Star Trek: How Can We All Die As Quickly As Possible?
My lungs! My lungs!
On the heels of a commercially successful big screen reboot starring Chris Pine, the excellent first season of Star Trek: Discovery, and an upcoming Picard series, the Star Trek franchise is exploding. But since life is short and we (I) have already wasted half of it watching and rewatching assorted shows from the Star Trek franchise, the producers of a new show have decided to give us a break and just get it over with.
Thus, Star Trek: How Can We All Die As Quickly As Possible? was born. This exciting new series features all of your (my) favorite characters as they take bold and decisive action that ultimately leads to their violent deaths. So, basically, a normal Star Trek show, except everyone dies very fast along with the red shirts and ensigns.
Episode 1: Chakotay Suuuuucks
A characteristically taciturn Chakotay and a young ensign are flying around an uncharted area of space in a puny shuttle when they receive a distress call from a nearby planet. Instead of calling for backup, they decide to land on a planet they know nothing about to investigate. Good plan, dumbasses!
Meanwhile back on Voyager, the rest of the crew encounters a Borg ship that appears to be dead in space. Captain Janeway orders an away team to the ship to investigate. Cool cool, beaming directly onto an enemy ship is probably fine.
Anyway Chakotay and the ensign are quickly killed by hostile aliens and the Borg thing was a trap and now the Voyager crew has been assimilated. Technically not everyone died this time, so that’s good, and also the young ensign assigned to Chakotay got the sweet release of death, which is preferable to experiencing Chakotay’s wooden personality for any length of time. That stone has no water to give!
Episode 2: Q Poo
When Captain Picard and the gang are visited by the vexatious and charming omnipotent alien Q, Picard decides to fuck around and brag about how humans are ready for whatever and don’t need no help. Q says cool and flings the Enterprise into a remote part of space where they encounter the Borg, a malevolent species that could easily wipe out the human race.
After realizing he is not in fact “ready for whatever,” Picard begs Q to fling them back to the Alpha Quadrant. Q is considering doing so when Picard suddenly poops his pants out of fear and, flustered, accidentally self-destructs the Enterprise. Everyone is killed instantly except for Q, who eventually dies of laughter.
Episode 3: Probable DEATH
Odo and Garak take a runabout into Romulan space to search for the leader of Cardassia’s spy organization. This should go well: Garak is exiled from Cardassia and the Romulans are famously hostile to most foreign species and violently protective of their territory.
Surprise surprise: Odo and Garak are captured by Romulans and killed minutes after they enter Romulan space. Derp. In one fell swoop Odo never gets to bone Kira and DS9 loses the best character it has (Garak, of course).
Episode 4: The Voyager Crew Really Seemed to Want to Die
Torres, Paris, and Neelix decide to beam down to a planet they know nothing about and ROCK CLIMB hundreds of feet down to where they think they can find some warp plasma or some other crap. Neelix falls and dies immediately because he is a moron, and Torres and Paris are killed by rock aliens who seek to punish the yupsters who come to their planet to rock climb. It’s fine though as Paris was already near death after deciding to engage in sexual intercourse with Torres, who is 50% Klingon but likes it 100% rough.
While Neelix’s death is a blessing, viewers may experience a slight pang of remorse at Voyager’s hottest crew members, Torres and Paris, dying in such a stupid manner.
Episode 5: The DEATH Ship
Sisko, Dax, Worf, and O’Brien decide to sidle into the Gamma Quadrant and do a mining survey of an uninhabited planet for shits and giggles. The Gamma Quadrant is mostly ruled by the Dominion, whose Jem’Hadar soldiers are drugged up lethal killing machines. What could go wrong here?
The Jem’Hadar predictably come around and destroy the dinky little runabout this band of boneheads had in orbit above the planet, then they beam down to the planet and kill Sisko, Dax, Worf, and O’Brien. Again this is sad because of the sheer loss of hotness (I would personally marry Sisko, Worf, or Dax on sight; sorry, O’Brien — I’m sure Keiko thought you were a dish), but luckily Dr Bashir had the good sense to stay on DS9, thus preserving at least some of the hotness of the crew.
