New Study Shows Harmful Effects of Thinking of Jimmy Swaggart too Often

Is Jimmy Swaggart always on your mind? Then you need to know about a new study done by some actual doctors who for sure did a real study that sheds new light on the harmful effects of thinking often of the disgraced televangelist.

Anal Leakage

Thinking often of Jimmy Lee Swaggart, whose name is not short for anything because that’s how they do things in Louisiana, can cause an embarrassing leak of fluids out of one’s backside that may or may not have been caused by sexual activities with prostitutes, which also got old Jimbo ejected from his own damn church in the early nineties. (Editor’s note: there is nothing wrong with being a sex worker, but there is something wrong with thinking often of disgraced televangelist Jimmy Swaggart. Stop that immediately.)

Religious Delirium

Many members of Swaggart’s church report a feeling of intense elation upon visiting his creepy church in Louisiana. It’s a bit culty, really, but we aren’t judging. The problem comes when you think too often of this morally bankrupt individual and begin experiencing delirium on your own. Doctors see that guilty look on your face, and they want you to know that you need to stop subscribing to Swaggart’s streaming service immediately. What the fuck.

Uncontrollable Sobbing

Do you seriously feel bad for this man? Yes, he sinned, but also, he’s a real dumbass. If you want to fool around, Jimmy, don’t get married. It’s not that hard, and nothing that should elicit sympathy, say doctors. Just stop fucking thinking about it you freak. Stop now.

Concern from Friends and Family

We are very concerned about you, David, and we do not support your decision to change your name to Jimmy. Doctors warn that your friends and family are very concerned about you, and this is not just a study I made up in order to get you to stop talking about Jimmy Swaggart. We don’t understand, honey, is this ironic, or do you really think that God speaks to a man who was named Jimmy at birth. Again, that’s not short for anything. Just Jimmy.

Saying “the Lord told me it’s flat none of your business” when friends and family express concern about your troubling obsession with Jimmy Swaggart

I mean, you were never even that religious, doctors warn. Why now? Is it because Linda left you after you lost your job? Are you drifting along in life, unsure of why you’re here and looking for anything that could give your life purpose and pizazz? Do your realize that these are the words Swaggart used after he was caught doing shit that he himself said was super bad a second damn time? 9 our of 10 doctors agree that this is super fucked. Don’t blame me, that’s just what the science has said.