A Script for Your Family Members So We Can All Go Home For Thanksgiving and Take a Fucking Break from All This Shit for a Week

Your family member goes online and finds the phone number of his or her elected representative. Your family member dials that number.

Staff Aide: So-and-So’s office! How can I help?

YFM: Hi! I’ve never called my elected representative before, so I’m not quite sure how this works — do I just tell you what I have to say?

SA: Yup! Go ahead!

YFM: Okay, so, I am [A Republican//An Independent//Voted for a Third Party//Didn’t Vote] and I support some of Trump’s policies — I think we need [[change in Washington//immigration reform//to keep our jobs from going overseas//better infrastructure//to drain the swamp]] but you know, a lot of my friends and family members are really upset about some of the stuff he and his supporters have said, especially this guy Steve Bannon, who’s [[been quoted as calling women dykes//ran a website that published stories about how ‘gay rights make people dumber,’ called someone a ‘Renegade Jew’ ‘called trans people, ‘trannies,’ ‘called Gabby Giffords a human shield,’ etc. etc. etc.]]

And listen, I’ve been trying to tell people that they should give Trump a chance, that there’s a lot of extreme rhetoric in politics, that we should all just wait and see, but when he appoints guys like this, it makes defending him really, really tough.

So, as my elected representative, I’m hoping you can put pressure on Trump to rescind this appointment as an act of good faith. Because obviously this is not anything I support, or the majority of Trump’s fans support, and I think it would mean a lot to the people that I love to know that we’re all on the same side when it comes to this.

And also, my family member promised me that if I made this stupid phone call, they would come home for Thanksgiving and we could suspend all the politics talk for a week. And I really want to do that because I love them very much and they make really excellent mashed potatoes that I would hate to miss out on. So even though it might be SO OBVIOUS that this guy is the worst and I do not support him, I am calling to just let my feelings be very explicitly known so that there’s absolutely no mistake about where I stand on white nationalism and calling people dykes and stuff. And I think it would be very helpful to me and my peace of mind if Trump would do that too. Okay?

SA: Sure! Okay! I will do that! Thanks for calling!

FM: Thanks for listening, you’ve been great. I’m sure I’ll be talking you again at Christmas.