it was for me, due to a layoff), then count your blessings, although it DEFINITELY might not feel like that in the moment.
If you stay committed and continue asking God everyday what you need to declutter from, slowly but surely you will find things falling away from your life (sounds terrible, but hooray!).
The challenge: the desire to hold on
I did not (and do not) take rejection well.
But at one point, I realized that rejection is redirection.
It is protection from God.
When life starts to declutter, there may be a point where it feels like suddenly, nothing is there.
It’s just you, and peace.
The thing is, God doesn’t force you into anything you’re not ready for. So there’s a reason these things are gone now.
“God is faithful; he will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able” 1 Corinthians 10:13
For me, personally, it felt right. It felt like a relief to have quiet for awhile. I needed the time alone.
Don’t force anything to happen. Whether it’s getting rid of something from your life or adding something in.
Put it in God’s hands.
How exactly do you put it in God’s hands?
Pray.
Tip: Perhaps there’s too much noise for you to hear God’s voice. Especially if you struggle with anxiety.
God’s voice is quiet.
Noise includes thoughts in your own head. It also includes immediately reaching for your phone during moments of idle time, or speaking to fill awkward silence.
It’s HARD. I know. But you can do it, little by little. If it resonates with you, experiment with reducing noise. Just see if it changes anything.
Here’s a video that spoke to me when I was confused about how to trust God: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqgaJj2sn58
Step 2: Reflect, reflect, reflect.
When there’s more space in your life, old things will return and new things will appear.
Like new food groups after you strip to the bare minimum.
Don’t just let those experiences pass you by.
Reflect on them.
How do they affect you?
Tip: journal
I’m building some journals for myself to help me reflect. If they help me, I’ll release them for you to use, too.
ENFORCE YOUR BOUNDARIES
Step 3: Enforce boundaries
At this stage, you may have found a thing (or a hundred) that trigger you.
When things get quiet, you hear your thoughts better and feel your feelings more intensely. Old traumas and painful thought patterns and beliefs may come to the surface.
It’s OK. That means you’re progressing. Good.
As things that make you feel uncomfortable appear into the space you’ve created in your life, experiment with enforcing boundaries against them.
Be very aware: perhaps these are things you need to work on. Many of the things that trigger you may be things that don’t trigger most other people.
But forcing yourself to pretend you’re OK with them isn’t going to solve the issue.
It’s OK to protect yourself.
For example, think of a child who has accidentally been lost on a snowy day.
Now, snow terrifies the child.
Are you going to throw the child into the snow?
No, you’re going to protect the child from the snow and help the child grow stronger until they can face the snow, slowly but surely.
The challenge: Being aware of projections from yourself and from others
When you’re triggered by something, it’s easy to project onto others.
For example, if you’re triggered by someone questioning your actions because you personally struggle with self-acceptance, you may project onto them an intention of wanting to control you.
That’s not necessarily true.
At the same time, when you start to enforce boundaries, others may project onto you.
Everyone struggles with their own hurts and insecurities. If you’re enforcing boundaries around something that others aren’t used to, they can mistake your boundaries for some other type of intent.
Again, be aware of when someone’s reaction seems to be particularly strong against a boundary you’re enforcing.
Carefully consider whether it’s worth explaining your behavior.
Personally, I believe that it is not necessary to explain yourself, unless it is for the sake of a relationship, person, etc. you value very much. Otherwise, be careful about where you invest your energy. If you’re going through this process, it’s going to take a significant amount of energy, and you want to make sure you’re staying grounded.
Tip: At the end of the day, in your journal:
- Write down specific instances when you were triggered and reflect on whether there was any projection coming from your part.
- Write down specific instances where you suspect others may have been projecting on you and reflect.
The challenge: falling into the victim mentality. It is oh so easy. Remember that we are first commanded to love, before all else.
Here’s a truth I’ve discovered to be true for myself:
Enforcing boundaries is directly tied with letting yourself be seen. My fear of letting myself be seen was one of the challenges I am facing when it comes to enforcing my boundaries.
Here’s a video that helped bring that issue to light for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIt0uKUs01s&list=LL&index=3
Also, one thing that I have to tell myself everyday:
When you are yourself, some people WILL dislike that. It is INEVITABLE. So it’s OK. :)
On the other hand, many, many people will LOVE that.
ENJOY & STICK TO THE THINGS THAT ARE FOR YOU
Step 4: Finding the things that bring you peace
This is a step that is moreso interwoven with the previous ones.
As you declutter and see how different things affect you, you will start to notice things that bring you peace.
The closer you get to God throughout this process as well, the more he will guide you toward the things that are right for you.
For me, I started to enter a flow state.
The things that were right for me appeared in my life. The things that weren’t met me with resistance.
For example, I must have applied to over 100 new jobs almost immediately after getting laid off.
They were all in fields very similar to the one that I had just exited.
I was rejected by almost all of them.
When I did get an invitation to move forward, it was in fields that I wouldn’t let myself fall into yet, or fields that I thought I wasn’t ready for yet.
But clearly, God has different plans.
Or oftentimes, you’ll be presented with something as a stepping stone to something else. Something that will make you realize an important truth.
At the same time, I was presented with many, many temptations that weren’t on my path of “flow.”
The more I allowed flow into my life, and the more I trusted God, the more clear it became to me the pain that came from the things that I thought I had wanted for myself.
It’s not that those things in themselves were bad. They are things that would be wonderfully, perfectly made for someone else.
Just not for me.
Eventually, I started finding hobbies and passions that brought me pure joy on my own. Such as writing.
I used to always chase an objective. If something didn’t have an immediate tie to monetary gain or didn’t have a guarantee of progression, it wasn’t for me.
But this process has changed me, and I’m determined to continue on.
The challenge: Not running away from flow and back toward the things you used to chase after
Now, this is all I can write for now, because this is how much I’ve progressed so far.
I’d also like to state the caveat that everyone’s journey is different.
Personally for me, I wanted peace in my life. I had been a big proponent of “hustle culture” for quite a while, and it had tired me out. Therefore, I prayed for something like flow to happen. I just didn’t know what it would entail along the way and how much perceived loss and pure faith would be required. However, now that I know — and now that I am confident that it is worth it — I want to share this process with you to help you see things through for yourself and make it less scary.
I am still going through steps 1 to 4, over and over again, at different times and in different combinations. As I go along, I’m planning to continue to write and to share what I learn.
Let me know how this works out for you.
Love you all.
Xoxo,
Kristen