Episode 6: Skin of DEATH
Troi’s shuttle crashes on a deserted planet as she’s returning from a conference. Just a question here: does one single Star Trek character who is going to or returning from a conference ever not almost die? Also, what conference was Troi attending, the Pointing out Obvious Shit and Wearing Tight Clothing Convention?
The Enterprise beams down an away team to maximize the number of people killed. There’s a gooey black puddle on the planet that is actually an evil entity, and Yar decides to pick a fight with it, because why not LOLZ. She dies immediately. Not content to stay alive, the Enterprise beams down a second away team and they all die too, along with Troi.
Episode 7: WTF Neelix
The crew is traipsing around yet another unexplored planet when Neelix gets his goddamn lungs stolen. WTF Neelix — how does that even happen? Though it’s pretty obvious that they’re dealing with a species that steals vital organs from living people, Voyager sends another away team to somehow get Neelix’s lungs back, providing a body part buffet for the organ harvesters. What was the plan here: to grab the lungs and run?!
Unsurprisingly, the entire away team dies and Neelix dies too because his lungs were stolen.
Episode 8: DEATH Oath
Jadzia Dax was beautiful and smart. Unfortunately, she seemed to go out of her way to try to get herself killed. In this unfortunate episode, she begs a bunch of Klingons to be allowed to go on the mission they planned when she was in a man’s body, and the FOUR of them — that’s three senior citizens and one tiny woman — make a plan to get past HUNDREDS of Klingon warriors to kill a bad man.
Everyone dies.
I love you more than I love myself, Jadzia, but seriously?!
Episode 9: Silicon DEATH
Riker, his beard, and his merry band of away teamsters are visiting a dangerous colony when — surprise! — danger happens. A deadly and powerful life form called the Crystalline Entity attacks the colony and kills a few people, including a woman that Riker never got the chance to bone.
Back on the ship, the crew decides to pursue the Entity. Picard insists he will try to communicate with it before using force, which seems like a safe way to deal with a merciless and murderous being. Everyone on board — including Riker and his beard — is killed after Picard tries to invite the Crystalline Entity for a cup of Earl Grey tea and a quick chat about Kantian ethics. Nobody saw that one coming.
Episode 10: Chakotay Suuuuuucks, Part II
Seska, a former member of Chakotay’s Maquis crew who turned out to be a Cardassian pops back up to ask for help for herself and some random baby that she says is Chakotay’s. The catch, of course, is that Voyager must travel deep into Kazon space to retrieve Chakotay’s little bundle of joy. The crew debates: is this a trap? This must be trap. What if it’s not a trap? Where’s Maury when you need him.
Of course it was a trap and everyone dies, some in the ensuing battle with the Kazon and others eaten by a giant worm they find on yet another random planet they flee to. The only silver lining is that we find out that Chakotay was a bit slutty, which adds an interesting dimension (or really, a dimension) to his character. But he’s dead now anyway so whatevs!
Episode 11: A Time to DIE
Captain Sisko and his crew must pilot a Jem’Hadar warship through Dominion territory to destroy a Ketracel White stockpile, upon which Jem’Hadar soldiers are dependent. Oh and Garak is there too for some reason. While this mission isn’t as gratuitously stupid as usual, it’s still pretty goddamn reckless.
Everyone on board is killed when it becomes apparent that the crew are NOT Jem’Hadar soldiers — who can plan for all these little details, right?! This time Bashir is there too….#RIPHOTNESS
Episode 12: Generations….of DEATH
Captain Kirk accompanies a new Enterprise on its maiden voyage. Despite the ship not being fully staffed or fully built yet, they decide to rescue some randos near Jupiter or something. Everyone dies because THE SHIP IS NOT FULLY BUILT YET.
Meanwhile the Enterprise of the future makes an ill-advised rescue mission, saving a random guy that turns out to be evil, because apparently basic background checks were beyond the capabilities of the Enterprise’s super powerful computers. Maybe Google searches were never invented in this timeline? Anyway, everyone is killed except for Guinan, because Guinan is smart and doesn’t deserve any of this crap.
Picard and Kirk meet in the afterlife, where each of them is pelted with tomatoes by the spirits of all the crew members they recklessly led to death.
Star Trek: How Can We All Die As Quickly As Possible? is sure to be a fan favourite. Here’s hoping for a season 2, because we can never watch Chakotay die too many times!
