You Forever

Kristian Evans
Aug 25, 2017 · 4 min read

AUTHORS NOTE: I wrote this a while back and came across it recently and it stirred me, in a way I needed to be stirred, so I am posting

The things I think about day and night, in no particular order. I thought of these things while we were together, I think of them now that we are apart, and together again. I do not ask you to reply to them, I actually, would prefer if you didn’t. I only want to use my random thoughts as a way of explaining myself. It should come as no surprise that I overthink and over-romanticize things.

Firstly, I miss you. I cannot count the number of times in the last week that my finger has been on the phone to call you and beg you to take me. I can’t count the number of times I have been lying alone in bed and longed for your touch. Your touch, your scent, your very being.

I miss the morning coffee, the running errands, the way I let you do things to me, and I to you, that no one else can. The simple act of going to Good Earth in our PJ’s to fill the water bottles made me happy. Just the act of being together. The trip to Sebastopol where you bought the kimono that you looked so good in. The stop at the bar for snacks and drinks. The first time you told me you loved me on the way home from Linda’s. These are bittersweet memories. I love you but you confuse me. I tell you I love you all the time but you don’t say it back. I only seem to hear it when you have been drinking, luckily for the last year, that was a lot. I started doubting. Unlike most guys, my libido is connected to my heart. Not something that is popular in modern times. Please know that my heart is, has been, and always will be yours.

And then there was your godson. As a couple, it was devastating. To you, as an aunt and a godmother, even more so. I am so happy that I could be there for you during such a devastating time. I felt it. It made me appreciate my boys even more than I did. I am listening to them laughing in the other room now and it makes me smile. I know you will never fully get over it and I am happy to go with you as support to any event that celebrates or remembers him. As an outsider, it was very difficult to take in. My heart was broken every time I looked at your family. If I was stoic, it wasn’t because I was heartless, it was because I was trying to be strong for others while I was crying inside.

I don’t know if I will ever send this. It is more for me. Just know this…I loved you. You are an amazing, beautiful, vivacious, woman that will never be tamed…as it should be. No one should ever try and tame a goddess. That is something I learned from our relationship. Goddesses exist, and if we are lucky to hold on to one, even for a little while, we are lucky because they will change the way we look at things. I am lucky. I rode on a winged unicorn’s back for a little while in this life and I will remember the good and forget the troubled part, that is what will carry me on.

I hope you find what you are looking for, I really do. I only ask that as you take a new partner, you keep in mind their shortcomings and needs and if you really love them, you will tend to them. As I know you will because in the end, you are a very giving person and ultimately, an empath, not the narcissist I a accused you of being.

May 2017 bring you all you need and want. Just remember, you get what you wish for and really need. I look forward to running into you at school events and the neighborhood. I will smile when I see you. You will always have a large part of my heart because you made me look at things differently, more deeply, and with an open heart. For that, you will always have a special place in my heart and forever be a part of my life.

XOXOXO

Kristian

Ps You will always be my Crystal Sparklepants and Tinkle Fingers! I may never send this to you, but I had to write it. At the time of this writing, I love you more than me and more than anything, that will probably never change because you are one of the special ones.

Ps If you are seeing this, please let me know that you saw it and what you are feeling, you know who you are…

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Kristian Evans

Written by

SIngle dad to two boys in Marin.. Writing is an outlet, a way to express. Write on! I edit stories once and poems never, they are from the heart.

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