Forty-Three

I am forty-three and I just realized it is forty-three days until I head to Glastonbury, England. This is my first trip to Europe, and I’m realizing now it’s a trip back home for me. A trip back to Avalon to reconnect with kindred spirits and sisters from life’s past. This pilgrimage was over a decade in the making.

It all started with the book Light is the New Black. This book showed me how to follow the light, my light. It was my road map, my tool box, my guide book. It broke me open and made space for who I needed to become. 10 plus years before this transformational book I had my dark night of the soul moment. Absent Father passed away unexpectedly, divorced for the second time and some other “bring you to your knees” moments. I chose to numb myself at that time I tried to bring myself into the light, but I wasn’t ready and didn’t have the strength. Truth be told, I did not feel worthy. I was tired. I was so tired.

My life up to that point was trying to be everything everyone else needed and wanted, so I hid. I went into the shadow side of my soul, but this darkness was not evil, but healing. I was broken down to my very core, and I needed to go into hiding for a while to incubate. I walked through life trying to create a normal, somewhat fun and stable life for my daughters on the week’s I had them. I shared custody with my first ex-husband, which is another story for another time. I was a machine during this time. The metamorphosis had begun and the chrysalis was forming.

Week’s I had the girls I was mom through and through. Wake kids, get them to school, go to work, get girls from school, dinner, bath time, lovey time, bed time, repeat for a week. Next week it was single party girl staying out until all hours with her girlfriends tearing it up, work, hopefully eat something, reliving the 20’s I missed out on because I was having kids. Yikes. I did this for several years. I could feel my true self buried deep within me. She was in a safe loving place away from the world. I learned to live without her, but a few years ago I felt her stir.

It was August 2014. I had taken a few years to be alone and try and find myself. Missed the mark a little, but I did enough where I felt a little stronger. My true self was getting fed again, and she was slowly waking. The blood was starting to flow back into my sleeping limbs. I could feel the pin pricks all over as I reawakened. This reawakening process was not fast or easy. It took two more years, and in those two years I lost a job, my home, and a long standing relationship. At this point you may be saying I think this was her, “dark night of the soul”, but no it wasn’t. This is when I finally stepped out of the dark and into the light.

2016 was rough for me, as it was for a lot of people but I see it as the the year of my reawakening. The object that sparked this awakening was the book Light is the New Black by Rebbecca Campbell and one simple phrase in this book, “what lights you up”. Seems like a simple question, but not when you don’t know yourself because you have chosen to put everyone ahead of yourself.

This book helped me find the bread crumbs my true self left behind for me to find her. The questions, “what do you want?” and “What are you waiting for?” reverberated in my mind. I was finally listening to myself, my angels, my guides and they were all saying, “enough is enough, it’s time….!”.

Off I went to fully awaken my true self. My fight song during this time was Katy Perry’s song Rise. It was everything I was going through and I listened to it all the time. I couldn’t make it through the song without breaking down in tears. As I heard it played at the Olympics I could feel a surge in me, as I’m sure all those athletes did. It was a feeling of empowerment. I was awake.

Groggy and disoriented, but awake. Finally. Fitting that Rebecca’s next book was called Rise Sister Rise. If Light is the New Black helped me to uncover the breadcrumbs back to myself Rises Sister Rise was my manual on how to heal my true self. She was malnourished and lonely. It taught me that everything I need to be truly happy and successful was within.

This in and of itself is not profound, but the “how to” in Rise Sister Rise is what makes it unique. It shows you how to navigate and embrace what lives inside of you. It helped me to empower myself and step outside the spiritual closet. It not only gave me knowledge, but a sisterhood of love and support for this ever changing sometimes difficult process. Awakening Shakti and allowing my feminine to rise to her full potential.

When Rebbecca announced the Pilgrimage to Glastonbury back in January of this year I signed up without a second thought. And now here I am 43 days away from going to Europe for the first time and meeting my sisters face to face in Avalon where I know we played, frolicked, practiced, taught, and sat in sacred circle together. I am scared and excited and on this 43rd day I sit in reverence to the journey I took to get here to be the person I am today to make this pilgrimage. This is not the last leg, but the true beginning. Rise Sister Rise.

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