I am unique because I didn’t watch Game of Thrones

By basing my identity on my complete disregard for a stupid dumb television show, I have managed to subvert society’s expectations.

The furious discussion about Game of Thrones will rage on for at least another 24 hours across Twitter, most group chats with people you went to high school with, and water coolers surrounded by bored and depressed office workers across the world (i.e. North America, Europe[?]).

Everyone in the entire world has seen Game of Thrones and can expound upon the show’s flawed portrayal of the aftermath of abuse, or at least the fact that they named a dragon “Drogon.” (There is a story behind that last thing but still doesn’t change the fact that the dragon’s name is “Drogon,” my friends.) 99.9 repeating per cent of the global population will have an opinion about Bran’s ascension to the throne after getting thrown out a window or something, and can eloquently debate the merits of the choice to have Jon Snow stab Dany while giving her one last kiss.

Well not me, fuckers.

An interesting thing about me is that I have not seen a single episode of Game of Thrones, and the constant pleas of friends, family, bosses, and strangers to watch the show have only served to make me increasingly steadfast in my refusal to glom onto the pop culture juggernaut as a way to participate in our society’s dominant cultural conversation.

Let’s face it: people who base their entire identities on a stupid dumb television show are lame (this excludes Trekkers of course, because I am one), and by instead basing my own identity on my complete disregard for a stupid dumb television show and then using this disregard to insert myself into the conversation about said television show, I have managed to subvert society’s expectations of its citizens and emerge as a truly unique individual in an increasingly monolithic cultural landscape. (NB: I have no evidence of my claims about our cultural landscape being monolithic [not even sure what that means but it sounds smart], so please do not attempt to argue with me on this point, SHEEPLE.)

My courage in speaking of my disdain for Game of Thrones often and loudly goes unappreciated. Instead my individuality is met by angry comments begging me to “let us have this one thing we all enjoy” and excoriating me for my “pathetic attention-seeking proclamations.”

Attention-seeking?! Hah! I mean, sure, I feel excluded because literally every single person on earth is talking about something I do not understand, but that does not mean I am seeking attention just like my parents accused me of doing when I was 10 years old and stabbed my own hand with a pencil in order for them to pay attention to me and not my silly brother Drogon who always got more attention because he was an actual dragon and no I am not kidding yes it is a crazy coincidence and the doctors haven’t explained that one yet and why do I keep getting ignored for a dragon named Drogon mommy and daddy why don’t you love me I feel so lonely.

Oh don’t read too much into this: save your hard-hitting analysis for the symbolism of Drogon melting the Iron Throne.

Game of Thrones is nothing more than the opiate of the masses, and I choose instead to boldly go through life with clear eyes and a sober mind. I stake my claim to individuality based upon the fact that I like edgier shows that few have heard of, such as Star Trek, the Mary Tyler Moore Show, Friends, and the X-Files. I also smoke a lot of weed to keep the panic at bay, but that is neither here nor there.

Though I am happy with my choice to wilfully misunderstand the most popular show in recent memory and instead loudly complain about how everyone else is talking about it, thus inserting myself into the conversation yet adding nothing to it, I have but one simple request:

The next time you guys decide to get completely obsessed with a television show, can you let me know before you’re halfway through season 8?

Thanks and a big FUCK YOU to my dumb brother Drogon for melting down all my toys!