Bernie Bros and Brett K: Dots on the Same Line I’ve been thinking a lot about men this week (go figure). Men I’ve loved and men who make me roll my eyes, men who scare me, men who’ve hurt me, men who make me feel a little more alive in my skin. Men who grew up late, men who peaked…

From escaping with alcohol—to escaping from it — The Toddler Years Southern Comfort, 1971 While your parents watch 60 Minutes, you sit on the floor and page through Time magazine, stubbing your finger on any page with a bourbon ad: Daddy drink! Your parents find it funny but hide the magazines when your no-dancing, no-drinking Southern Baptist grandparents babysit. Your grandfather still snoops, and…

Sometimes your inhibitions are actually useful. — “Why is drinking at office parties such a thing in the first place?” I asked my husband. “Movies and TV,” he said. “Movies and TV have made people think office parties are romantic. Like Love, Actually.” “That party’s not romantic, though,” I said. …

Thank yourself later. — You matter. Your life matters more than this one day. It matters more than your family’s temporary puzzlement. Your life sure as hell matters more than what your jackass cousin who has never left his hometown but still somehow knows everything about everything thinks of you. Say it over and…

I don’t know. — I’ve never done it before, at least not as an adult. My most recent sober presidential election night probably involved, like, watching “Laverne & Shirley” and playing Chutes & Ladders. Both still viable options, I guess, though I’ll remind you that Laverne and Shirley work in a brewery, which some…

When Hell is TSA, other people, and chain bars — Easy. Once you zip through security, just walk past all the chain bars and don’t stop till you reach the multiplex where a $20 ticket buys you all-day access to a bunch of first-run movies. You can watch just one, or wander from theater to theater (quietly, please!) catching bits…

Forget the night you think you’re supposed to have, and skip the opening act. — In 1987, I was seventeen and killing time in the lobby of a club before a Love & Rockets show. My friend Fritz had smuggled in some whiskey from his dad’s stash and I’d had enough to dull my pre-show boredom. I was scoping the crowd for a boy I…

You can help, you can hide; you can even leave — Weddings are like the Oscars: a few big emotional moments against an overall backdrop of administrivia and waiting around. Sometimes there’s reason to suspect it’s all downhill from here for the couple, so the wedding feels like one of those Best Supporting Actress acceptance speeches from a talented ingénue you…

I’m newly sober and dog-paddling through the booze all around me. It’s summer, and Whole Foods has planted rosé throughout the store. Rosé is great with fish! And strawberries! And vegan protein powder! (Okay, I made that last one up.) At the office, every desk near mine has a bottle…