An Open Letter to My Ex Boyfriend of over 2 years (and why I forgive you).
By Kristen Jones.
Two and a half years. We spent approximately 912 days together. We swore we would get it together at some point, we promised we’d do better after every fight. But we still devolved, we still crashed and burned over and over again until we reached a point of no return. We hit a wall and we didn’t have the energy or the strength of tearing it down. Our friends and family saw it first, we were the last to see it. You were the last to see it.
We made our mistakes. We could have been better to each other, we could have made each other feel better or stronger, we could have been a team. We put on a show when we were having our bad days, which were more often than not. Our fights were vicious and harmful to each other and ourselves. We bear mental and emotional scars that may never fade with time. No matter where we’re at in our lives, sometimes that pain will still hit us like a ton of bricks when we unwillingly flash back to a moment we shared when we weren’t upset, weren’t in pain, weren’t trying to walk away. It knocks the wind out of us and we stop for a minute trying to catch our breath, forced to relive a moment that’ll never happen again.
I never thought I’d be the one to walk away. I was younger, dumber, and more in love than you were. We both knew that. I wanted to fix your flaws and heal your wounds, and you drank it in like the liquor you so desperately needed. But, somewhere in the haze of booze and cheap affection, I think you ended up falling in love with me. Not the way you should have, that anyone would love someone they cared about in a healthy way. But you did, and I could see it more than anyone else could. Yet everyone else could see the toxicity between us. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel it, too, I just hoped and prayed it would go away. It never did. We only devolved more.
Unitl the crashing, breaking end that still hurts to think about.
Seeing you vulnerable and hurt like that was almost enough to make me want to call it off and do what we always did. Force it all to fit together. But I knew better this time. Our last stint wasn’t over something stupid or immature. It was real, and it was the one and only thing I could never have forgiven you for. Even as I’m sitting here writing it all down, it stings. Because of all the things I did to you that were wrong, I never warranted infidelity… still…
I forgive you.
I know you did your best at the time. It became clear when you were doing things purely out of spite, to get a rise out of me, to make me want you again, to keep me from walking away. And let me be undeniably transparent here, that wasn’t your best. Being abusive and abrasive and cruel were not your best qualities. But you couldn’t help it when it happened, because I felt the same way when I did them to you. Like I couldn’t control what I was saying or doing, like someone else was in control of me in that moment and I was a passenger in my own horror ride. One of us had to give in to the truth and you weren’t going to do it, I see that now better than ever. You didn’t have the willpower to leave a broken relationship because you wanted us to work and you wanted love to win out.
I forgive you for every lie. I forgive you for every night you didn’t come home. I forgive you for every harsh word. I forgive you for cheating. I forgive you for making me question who I was. I forgive you for the times you didn’t have my back.
I forgive you, but mostly, I pray for you. I hope you find someone as incredible as who I’ve found for myself, and that you understand why good people fall apart so better people can come into your life and erase it all.